Overwhelmed

I have not posted here in a while. Life has been absolutely insane. It just seems like I've had one thing after another come up and try to push me down. I have been struggling for a bit but recently a sad event really opened my eyes and I have started eating normally again but the guilt is so strong. I still see with the eyes of ED when I look in the mirror. I cannot get his voice out of my head. I know that if I go to the gym I will work myself into the ground so I have tried to stay away from it. I know that I have been depressed. I know because of my thoughts and desires. I really want to do whatever I can to hurt myself. I am just so tired all the time. I have trouble concentrating. I just need life to get a little easier and have not so much to do. I need a break and it doesn't seem like I'm going to get one.

I don't Know What to Do

I don't know what to do. ED is coming back. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to  do this again. I don't want to go back down that road but I'm scared. I just want to starve. I want to starve myself and I know that's not normal. I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Why am I allowing this back into my life? What am I supposed to do? At least I have therapy tomorrow. What is wrong with me that I just to starve myself to death? Why do I feel like such a failure? Why can't I just be at peace? I need help.

Dear Mom

There is much I would like to say to you. So much that I don't even know where to begin. What does a daughter say to her mother when there really is nothing left to say? I love you. I really do but I can't be around you anymore. I know that you try and I know that you mean well. I know that life isn't easy with me. I know that we fight a lot and it sucks but you need to take responsibility for your actions.

I have to say that you are always a little too late. Apologizing for everything this summer the day I go back to school doesn't really work and if you think that doing so means that you don't have to do anything or change than you are wrong. We can't have a relationship this way. This summer I told you again and again that I needed to heave dinner earlier and you did nothing; I told you that continued recovery from my eating disorder depended on it and you did nothing. How do you think that makes feel mom? Do you not care enough about me? Am I not important enough? I don't understand and I need to.

I have something to say.
I have something to say TO YOU!!!
You, you who gave birth to me.
You, who "raised" me,
You who taught me,
You who ignored me.

I have something to say
I have something to say TO YOU!!!
You, you who brought me into the world
You who saw to my education
You who made the "Laws"
You who policed me
You who "MADE" me
I have something to say TO YOU.
I want to tell you how you made me feel.
I want to tell you how you treated me.
I want to tell you how you used me.
I want to tell you how you scare me.
I want to tell you how I hate that side of you.
I want to tell you how you hurt me.
I want to tell you how I cry,
Cry myself to sleep,
Cry for me,
Cry for you,
Cry because it hurts,
Cry because I'm scared,
Cry because you become a monster,
Cry because I don't know you,
Cry because ... I've lost my mom.

I have something to say,
I have something to say TO YOU
I have to tell you, tell you
That you abuse me
That you hurt me

Tell you that it's not okay.
Tell you that I will not take the blame.
Tell you that I am not your punching bag.
Tell you that I'm done.

I ... I ... (can I say it?) I am cutting the cord.
I cannot accept you as my mother.
I am sorry,
So, so, so, so, so sorry.
I cannot do this anymore.
I need to get over this.
I need to get out of this relationship.
That is what I have to say,
That is what I have to say to you.

Wishing, Wondering, Processing

Well the first week of school is over and I survived! That has to be good. So what have I learned so far? Well more than I would think actually, and I 'm not really talking about academics. I have learned to drop a class, albeit a gym class, without too much fuss. I have learned that maybe taking a fifth class this semester isn't such a good idea for my mental or emotional well-being. I learned that being at school might be the best time to delve deeper into my issues and work on the underlying cause of a lot of my struggles since I do not have to worry about the day-to-day surviving I do at home.

I know that I can't blame my mom for everything in my life but this summer I came to realize that she is a huge part of my problems. It is quite possible that I can't be healthy as long as I am around her. There is too much stress and emotional upheaval when around her. I realize that I resent her and every project she is involved in. I feel like she didn't really pay enough attention to me as a kid or the family as a whole. I know that she was older when she had me but that doesn't explain why she had the energy to carry out all these projects but she couldn't spend time with me that summer. I understand that the town needed her and the Grange project needed her too. I needed her. I don't think I've ever said those words about my mother. It's weird but I cannot recall ever really admitting to needing her. I don't like to need anyone. I want to be independent and independent people have no needs. I know that that statement is false but I can't help believing it and it has brought me much trouble. I need to learn that it is okay to accept that I have needs and that I can ask people for help. To ask for help always seemed to risky, it opened me up for attack. That was what I got when I opened up to my family. I was made fun of and belittled, so I learned to close off those doors and lock the windows. So now I have to learn to be vulnerable all over again. I am making progress. Slowly. I am learning to open up to those I trust and to trust again. It's a process, as is everything in life, a journey to take and I am but the explorer in uncharted territory.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we grow up we would no longer be vulnerable. But really to grow up is to accept vulnerability ... To be alive is to be vulnerable." -Madeleine L'Engles

First Day of Classes and Fear

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." -Seneca

Today was the first day of class. Overall it wasn't bad. I had three academic classes and the introductory class for my T'ai Chi class. Going through today made me realize that I can't take a fifth class. Life is crazy and I can't make life any more complicated than it already is. I need to have time to breathe and relax. I need to learn that it is okay not to do everything. I think that I need to give up one of my clubs. I am doing too much and I know that starting an Active Minds chapter at Mount Holyoke would look really good on my resume but I have to think about my emotional and mental well-being. I am getting chest pain more often now which makes me think that it is probably stress and anxiety. I am going to try to contact my psychiatrist about maybe getting something more for my anxiety. I just really haven't been doing too well lately.

I am really excited about my classes but it is going to be a lot of work. I am taking two 300-level English on the same day which means a lot of reading. I am hoping that I can handle it but I'm really nervous about it. I am terrified of failure and hold myself to high standards. I need to learn that a B+ or B is not the end of the world.  It is okay not to ace every class. Perfection is not a realistic goal. I know this but I still try to hold myself to those standards and when I inevitably fail then I am a horrible, worthless person, or so I tell myself. This year I am going to try to work harder on that. Maybe I will try to purposefully do something imperfectly and work through it, telling myself it is okay. Life will not end if everything is not perfect. My perfectionism keeps me from even beginning something because I am too afraid that I will mess it up so I don't even try. This is not okay with me. I do not want to be holding back on life because of fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I now see how big of a lie that was. So now I will work on conquering my fear. However the paradox is that fear of failure to conquer my fears makes me not want to try. So I guess step one is to work on my fear of failure and go from there.
"Do the thing you fear the most and the death of the fear is certain." -Mark Twain

Classes, classes, classes

Well it's that time. Classes start tomorrow and I am already planning on overloading myself. I talked with a couple of friends today. One of my friends had overloaded herself and I was talking to her. She almost had a mental breakdown last semester. So I took some advise from her and am dropping my 8 o'clock pilates class. I still have T'ai Chi at 9 but she recommended against back to back gym classes especially early morning ones. I guess that is a good idea since I have issues with over doing exercise and stuff. Plus I promised friends that I would work out with them so I guess I should be careful. I really want to do everything but I know that it is not possible.

I am still having trouble with ED. At least I am eating three meals a day so far but they aren't the biggest meals and I don't want to eat. I haven't been to the gym yet but T'ai Chi is tomorrow, however I think that T'ai Chi will be good for working with ED. It sounds like we will have time for meditation and I think I need more of that in my life. On the plus side I have not done anymore self-harm. I have wanted to but my boyfriend took away my razors for one and I don't want to break a new one. Last time when I burned myself it was more circumstantial. With the power outage, depression, and a burning flame it was just too easy. I am trying not to put myself in positions where it would be easy to hurt myself. I don't need to add that stress to my life.

I am going to make an effort this year to not over do it. I may have to drop a club. I'm not happy about it but three clubs is kind of a lot especially when I have leadership roles in all three. I am going to try to stay away from drama but it seems to follow me wherever I go. However I am not going to let it get me down. Life does not wait. I am going to go out and live it and take every opportunity. That said I have to learn when it's an opportunity that will enrich my life and learn to say no when it may just add stress. Sigh it's so confusing but I will work on my need to be perfect and do everything.

Welcome Back

I'm back home!!!!!!!!!!!! Well what is home to me, Mount Holyoke College!!!! It is so good to be back. Life here is great. I am set up in my own room. I have a single this year!!! Classes start on Wednesday and I am excited. As excited as I am for the new year, I am also really nervous. I really want to do well this year. I don't want it to be like last year. I want to have fun and be free to be me. I don't want more friend drama. I don't want to have to find new friends again this year. Life is too complicated. I need to remember to relax and go easy on myself but I know that I push myself too hard and am worried that I might be doing that again. I am thinking about taking an additional class and I want to get a second job. I need the money but I know I can't do that. I need to work on how hard I push myself and what I spend my time doing. I need to learn to breath and be calm.

Thinking

So today was rather productive. I heard back from a few therapists. There is a therapist who seems good. I am working on setting up an appointment with her. I am taking steps to ensure that I do not go back to how I was before. Everyday gets harder it seems. I am constantly fighting with myself. I know that it is not myself that it is ED I am fighting but it does not feel that way. I want to be skinny. I want to loose weight. I don't want to look in the mirror and see this fatty staring back at me. However I have got to remember that ED is a lying bastard who can warp my mind. He follows me everywhere I go. It's like I can't escape him. I just want to be alone and not have him in my head 24/7. I am going keep going trying. I am going to keep on following my meal plan. I am going keep fighting. I will. I will.

Why do I have to be like this? I hate the constant fighting and back and forth. I don't want to tie myself to ED but I do. I don't understand why this is happening. It could be the depression or being home or it could be going back to school. Last semester was really difficult with friends and I'm scared the same thing would happen. I don't want to make friends just to have them stop being my friends. I'd rather not go through that again. I just want to get better. I really want to be better.