Struggling and Thoughts

So it comes as no surprise to me that having a scale is a bad idea which leads to much unhappiness, however I cannot seem to part with the damn thing. I am constantly stepping on and stepping off. My day or night is determined by what that number is. If it goes down it's good, up is bad. So as I start to eat in preparation for treatment my weight goes up. It does not matter how much or little it rises, each time it does I feel that self-esteem I already have so little of fall a bit more. I would give anything not to care about weight or how my body looks in the mirror. I would give anything to be free of this obsession. I do not know how many hours, days, weeks, months, years I have spent thinking about food, weight and my body. It makes me sad that I am so consumed with these issues. As a child I used to have fun and have a life. Now I find myself unable to enjoy times with friends and family because I am so self-conscious and food is part of every meeting. I think about how I can make it look like I had more than I actually did, if there is a way to get out of eating. I always scan the table to make sure that I am the one having the least. There is a running count in my head, a table of body types. If I am the skinniest one there I can feel good, if I am not then I am a failure. All I want is to be normal but try as I might I keep being drawn back into this pattern. Now it is time to get help to work on this but even though I know deep down that I need to go and get help, I am still fighting with myself constantly because I do not want to go. I am scared and sad. I don't want to miss my summer but I have no choice. I need to spend this time focusing on me and my needs and I need to learn that that is okay. While in treatment I have many goals but I still plan on working on things for the outside world. I will bring my GRE books. I will continue to write and journal.  I will do reading. There is so much that I want to do and I will find a way to do it. I know that by bringing things to do to treatment I will have a chance to practice balancing what I need/want to do and what I am able to do. I will be able to test my boundaries and limits in a secure environment and this is something I am excited and scared to do. At school, I constantly seem to be running from one thing to another and I need to learn balance. I cannot do everything all the time. I need to learn to say no and speak up when I am overwhelmed and most importantly, I need to learn to ask for help and advocate for myself. The first step in this, I believe, is doing something about the nutrition information that is posted on all food in the dining halls and the Vermont laws that require restaurants and chains to post calories. This is my next step of advocating for myself since I know that if I go back to school and have to face the caloric content of every item all the time I will relapse. It sucks but I know I am not the only one with this problem and someone needs to stand up for us all. 

First Day of Classes and Fear

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." -Seneca

Today was the first day of class. Overall it wasn't bad. I had three academic classes and the introductory class for my T'ai Chi class. Going through today made me realize that I can't take a fifth class. Life is crazy and I can't make life any more complicated than it already is. I need to have time to breathe and relax. I need to learn that it is okay not to do everything. I think that I need to give up one of my clubs. I am doing too much and I know that starting an Active Minds chapter at Mount Holyoke would look really good on my resume but I have to think about my emotional and mental well-being. I am getting chest pain more often now which makes me think that it is probably stress and anxiety. I am going to try to contact my psychiatrist about maybe getting something more for my anxiety. I just really haven't been doing too well lately.

I am really excited about my classes but it is going to be a lot of work. I am taking two 300-level English on the same day which means a lot of reading. I am hoping that I can handle it but I'm really nervous about it. I am terrified of failure and hold myself to high standards. I need to learn that a B+ or B is not the end of the world.  It is okay not to ace every class. Perfection is not a realistic goal. I know this but I still try to hold myself to those standards and when I inevitably fail then I am a horrible, worthless person, or so I tell myself. This year I am going to try to work harder on that. Maybe I will try to purposefully do something imperfectly and work through it, telling myself it is okay. Life will not end if everything is not perfect. My perfectionism keeps me from even beginning something because I am too afraid that I will mess it up so I don't even try. This is not okay with me. I do not want to be holding back on life because of fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I now see how big of a lie that was. So now I will work on conquering my fear. However the paradox is that fear of failure to conquer my fears makes me not want to try. So I guess step one is to work on my fear of failure and go from there.
"Do the thing you fear the most and the death of the fear is certain." -Mark Twain