Making Plans and Checking them Thrice

Okay, sorry for the cheesy title it just came out. Things are starting to get better. I'm having lunch and breakfast and dinner and following my meal plan almost completely. This weekend I head back to school and I'm trying to plan ahead for support down there. I know that I can see my therapist at school 15 times a year. I really like her but if I start to relapse or slip I think I may need to see someone more often than that so I have started doing research on therapists in the area. I really want to find the right therapist. I have had soooo many in the past 6 to 7 years and I have only liked my current therapist. I know that it is important to find the right person.  I have been researching and sending out emails. I really want to do this right. I want to have backup if things go badly. I know that it will be really stressful. I'm only taking 4 classes, as of now, but I'm working and I have an independent study project I'm doing with my psychology adviser. I am also getting involved with more clubs and organizations. I really want to make the most of this experience because it only happens once. Life is crazy at school and I want to have someone I can go to if I need to. I know I have friends who are here to support me but I've had some really bad experiences with friends at college in the past so I really want to have a therapist I can go to. Now I just have to talk with the parents so I can get permission to see someone.

I really want to have a good year and I'm really scared that ED will mess this up. I had a really bad semester in the spring after a bad semester in the fall. Last year I had two sets of friends dump me and I now I'm scared to make friends because I don't want them to do the same. I spent weeks depressed because I had no one to talk to make friends. The friends I have now are going abroad in the spring. I guess I will stick to my groups. There are some great people there but one of the friends who is no longer a friend is in one of my favorite clubs. I am not going to let her keep me from it though. I am going to get through this. I will have a good year and I will enjoy it. I am not going to let last year stop me from having fun and meeting new people. I'm going to do this. I am going to do the best that I can.

"The key to change ... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash

"There are two mistakes along the road to truth ... not going all the way, and not starting." -Buddha

Getting Better, Slowly

Slowly working my way back. Some days are better than others but slowly. I had lunch today. Which is good I guess. I feel really guilty about it plus I had a piece of pizza for dinner. Dan took me out to dinner and he made sure that I knew that it was ED and not reality. I am trying to remember I am not ED and ED is not me. I am very tired. I just want it all to go away/

When the Lights Go Out

So looking back on the past week or so I realize that I've been depressed lately. I guess I still am but now that I recognize it I can work on turning on the light. I know that I have been struggling with ED and I've had a few instances of self-harm. I need to find ways to deal with these things. I need to work on dealing with my emotions and identifying them. I don't really understand how this happened. I thought that I was doing really well but I guess that I let my guard down and ED and self-harm saw the opportunity to come back into my life. Maybe it's just because I'm home around my family in which case I hope it all gets better when I go back. However I cannot expect a change in location and environment to change everything. I have to work on this. I cannot be blind-sided by my depression again. My plan: 1) start journalling/blogging, 2) talk to friends/family, 3) take time for myself, 4) relax, yoga, meditate. I will do better. I want to work on it. I want to be better. Most of the time. I am really fighting myself on this but I know that it's not myself that I'm fighting but my disorder/disease and I just have to keep reminding myself that that part that says it's me is not. I can do this and I will.

Angel

I realize how lucky I am. I know that I do not always appreciate it. My life is hard yes, especially with my family around, but I have something, or I should say someone, that many people do not have. I know that through thick and thin I have him, my boyfriend, my angel. He is there when I need him. He brought me to the ER when I was not responsive. He holds me and talks to me when I feel ED seeping through my thoughts. He is there when I want to cut and takes my razors from me so I won't do it. He lets me know that he is here and he will always be here for me. I do not know what I would do without him or where I would be. I am sooo grateful to him for all that he has done and all that he is to me. I love him and he loves me. For once I know what unconditional love from another human being is. Thank you Dan, my angel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

Pains and Anxieties

Two trips to the ER in one week. Chest and abdominal pain for one and lethargy for two. The second trip resulted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. I'm not sure what caused the anxiety. Life has been crazy. With everything going on ED has been really active and trying to get me back. Hopelessness and fear have returned and I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this. My family is not being all that supportive. I guess it makes sense because of the stress at home but when I'm with my boyfriend things are great and I was with him when it happened. Although when I am with him I let myself feel my emotions and my walls come down so that could be why it happened. Everything just seems so complicated and crazy. I wish it would all go away and my body would be okay. I'm really scared and just want to be okay. My self-harm is also trying to come back but I know why this time. I know it's because of the stress of my medical/emotional state. I know it's because I'm home with my family and stressed out. So now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this.

Well a good first step would be to stop questioning the diagnosis for the chest/abdominal pain because that will only make me go crazier. Then I need to work on how to relax and practice some deep breathing. Now that I have my stitches out I can start doing some light exercising and basic yoga which should help a lot. Then I need to work on recognizing my emotions and dealing with them in the moment so they do not build up and manifest in physical ways. When I go back to school I need to start seeing a therapist again. It is good that I am not overloading myself at school. Life will get better. I have to believe that.

ED's Gifts To Me

ED has brought many things into my life. He has made my life a living hell. He has given me anxiety. He has taken years of my life. He has set me up for constant failure with his demands of perfection. He has worked to manipulate my relationship with food, weight and exercise. He has disrupted my body's balance and more. He took me from my family and friends. He ruined my junior year of high school and my transcript. And now that I am in recovery he is still haunts me and tries to ruin my life.

I am not talking about the constant reminders that he is there. I am talking about the possible long term effects of ED. I have been having chest pains for over a year now and recently it's been getting worse. This summer I have seen all manner of doctors, been to the ER and they have found nothing. It is frustrating not knowing what is going on and not having any answers, any clue about what is wrong. It almost feels like another method of trying to get me to return to him. And I almost feel like doing it.

Not knowing why I am having this pain or what is going on is not only frustrating but scary as well. Not knowing anything has brought up feelings of hopelessness and ED is once again offering his help. He is calling to me, saying that he can help. If I just focus on food, cut down my intake, exercise, I can feel better, he will help me to feel better. But I know, even though I am scared, frustrated and feeling hopeless, returning to ED would only make things worse. I cannot go back to him but more importantly I will not go back. I will stand up to him. I will deal with it and I will emerge stronger for it. I do not want anything more from ED. He has given and taken enough. I am not ED and he is not me. I will not be fooled again. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reflections

Looking back at the years I spent deep in my eating disorder and struggling with self-harm, I find myself grasping for memories that do not seem to be there. Everything seems fuzzy and confusing. Blurry images and static are all that remains from that time. It is difficult to look back over the years of my life and not be able to recall, events, fond memories or anything but emptiness and it scares me. What was I doing with my life that I have lost years of living, years of memories? It makes me realize how much ED really took from me.

In those years where I was actively engaging in a relationship with ED and self-harm I completely lost myself in them. They became me and I them. Of course I have no memories to speak of as I was not myself, I was not Anna so Anna would not have those memories. With ED and self-harm by my side all I had to do was get through the day. There was no energy for anything else. It was all about surviving that moment. My focus was on food and cutting so even if I, Anna, was present in that moment all I would remember is food and cutting. Now that I am in recovery I want to make the most of my time. I want to make up for lost time and have experiences and make memories. I want to live to the fullest. I want to be myself and get to know who that is. I get to have adventures and try new things, something ED never let me do. I will work through my anxiety and not let it or ED hold me back. I don't want to look back on any more years and not be able to remember or see only fuzzy flashes of events. From now on I will do my best to just be.

Who Am I?

Who am I without ED?

I have asked this question many times and I don't really know how to answer it - or maybe I am afraid to answer it. For years I have allowed ED to define me, wanted to be defined as ED. It is scary to think of this question. For so long all I had was ED. He was my constant companion. He was always there for me. I could turn to him when I felt overwhelmed, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, angry, etc. and without him I often feel lost. At times I run back to him, clinging on to the known but now my eyes have been opened; I know what comes with ED - fear, hurt, illness, weakness, shadows, emptiness, death. So what does this leave me? Who is this person left in ED's absence?

Well, there are many ways to describe me but does that really say who I am? I am Anna Elizabeth Smith. I am a daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin, lover, girlfriend. I am a student. I am a pagan/wiccan. I am a MoHo. I am an alumna. I am a Leo. A cat lover. A reader. A writer. A poet. A fighter. A woman. A human. A Vermonter. A former Catholic and Catholic school girl. I am all these things but does that say who I really am? Am I more than this? How am I defined? Can I be defined? Is it a question of who I am or who I want to be? These questions challenge me each day. I used to be able to answer the question, who am I quite easily, I was ED but now I can be so much more and am so much more. Even if I cannot put words to it I know that I am more than my eating disorder and even when ED tries to walk back through that door I know that I am capable of more than being just ED.

Who am I? I am who I am. I am a human being in flux. There is no one definition for who I am. I can be defined by my actions, by my characteristics, by my relationships, by my place in society but I am so much more than all of those things. I am a living, breathing force. I am a free spirit in a body in the image of my Goddess granted the gift of life. My body, my life is holy and precious and I will not allow anyone to crush that or taint this gift. I have been given a chance to make a difference in this world and I would be foolish to give that up. ED will not weigh me down with his bullshit. He will not extinguish my light and life. I will not give him that chance. I see him for what he really is and I am stronger than him. I see him for the weakling he is preying on humanity and luring innocent and wonderful people into his abusive relationship, a relationship that if unstopped will result in death. I will not let him take me because I have learned one thing about who I am if nothing else. ED has taught me that I am strong, stronger than he reckoned because I fought him and I will fight him every day that I live and each day I grow stronger for the fight. So I may not know who I am in my entirety but I know enough and each day I have the opportunity to learn more.

Trust

Trust n. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is such a difficult thing. It requires faith, faith in a person or thing, faith that that person has your best interests at heart, faith that you can rely on that person or thing no matter what. In some ways I am a very trusting person, yet that has changed over time as everything does.

When I was a kid I had that kid's sense of wonder, faith and trust in all and everything. I knew that everything and everyone was trustworthy and I had nothing to fear. That changed as I got older. I slowly realized that depending on my parents, not the best idea. My friends I could always trust. Eventually I just stopped trusting people in general. It was around this time that I started finding my trust placed elsewhere, specifically my eating disorder.

My eating disorder offered me an escape. It offered me a safe place, someone I could trust. I put my faith in ED and everything was great. That is until my health and weight went dangerously downhill. And so it was that once again I had placed my trust in someone and again been betrayed. So now I am again learning to trust.

I am learning to trust myself, trust my instincts. I am learning to explore to overcome my fears by facing them. I always loved a challenge when I was younger and I am learning to find joy in the challenge once again. Most importantly I have found someone I trust who is helping me explore and helps me see when ED is trying to may a comeback. It feels so good to be able to place my trust in someone whom I know cares about me again. I love learning to let someone in, let someone see the real me. I want to stay like this. I want to get back to my life. I want to live my life without ED and I am on my journey to do so.

If At First You Don't Succeed....

Try, try again. Well that's what I'm doing. Life keeps throwing curve balls but all I can do it go with it. My anxiety does not make this easy but over the years I have learned some techniques for managing anxiety and I am working with it. Life goes on and it does not wait for you to catch up. Though I do not have a job this summer and only a couple days a week are taken up by my internship I find that this summer has been more stressful than my school year. It seems that I will not get a break. Being "home" is so overwhelming, difficult, frustrating that I found myself going back to my eating disorder, my comfort zone in what seems like a war zone. I know that I cannot handle conflict well. I slipped fairly far back into behaviors before I was ready to ask for help. Unfortunately my first request for help fell on deaf ears so I closed up again until I was at the point where I needed to have ensure to make it through the day. Then I tried again this time going to my old therapist, finally help. Going to her was just what I needed, reassurance that I was not crazy, that nothing in my family had changed in the 3 years I'd been in recovery and dealing with my issues, that of course I was hurting and that it was natural and I did not need to play out my feelings on my body nor take out my anger, fear, frustration with my family on my body. My body is not a war zone. I can be me and I will be me.

Now I can get back to what is important to me. I can read. I can write. I can just be. I can stand up for myself. I will not fight other's battles for them. I will not get involved in my family's conflicts as they are, as my therapist constantly reminds me, not my problem. I will focus on myself and my needs. I will get to know what my body is telling me and listen to it. Most importantly I will heal. On my own and with my friends and real family, those who act as such.

And Life Goes On

"I took some time out for life." -James L. Brooks

Well it's not so that I took some time out for life as much as it is life took some time out for me. I know that it's been a looong time since I've written and there are many reasons for this. First, it's been crazy here. Conflicts, fights, avoiding, therapy, boyfriend, eating disorder difficulties, the farm (aka animals), etc. Things are changing here, perhaps, finally. Who knows what will happen. Mom might be finally losing her grip on the family. But for me it's a little too late. I have realized that for my health I cannot be around her for any period of time. Coming home has once again been a HUGE mistake. I cannot come back next summer. It hurts a lot but she has many issues of her own to deal with before I can have a real relationship. I cannot allow myself to be hurt over and over in this fashion. I do not know if she does it on purpose, I'm pretty sure she does not, but at this point I have tried to tell her what I need and again and again she ignores it. So as much as I hate it I have to protect myself if she will not.

Next I fall and open my knee. Of course since I wanted to get home and didn't want to wait for the rain to stop which then resulted in running in the rain which then resulted in my slipping and falling, it's my fault, clearly. Well at least according to my mother. So thus another reason I cannot be around her. I'm just very tired of all of this.

On the bright side I have been doing really well with my ED and have been following my meal plan for the most part the last few days. But that's all for now. I'm exhausted.

Peace, love and hope~