Who Am I?

Who am I without ED?

I have asked this question many times and I don't really know how to answer it - or maybe I am afraid to answer it. For years I have allowed ED to define me, wanted to be defined as ED. It is scary to think of this question. For so long all I had was ED. He was my constant companion. He was always there for me. I could turn to him when I felt overwhelmed, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, angry, etc. and without him I often feel lost. At times I run back to him, clinging on to the known but now my eyes have been opened; I know what comes with ED - fear, hurt, illness, weakness, shadows, emptiness, death. So what does this leave me? Who is this person left in ED's absence?

Well, there are many ways to describe me but does that really say who I am? I am Anna Elizabeth Smith. I am a daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin, lover, girlfriend. I am a student. I am a pagan/wiccan. I am a MoHo. I am an alumna. I am a Leo. A cat lover. A reader. A writer. A poet. A fighter. A woman. A human. A Vermonter. A former Catholic and Catholic school girl. I am all these things but does that say who I really am? Am I more than this? How am I defined? Can I be defined? Is it a question of who I am or who I want to be? These questions challenge me each day. I used to be able to answer the question, who am I quite easily, I was ED but now I can be so much more and am so much more. Even if I cannot put words to it I know that I am more than my eating disorder and even when ED tries to walk back through that door I know that I am capable of more than being just ED.

Who am I? I am who I am. I am a human being in flux. There is no one definition for who I am. I can be defined by my actions, by my characteristics, by my relationships, by my place in society but I am so much more than all of those things. I am a living, breathing force. I am a free spirit in a body in the image of my Goddess granted the gift of life. My body, my life is holy and precious and I will not allow anyone to crush that or taint this gift. I have been given a chance to make a difference in this world and I would be foolish to give that up. ED will not weigh me down with his bullshit. He will not extinguish my light and life. I will not give him that chance. I see him for what he really is and I am stronger than him. I see him for the weakling he is preying on humanity and luring innocent and wonderful people into his abusive relationship, a relationship that if unstopped will result in death. I will not let him take me because I have learned one thing about who I am if nothing else. ED has taught me that I am strong, stronger than he reckoned because I fought him and I will fight him every day that I live and each day I grow stronger for the fight. So I may not know who I am in my entirety but I know enough and each day I have the opportunity to learn more.