ED's Gifts To Me

ED has brought many things into my life. He has made my life a living hell. He has given me anxiety. He has taken years of my life. He has set me up for constant failure with his demands of perfection. He has worked to manipulate my relationship with food, weight and exercise. He has disrupted my body's balance and more. He took me from my family and friends. He ruined my junior year of high school and my transcript. And now that I am in recovery he is still haunts me and tries to ruin my life.

I am not talking about the constant reminders that he is there. I am talking about the possible long term effects of ED. I have been having chest pains for over a year now and recently it's been getting worse. This summer I have seen all manner of doctors, been to the ER and they have found nothing. It is frustrating not knowing what is going on and not having any answers, any clue about what is wrong. It almost feels like another method of trying to get me to return to him. And I almost feel like doing it.

Not knowing why I am having this pain or what is going on is not only frustrating but scary as well. Not knowing anything has brought up feelings of hopelessness and ED is once again offering his help. He is calling to me, saying that he can help. If I just focus on food, cut down my intake, exercise, I can feel better, he will help me to feel better. But I know, even though I am scared, frustrated and feeling hopeless, returning to ED would only make things worse. I cannot go back to him but more importantly I will not go back. I will stand up to him. I will deal with it and I will emerge stronger for it. I do not want anything more from ED. He has given and taken enough. I am not ED and he is not me. I will not be fooled again. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't!!!!!!!!!!!!!