Sophomore year in the fall I took a creative writing class. During one of our classes the professor asked us to write on the prompt "The fine are of ..." I chose control because that has always been an important hot topic in my life. Growing up with extremely strict parents often leads to feelings of being controlled and with this resentment can set in. This is exactly what happened in my case and I needed to find some way to take control of my life. Food seemed to be the perfect thing. The one thing in my life I could control was my body and so I did. I know this is all very cliche for those in the eating disorder community but it's true. It did not hurt that my mother's way of showing love was through food and so by refusing to eat I could convey the message that I did not feel as if she really loved me. Logically I knew that she loved me as I was her daughter but it always seemed as if she put the family last and I hated this. I believe that my mother has an anxiety disorder that has gone undiagnosised for years. The anxiety that I felt due to constantly being late to everything and criticized in my behavior, school work, body type, eating habits and so much more led me to my eating disorder.
Control is something that everyone wants. Everyone seeks to be in control and people deal with not being in control in different ways. Life is full of uncertainty and that can be terrifying. Thinking about my future often gives me panic attacks. Lately, as I have been struggling, I have been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do with my life. For a long time I wanted to be a therapist and help women and men who are going through what I am going through and have gone through or something similar. ED does not like that idea because he knows that in order be a therapist I have to be fully and completely committed to recovery which he does not want and scares the hell out of me causing lots of anxiety. I know that I cannot let ED control my life like this but thinking about my future as a possible therapist and reevaluating that has proven to have a positive aspect. Over the summer I interned at a domestic violence shelter. Working on the hotline I encountered a lot of women in horrible situations whom I had to talk to and counsel to the best of my ability. Some days were so difficult emotionally because of the situations these women would find themselves in which has made me consider the burnout rate for therapists and others working in that field. I have started looking into other options for my future which is both exciting and anxiety provoking. I have control over this, some control, but it is just such a major decision that I know I need to seek out advice. I will not let the fear and anxiety of this decision and situation rule me. This is one way that I can work to take my life back from my anxiety and ED.
The Fine Art of Control
You feel a gradual welling up of fear. But you know you need to keep your cool. In these situations it does not pay to panic. Taking a deep breath you still your wildly beating heart, willing it to slow its pace. It does not want to listen, in a race with the techno music blasting from your speakers. You start to regret the decisions that landed you here. Why are you here again? You don't remember. You search frantically for your friends hoping to spot them in the crowd. It's too thick; you cannot see. The dull ache turns to an intense knife of pain. You sit down trying to convince your hear it is okay. But the pain continues, you decide to give into it knowing that it will eventually go away. After all who is in control, you or your body? "Me," it says but you don't listen and you never did.
Control is something that everyone wants. Everyone seeks to be in control and people deal with not being in control in different ways. Life is full of uncertainty and that can be terrifying. Thinking about my future often gives me panic attacks. Lately, as I have been struggling, I have been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do with my life. For a long time I wanted to be a therapist and help women and men who are going through what I am going through and have gone through or something similar. ED does not like that idea because he knows that in order be a therapist I have to be fully and completely committed to recovery which he does not want and scares the hell out of me causing lots of anxiety. I know that I cannot let ED control my life like this but thinking about my future as a possible therapist and reevaluating that has proven to have a positive aspect. Over the summer I interned at a domestic violence shelter. Working on the hotline I encountered a lot of women in horrible situations whom I had to talk to and counsel to the best of my ability. Some days were so difficult emotionally because of the situations these women would find themselves in which has made me consider the burnout rate for therapists and others working in that field. I have started looking into other options for my future which is both exciting and anxiety provoking. I have control over this, some control, but it is just such a major decision that I know I need to seek out advice. I will not let the fear and anxiety of this decision and situation rule me. This is one way that I can work to take my life back from my anxiety and ED.
The Fine Art of Control
You feel a gradual welling up of fear. But you know you need to keep your cool. In these situations it does not pay to panic. Taking a deep breath you still your wildly beating heart, willing it to slow its pace. It does not want to listen, in a race with the techno music blasting from your speakers. You start to regret the decisions that landed you here. Why are you here again? You don't remember. You search frantically for your friends hoping to spot them in the crowd. It's too thick; you cannot see. The dull ache turns to an intense knife of pain. You sit down trying to convince your hear it is okay. But the pain continues, you decide to give into it knowing that it will eventually go away. After all who is in control, you or your body? "Me," it says but you don't listen and you never did.
