Thanksgiving and Chaos

Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday. For all of us with eating disorders it is a day of high stress. The centrality of food on holidays makes them times of high anxiety and often little pleasure. The holidays are supposed to be joyous times but I often ask myself why do they have to be so much about food? Yes Thanksgiving celebrated the plentiful harvest and the friendship of early settlers and native americans but food does not need to be the center piece on the table so to speak. This year, as in the past, I have much to be grateful for: friends, family, my pets, my education and most importantly, the most recent addition to my circle, by boyfriend Dan. He has been the most amazing thing in my life for almost the past year and I don't know where I would be without him. While the Thanksgiving table may be piled high with turkey, potatoes, stuffing and more, while my mother may start a fight with me during dinner, I have him to fall back on. Though he could not be there for me physically this year he helped me through it with support from afar and by taking me out the day after. I may not be at my best for him yet as yesterday I just cried for a while in his arms. The knowledge that I have him there for me keeps me going. I may waver in my desire for recovery but he will always remind me why I am fighting for it. I know that ED is bad but He is all that I have known for so long. Now I have an alternative. It is hard making the choice to be healthy and I haven't quite got there yet but I am trying. I think I know now why ED decided to rear his head after three years in recovery, he sensed a new presence in my life on top of the fact that I am in my junior year of college and stressed beyond my mind. I need to take time for myself and I need to learn to relax, more importantly I need to learn to love and accept myself as he loves and accepts me.