Ugh. So I realize I have been away for a long time. I've been very busy with various things and as there are only a few more weeks in the semester continue to be so. However I am also fighting the everlasting battle. I am really struggling. I don't know what to do. I know I need to eat but I am still having trouble keeping food down. Yeah it may just be in my mind but I don't know how to control it. Also I'm scared of food and eating. I hate myself for eating and feel like a total failure. I don't know my weight but I know that I was on a downward trend for over a month or so that has just barely started to turn around and that's scaring me too. I don't want to gain weight. ED wants me to lose weight and not eat. I hate going out in the cold to get food but I am always hungry, something I hate to admit. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cannot stand being in my body and I feel like I'm trapped with no way of doing anything. I just want to be free. I want to be free of the oppressive guilt I have every time I take a bit of something.
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