First Day of Classes and Fear

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." -Seneca

Today was the first day of class. Overall it wasn't bad. I had three academic classes and the introductory class for my T'ai Chi class. Going through today made me realize that I can't take a fifth class. Life is crazy and I can't make life any more complicated than it already is. I need to have time to breathe and relax. I need to learn that it is okay not to do everything. I think that I need to give up one of my clubs. I am doing too much and I know that starting an Active Minds chapter at Mount Holyoke would look really good on my resume but I have to think about my emotional and mental well-being. I am getting chest pain more often now which makes me think that it is probably stress and anxiety. I am going to try to contact my psychiatrist about maybe getting something more for my anxiety. I just really haven't been doing too well lately.

I am really excited about my classes but it is going to be a lot of work. I am taking two 300-level English on the same day which means a lot of reading. I am hoping that I can handle it but I'm really nervous about it. I am terrified of failure and hold myself to high standards. I need to learn that a B+ or B is not the end of the world.  It is okay not to ace every class. Perfection is not a realistic goal. I know this but I still try to hold myself to those standards and when I inevitably fail then I am a horrible, worthless person, or so I tell myself. This year I am going to try to work harder on that. Maybe I will try to purposefully do something imperfectly and work through it, telling myself it is okay. Life will not end if everything is not perfect. My perfectionism keeps me from even beginning something because I am too afraid that I will mess it up so I don't even try. This is not okay with me. I do not want to be holding back on life because of fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I now see how big of a lie that was. So now I will work on conquering my fear. However the paradox is that fear of failure to conquer my fears makes me not want to try. So I guess step one is to work on my fear of failure and go from there.
"Do the thing you fear the most and the death of the fear is certain." -Mark Twain

Classes, classes, classes

Well it's that time. Classes start tomorrow and I am already planning on overloading myself. I talked with a couple of friends today. One of my friends had overloaded herself and I was talking to her. She almost had a mental breakdown last semester. So I took some advise from her and am dropping my 8 o'clock pilates class. I still have T'ai Chi at 9 but she recommended against back to back gym classes especially early morning ones. I guess that is a good idea since I have issues with over doing exercise and stuff. Plus I promised friends that I would work out with them so I guess I should be careful. I really want to do everything but I know that it is not possible.

I am still having trouble with ED. At least I am eating three meals a day so far but they aren't the biggest meals and I don't want to eat. I haven't been to the gym yet but T'ai Chi is tomorrow, however I think that T'ai Chi will be good for working with ED. It sounds like we will have time for meditation and I think I need more of that in my life. On the plus side I have not done anymore self-harm. I have wanted to but my boyfriend took away my razors for one and I don't want to break a new one. Last time when I burned myself it was more circumstantial. With the power outage, depression, and a burning flame it was just too easy. I am trying not to put myself in positions where it would be easy to hurt myself. I don't need to add that stress to my life.

I am going to make an effort this year to not over do it. I may have to drop a club. I'm not happy about it but three clubs is kind of a lot especially when I have leadership roles in all three. I am going to try to stay away from drama but it seems to follow me wherever I go. However I am not going to let it get me down. Life does not wait. I am going to go out and live it and take every opportunity. That said I have to learn when it's an opportunity that will enrich my life and learn to say no when it may just add stress. Sigh it's so confusing but I will work on my need to be perfect and do everything.