Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

This Struggle

There are times when I passingly wish I was dead. There are times when I feel so full of life that I am bursting. Now is not one of the latter. For some reason my brain likes to think that death would solve all of my problems, that I would be free of my struggles and worries, that I would be at peace with myself and the universe. Well, as many have said, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. And I'm not saying that I want to kill myself, so don't take it that way, but my mind likes to send the thought through it every once in a while. So it's something I have to deal with. For some people this might sounds crazy and I realize that in the spectrum of mental health I'm probably not on the upper end. The important thing is that I recognize this and as long as I am recognizing this then I'm not too worried. I can still find reasons why my death would be more of a disaster and loss than anything else. I know that there are people who love me very much and care about me and I would never want them to go through the pain of something like that. So I keep forging on, praying that this will get easier, that I will be able to keep fighting off my demons. Life is not easy, nor is it fair and these are facts that I accept. All I am asking is for it to be a little more tolerable. Yes I am struggling now but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day I will not struggle as much. Since I have been home I have not always been entirely honest with myself and I am working on that. I do not know if there has been one day that I have been at my house when I have not spontaneously thrown up. It is so hard for me to admit this and I have to say that it is not just that I am here with my parents because it has happened when I have been home alone. Part of my problem admitting to this issue is the fact that it has been so often misunderstood as me purging. I am not purging, I just can't seem to stop myself from vomiting. (Sorry if this is triggering to any of you who are reading this.) The other thing that I need to admit is that I do not always make up for what I cannot keep down. Part of this is because I am afraid that if I do I will throw it up again and it will just make things worse. The other part is my eating disorder telling me that if I eat it then it counts whether I keep it down or not. So these are issues to bring up now in therapy and with my nutritionist. I know that it is important that I deal with this, not just because of the issues with food and that I am not following my meal plan technically if I am not keeping the food down, but also because I can feel the damage I am doing. Specifically the other day when I think I tore something. The chest pain I have been having for years now has been linked to this issue of not keeping my food down. Today I jokingly said that my body's expiration date may be sooner than expected and I know that this will be true if I do not address this and get help for it. The problem is the shame. Everything comes with the shame. I know that my therapist and team will not judge me but I judge myself and that is the worst. So I start with admitting it and the next step is to try to be a bit easier on myself. I would not judge someone else who struggled with the same issue and I deserve the same treatment I show others. Today (it is technically morning) I will work on accepting where I am and moving forward. 

I Have a Name And It Is Not ED/Ana

I have a name and it is not ED, Anorexia, or Ana (though I am an Anna, two n's  not one, and not THAT ana). I have a name but I am not always that person. As I am continuing to work on recovery outside of treatment I find that it is much harder. There is no one around to watch me, no one to notice if I do not follow my meal plan, no one to check on me every hour, no one to stop me from exercising. Freedom is wonderful but it also means that I have the freedom to "engage in behaviors." (On a side note, I hat that term but I don't know how else to put it.) This freedom is a big responsibility. It means that I have to take charge of my recovery and that is an exciting but terrifying thing, partly because I don't know how much I really trust myself.

I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.

Making It at Home after Discharge

Well, I did it. I survived life at Klarman and have returned home. It's not the smoothest transition nor the easiest. Being back in the environment I was when I was still sick is hard and I have had a few slips but I am moving forward. Yes it is hard but I have done this before so I know that I can do it and this time I have my boyfriend. Sure he is not living in Vermont anymore but he is my main source of support outside my treatment team and I know I can reach him if I need to and just knowing that he cares helps. While behaviors have changed drastically since I was last home, my mind is still the same prison it has always been. I find myself hating this body more than ever and morning the lose of my eating disordered one. I wish there was a switch I could flick to turn off my brain but sadly there is no such thing. I work and work on reframing my thoughts but I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I wonder if I will ever be "normal," but what is normal anyway?

Looking through my journal from treatment and before I do see the progress I have made and it gives me hope. I did a lot of very hard work in treatment and I know that I need to continue that work if I want to truly recover. Some of my first steps in treatment were to make sure that my scale was removed from the house and other methods of body checking were disposed of. The scale was the hardest thing to get rid of but I felt so much better after doing so. I still have moments of regret associated with relinquishing my hold on a means of monitoring my weight but I know it was the right decision. If I had my scale, I would be quickly back to where I was before treatment. As it is I have to resist the urge to purchase a new one. I feel so torn. Within me I have two sides at war and I am pulled between the two. I can't get my eating disorder to shut up or leave me alone. Since entering my range everything has just gotten so much worse. The notion of "just losing a few pounds" is so strong but I know what it leads to and I don't want to go there. I don't want to throw away all the work that I have put into getting to where I am. I keep trying to stay positive but some days I just want to hide from the world and disappear all together. Fighting that urge is sometime the only thing I can think about. I feel like I am losing energy to keep pushing through and I am hoping that I can get to a better place before I do.

Urges and Behaviors

Today royally sucked. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of urges. I think that for the first time I actually went through a binge/purge cycle. As someone who has always restricted this is extremely hard to admit and the shame of seeing my weight go up and down several pounds or more only made things worse. As I approach the time when I will enter treatment (still not 100% sure when but soon), it seems like ED tries harder each day to keep his hold on me. While I have stuck to ED behaviors the urge to wander into other possible addictions also leaves me wondering what is going on. Wave after wave of thoughts and urges leave me exhausted and confused. While the binge/purge behaviors take over my thoughts also wandered towards alcohol. While I am still several months under the legal limit my parents have enough alcohol in our house to do some serious damage. Only once or twice before in my life have I had the urge to drown everything in that "wonderful" poison, alcohol. I know that with my issues with addiction seeking solace in the bottle is out of the frying pan and into the fire as the saying goes.

Years ago, when my brother was dealing with issues related to alcohol, I made a promise to myself that I would not develop the same issues. Thankfully my stubbornness and that promise kept me from touching the stuff,  both in the past when I have had urges to over do it and today. I only hope that I will be able to use my stubbornness to help deal with ED urges in the future. However, it is this stubbornness that ED also uses to his advantage. It is interesting that the qualities we have can be used to help us and hurt us. I know I still have a lot to learn about myself. I also know now that I have to be constantly vigilant because ED is a tricky bastard and even when I think I know every trick he can play, he still has a few up his sleeve that I do not know about yet. I also know that behaviors will increase when I am home and around my parents.

This house is toxic for me. Tonight I came to understand my eating disorder and what helped create it a little bit more. It is interesting what can click on that light and open our eyes so we have that "ah ha" moment. Tonight I watched my parent fight, not an uncommon event in our household. However what struck me was the fact that meal time was used by my mother as a way of getting back at my dad. She was mad at him for reasons I will not go into and so, though she had already decided that she did not feel well and so was not going to have dinner (a topic for another day and another post), she refused to sit down with him while he ate. My dad, being the guy that he is, was rather oblivious to the motivation behind my mother's lack of a presence at the table until I asked her if she was coming and then if she was mad. The whole situation was stressful and frustrating. Yet it was also eye-opening and has made me grateful that I no longer live here full time. School may be stressful and difficult at times but at least I am able to be in a healthy environment of my choosing. As I grow as a person and continue on the path to recovery I hope to be able to learn how to remove myself from situations that only hinder my recovery and health. 

Struggling and Thoughts

So it comes as no surprise to me that having a scale is a bad idea which leads to much unhappiness, however I cannot seem to part with the damn thing. I am constantly stepping on and stepping off. My day or night is determined by what that number is. If it goes down it's good, up is bad. So as I start to eat in preparation for treatment my weight goes up. It does not matter how much or little it rises, each time it does I feel that self-esteem I already have so little of fall a bit more. I would give anything not to care about weight or how my body looks in the mirror. I would give anything to be free of this obsession. I do not know how many hours, days, weeks, months, years I have spent thinking about food, weight and my body. It makes me sad that I am so consumed with these issues. As a child I used to have fun and have a life. Now I find myself unable to enjoy times with friends and family because I am so self-conscious and food is part of every meeting. I think about how I can make it look like I had more than I actually did, if there is a way to get out of eating. I always scan the table to make sure that I am the one having the least. There is a running count in my head, a table of body types. If I am the skinniest one there I can feel good, if I am not then I am a failure. All I want is to be normal but try as I might I keep being drawn back into this pattern. Now it is time to get help to work on this but even though I know deep down that I need to go and get help, I am still fighting with myself constantly because I do not want to go. I am scared and sad. I don't want to miss my summer but I have no choice. I need to spend this time focusing on me and my needs and I need to learn that that is okay. While in treatment I have many goals but I still plan on working on things for the outside world. I will bring my GRE books. I will continue to write and journal.  I will do reading. There is so much that I want to do and I will find a way to do it. I know that by bringing things to do to treatment I will have a chance to practice balancing what I need/want to do and what I am able to do. I will be able to test my boundaries and limits in a secure environment and this is something I am excited and scared to do. At school, I constantly seem to be running from one thing to another and I need to learn balance. I cannot do everything all the time. I need to learn to say no and speak up when I am overwhelmed and most importantly, I need to learn to ask for help and advocate for myself. The first step in this, I believe, is doing something about the nutrition information that is posted on all food in the dining halls and the Vermont laws that require restaurants and chains to post calories. This is my next step of advocating for myself since I know that if I go back to school and have to face the caloric content of every item all the time I will relapse. It sucks but I know I am not the only one with this problem and someone needs to stand up for us all. 

Reflections Before Bed

Wow. So I have been really bad about posting here. I guess I have had a lot going on which explains why I have been lax in my blogging. A lot has happened since I was on here last. For starters, I have finished the semester. I made it! There were times when I was not sure if I would but I completed the year and just in time. I have been slowly and not so slowly slipping since I was discharged from Walden. While the time I spent there probably kept me able to be in school, it did not help me get back on track with recovery. I could say that I had so many external factors going against me this semester and that these were the cause of my relapse but that would not be entirely honest. I don't' think I ever really was able to deal with the issues that helped create my eating disorder. I was able to deal with the behaviors but the thoughts and feelings never went away. In someways it feels like this relapse was a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. My low self-esteem, a major contributor to my eating disorder, was talked about but I never actually changed the way I think and feel about myself. It doesn't matter that people say that I am a good person or that I should feel good about myself, the plain fact is that I do not like myself, I barely tolerate myself. If someone asked me why this is I don't know that I could answer that question. There are many times, in fact most of the time, I cannot stand being in my body. This is a common feeling among those of us who struggle with body image issues and eating disorders so the knowledge that this is an issue for me is nothing new. What I want to know is why I feel this way and the fact that I cannot answer that question is frustrating. So, although I finished the semester, I do not feel that it was an accomplishment or that I should be proud of myself for that. The fact that I was able to remain at school is just something that I know I had to do and there was no option of not finishing. Tonight my dad said to me that I am a judgmental person; I disagreed with him. But if I look at the way I talk to myself and the standers that I hold for myself especially, and for others at times, I'd have to say that I am. So, armed with this knowledge I approach a new chapter in my life. Once again, I am going to residential treatment for my eating disorder, this time as an adult.

My labs and vitals indicate that, currently, I am medically stable. This is good news, though surprising news, for me and my team. While I am medically stable, I am in the worst place I have every been with my eating disorder in terms of weight and thoughts. Being at school granted me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. There was no accountability and so I could get away with anything. Except I wasn't really getting away with it, I was just postponing the inevitable and now I have to face myself and really look at the way I talk to myself, treat myself and view my body. I cannot hide any longer. Although my eating disorder is constantly trying to convince me that I am okay, that I do not need treatment, that I do not want treatment; objectively I know how much I need it. I keep thinking, well no one can force me. My parents don't have that power anymore. But really who am I hurting by refusing treatment when I know I need it. I would only be making life more difficult for myself and everyone who cares about me and loves me. As scared as I am, I need to face the truth: I need help. Admitting that is frightening and difficult. As someone who likes to be in control, who is the caretaker not the caretakee, someone who does not like to be told what to do, I know it will be difficult giving up this control and trusting my treatment team. I also have to realize that I am not in control anymore, I don't know if I ever was. All I have is the illusion of control and a body that will start to shut down, if it hasn't started already. Tomorrow I see my therapist I saw in high school. I know that it is going to be difficult. I am ashamed to return to her worse off than I was when she first and last saw me. I am afraid that I will disappoint her even though I know that that is not the case and the person I have disappointed is myself. I cannot help but feel that I chose to return to my eating disorder, that it is my fault. I do not know what this obsession with placing blame is a result of or why it is so strong, all I know is that it is there. The standards I hold myself to are unrealistic and impossible to achieve so why do I hold myself to them? Why do I clearly set myself up to fail? Again, I do not know but these are questions that I need to explore in therapy so that I can accept myself and start to move on with my life. There is so much more I want to write and say and do but for now I need to get some sleep. In the morning, perhaps I will see with new eyes. Perhaps I will be magically better. I smile and think to myself, 'If only it was that easy.' Although tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, I know that the weight of today (no pun intended) will be there tomorrow, pulling me down, keeping me locked in a seemingly endless battle of wills with myself.

Imbolc, Purification and Re-Dedication

To those who do not know, I am pagan and tonight at our pagan/wiccan collective meeting we celebrated one of our sabbaths a day early, Imbolc. It is a time of cleansing, purifying and dedicating oneself. As I have been struggling through the past few (or more than a few) months I have been uncertain of my desire for recovery. I have become so entrenched in ED/Ana that I could not see where I ended and they began. With the reality check of the possibility of needing treatment and the realization that this could not be done while working part time and remaining a full-time student I have had to confront this demon head on. Over the break my doctor and I made plans for when I would come back to school that were delayed due to the fact that during our J-term, a time which has traditionally been a time to take fun classes, non-academic classes and such, our health center was closed. This provided the perfect opportunity for ED/Ana to step into overdrive. And so I found myself at the health center meeting with my doctor who was talking treatment ideas and the possibility of doing IOP. Still reality did not fully hit me until yesterday when I had my first appointment with a nutritionist since the beginning of college almost three years ago. Reality dropped on me last night and after a few panic attacks I was still unsure of how this was going to go. I knew what I had to do, I know what I have to do, but was still uncertain that it could be done. Well tonight the night before Imbolc I am cleaning out my head and dedicating myself to recovery.

"I will give myself the chance, the choice to live. I will give my body a voice, the words to speak its needs and take the time to listen. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to being with another but will make my boundaries known. I will allow myself to need and to satisfy those needs. I will be present in my body without judgment or critique. I will be seen, heard. I will give myself permission to exist, take up space and have a presence."

These are the words I wrote during out ritual and with these words I dedicate myself to recovery. I say good-bye to the demon that has made my life hell, turned me into a liar and taken over so much of my time and energy. I will not allow myself to suffer at its hands anymore. I may slip up. I may have bad days. I will make mistakes but that comes with being human. I will not allow a slip up turn into an excuse to go backwards. I am done starving myself to death. I do not want that life because it isn't a life. I have goals, plans, things I want to do, passions I want to pursue. None of this can be done with ED/Ana in my life. I am ready, I think, to embrace life again. I will start by doing all I can to follow my meal plan. Whatever it takes I need to do because there is too much at stake to allow room for failure. Failure happens only when you give up the fight and I WILL NOT stop fighting. I can't, my life is at stake and there are people who love me and care about me whom I cannot let down. I am a stubborn person, one way or another I will find a way to follow the path of recovery and take my life back.

Drink Me

In Alice in Wonderland she drinks the potion that shrinks her. I was reading Alice in Wonderland last night before bed and thinking about this. What is this obsession with shrinking and growing? Why does everyone want to be so small? Why do I want to be so small? Why do I want to disappear so badly that I am willing to starve myself to do so? I do not understand it. I just want to be happy. ED says that I can be happy if I lose weight I will be happy, but I know he's a liar. I know that he is a liar and yet I listen, why do I listen? Why do I believe him? I don't want to believe him. I don't want to do what he says and yet I do. Life is waiting for me and ED is standing between me and life. So what do I do? Well for starters I put together my team. I get a nutritionist, contact school nutritionist on to-do list; I see a therapist, contacted and seeing; I contact and see my psychiatrist, done; I see my doctor at home, also done; and I see up weigh-ins at school, again on to-do list. Okay so I have my team in place but ED has called for back up. He's go his favorite weapon, the Scale, which I can't seem to give up yet. Then he's got Ms. Perfectionist, Mr. Self-Doubt, Ms. Depression and a whole crew of others. It's a battle between the two teams and what are we fighting over? My life. So that little bottle that says "Drink Me," well I started drinking it. Now I have to ask myself if I am willing to put the bottle down and take a bite of the cake that says "Eat Me" and honestly I do not know which way it will go right now.

I want to do my best. I want to fight. I am trying. I want to live my life and be happy. Life is waiting for me and I and want to live it. I don't want be like this but the anxiety of eating is so bad. I hate how I feel even without eating but when I eat it is even worse. I look at myself in the mirror and hate every inch of my body. I need to learn to stop being so critical but how? I guess I should cover the mirrors in my room but it's so hard because I know how much ED loves the mirror. I want to return to recovery this year. I want to make this year different from last year. Life is going to be different. I am going to be different. I am. I am I am.

Looking for Inspiration

“Spirituality leaps where science cannot yet follow, because science must always test and measure, and much of reality and human experience is immeasurable.” Starhawk

“Through the Goddess, we can discover our strength, enlighten our minds, own our bodies, and celebrate our emotions.” Starhawk

“As women, however, we need to look very closely at these philosophies and ask ourselves the hard-headed, critial question, "What's in it for me?" "What does this spiritual system do for women?" Of course, the gurus, teachers, and ascended masters will tell us that, even by asking such a question, we are merely continuing in our enslavement to the Lords of Mind; that it is simply another dodge of the ego as it resists dissoulution in the All." Starhawk

I know that my body is not a place to carry out my war on the world or my family. It is not the ground for my struggle with any opposing force. I have been through the therapy and know these things rationally but it is difficult to apply rationality in daily life. As a human I am not just a rational being but an emotional being as well and right now my emotions are just crazy. Life is just crazy and I have really been struggling. I am trying to look for the things and reasons for to get better and stay in recovery. Currently ED is very loud and resistant to leaving me alone. I have seen my doctor twice in two weeks. I see her again in a week. My weight has been stable for the past two weeks. My vitals are beginning to be affected. I know I can't keep going on like this but Can't seem to stop either. 

My doctor describes ED as a chronic disease which it is. I will have to live with this constantly and struggle with it. This knowledge makes me feel so hopeless about the whole thing. I don't want to be constantly battling my eating disorder. I don't want to have the comments constantly running through my head. I don't want to be thinking about calories, exercise, food portions and weight all the time. I spend too much time focused on numbers but I want to be more than just a number. I want to be more than my eating disorder. But at times I forget this or don't believe that it is really what I want. ED gets in my head and tricks me. I have a hard time distinguishing between myself and him. He convinces me that he knows best but I know he is wrong, so why does that not make ignoring him easier? The worst thing is that I know logically that it is bad and wrong but I keep using behaviors that will kill me if I do not stop. I do not know how to deal with this. I love my friends, family and boyfriend and do not want to cause them pain but I cannot explain what it's like to them. They will never understand, ever. They cannot understand unless they have been through it. They don't know how to support me in recovery and I don't know how to get support from them because I don't know how to make things better. 

I have a hard time remembering what it was like before ED. I don't remember that child-like wonder and self-love. It seems to me that I have always hated my body and been filled with self-hatred. I guess the depression started before the eating and the depression reduced my intake then I started losing weight and loved it. Right now I'm not losing weight and I don't like it. I want to be skinny. People tell me I am skinny but I have so much trouble believing them. I wonder what is wrong with me and just become more depressed. The problem right now is I don't know how deep I am in which probably means that I am in too deep and need to get out and will need help to get out. But I don't know if I want that help. I am acting like I do to my treatment team but I am just so filled with doubt. I find myself doubting everything. Yet if I continue I will lose everything. and I don't want that. I just want to be beautiful. That is partly how this started but now I don't know how to finish it but it may finish me. 

I don't want to die but I know that if I don't start getting better I will end up permanently damaging my body. I do not want this to happen, though it may already have happened. I need to work to find the motivation to get better. This seems so wrong that I have to work to eat and find the motivation to eat. Eating should be something that is natural. What happened to the world that this has become such a major problem? How did this happen? Life used to be so simple and now every day is a major struggle. I don't understand how this has gotten so bad. All I know is that ignoring ED seems impossible.

I Can't Fight This Feeling

I cannot fight this anymore. I am really struggling. I feel so guilty when I eat anything. I take every opportunity to go to the gym. I feel like I'm a total failure and completely worthless. I am depressed and cry myself to sleep most nights. ED's voice is in my head all the time and I cannot shut him out or shut him up. This was the case even in recovery so once again I believe him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I am tired, so tired, all the time. I just want to give in and give up. All I want to do is curl up in my room and hide but I cannot do this for obvious reasons. I am sure that part of the problem is it's finals and I have a lot to do but this was bad before that. I cannot say that it came back when my friend attempted suicide because I was struggling before that. I was struggling on and off even before school started. Honestly part of it I think was the realization that I had been in recovery for three years this summer and that freaked me out. I don't know if that is the sole or main cause or factor but I know that I am not doing well and I don't want to admit it. I don't want to say that it is a problem. I do not have the time to have an eating disorder that needs treatment right now. I just don't. I have too much going on in my life to take the time to stop and get help for this. I have goals that do not include treatment. Writing this and reading it sounds crazy and my rational side can argue and say that those goals are the very reason that I need to get help but my mind is not rational right now. I am not myself. ED has just completely taken over and I am torn between wanting to get better and wanting to get worse. I know that as an adult I cannot be forced into treatment. I know that I have to finish this semester. I know that I have friends and family who love me and are worried. I know my boyfriend is in a lot of pain because I am not eating right. Yet none of it matters to me. All that matters is the anxiety I have about eating food. The fear of gaining weight. The belief that I am too fat. The need to lose weight and deny my needs. I am so scared of myself, of ED, of others, of what I am willing to put myself through. The self-hatred that I carry is huge and it scares me. I know that I am in a lot of pain right now and I don't know why or how to deal with it but ED does. ED is giving me the answers right now and I am listening because I am weak and scared. I know that I need to stop listening, stand up for myself and figure out what is going on but that is scarier than ED and I don't know if I have the strength right now. I am overwhelmed. I know what to do but I don't know how to do it.

Making Plans and Checking them Thrice

Okay, sorry for the cheesy title it just came out. Things are starting to get better. I'm having lunch and breakfast and dinner and following my meal plan almost completely. This weekend I head back to school and I'm trying to plan ahead for support down there. I know that I can see my therapist at school 15 times a year. I really like her but if I start to relapse or slip I think I may need to see someone more often than that so I have started doing research on therapists in the area. I really want to find the right therapist. I have had soooo many in the past 6 to 7 years and I have only liked my current therapist. I know that it is important to find the right person.  I have been researching and sending out emails. I really want to do this right. I want to have backup if things go badly. I know that it will be really stressful. I'm only taking 4 classes, as of now, but I'm working and I have an independent study project I'm doing with my psychology adviser. I am also getting involved with more clubs and organizations. I really want to make the most of this experience because it only happens once. Life is crazy at school and I want to have someone I can go to if I need to. I know I have friends who are here to support me but I've had some really bad experiences with friends at college in the past so I really want to have a therapist I can go to. Now I just have to talk with the parents so I can get permission to see someone.

I really want to have a good year and I'm really scared that ED will mess this up. I had a really bad semester in the spring after a bad semester in the fall. Last year I had two sets of friends dump me and I now I'm scared to make friends because I don't want them to do the same. I spent weeks depressed because I had no one to talk to make friends. The friends I have now are going abroad in the spring. I guess I will stick to my groups. There are some great people there but one of the friends who is no longer a friend is in one of my favorite clubs. I am not going to let her keep me from it though. I am going to get through this. I will have a good year and I will enjoy it. I am not going to let last year stop me from having fun and meeting new people. I'm going to do this. I am going to do the best that I can.

"The key to change ... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash

"There are two mistakes along the road to truth ... not going all the way, and not starting." -Buddha

Getting Better, Slowly

Slowly working my way back. Some days are better than others but slowly. I had lunch today. Which is good I guess. I feel really guilty about it plus I had a piece of pizza for dinner. Dan took me out to dinner and he made sure that I knew that it was ED and not reality. I am trying to remember I am not ED and ED is not me. I am very tired. I just want it all to go away/

Pains and Anxieties

Two trips to the ER in one week. Chest and abdominal pain for one and lethargy for two. The second trip resulted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. I'm not sure what caused the anxiety. Life has been crazy. With everything going on ED has been really active and trying to get me back. Hopelessness and fear have returned and I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this. My family is not being all that supportive. I guess it makes sense because of the stress at home but when I'm with my boyfriend things are great and I was with him when it happened. Although when I am with him I let myself feel my emotions and my walls come down so that could be why it happened. Everything just seems so complicated and crazy. I wish it would all go away and my body would be okay. I'm really scared and just want to be okay. My self-harm is also trying to come back but I know why this time. I know it's because of the stress of my medical/emotional state. I know it's because I'm home with my family and stressed out. So now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this.

Well a good first step would be to stop questioning the diagnosis for the chest/abdominal pain because that will only make me go crazier. Then I need to work on how to relax and practice some deep breathing. Now that I have my stitches out I can start doing some light exercising and basic yoga which should help a lot. Then I need to work on recognizing my emotions and dealing with them in the moment so they do not build up and manifest in physical ways. When I go back to school I need to start seeing a therapist again. It is good that I am not overloading myself at school. Life will get better. I have to believe that.

ED's Gifts To Me

ED has brought many things into my life. He has made my life a living hell. He has given me anxiety. He has taken years of my life. He has set me up for constant failure with his demands of perfection. He has worked to manipulate my relationship with food, weight and exercise. He has disrupted my body's balance and more. He took me from my family and friends. He ruined my junior year of high school and my transcript. And now that I am in recovery he is still haunts me and tries to ruin my life.

I am not talking about the constant reminders that he is there. I am talking about the possible long term effects of ED. I have been having chest pains for over a year now and recently it's been getting worse. This summer I have seen all manner of doctors, been to the ER and they have found nothing. It is frustrating not knowing what is going on and not having any answers, any clue about what is wrong. It almost feels like another method of trying to get me to return to him. And I almost feel like doing it.

Not knowing why I am having this pain or what is going on is not only frustrating but scary as well. Not knowing anything has brought up feelings of hopelessness and ED is once again offering his help. He is calling to me, saying that he can help. If I just focus on food, cut down my intake, exercise, I can feel better, he will help me to feel better. But I know, even though I am scared, frustrated and feeling hopeless, returning to ED would only make things worse. I cannot go back to him but more importantly I will not go back. I will stand up to him. I will deal with it and I will emerge stronger for it. I do not want anything more from ED. He has given and taken enough. I am not ED and he is not me. I will not be fooled again. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Am I?

Who am I without ED?

I have asked this question many times and I don't really know how to answer it - or maybe I am afraid to answer it. For years I have allowed ED to define me, wanted to be defined as ED. It is scary to think of this question. For so long all I had was ED. He was my constant companion. He was always there for me. I could turn to him when I felt overwhelmed, unhappy, depressed, alone, scared, angry, etc. and without him I often feel lost. At times I run back to him, clinging on to the known but now my eyes have been opened; I know what comes with ED - fear, hurt, illness, weakness, shadows, emptiness, death. So what does this leave me? Who is this person left in ED's absence?

Well, there are many ways to describe me but does that really say who I am? I am Anna Elizabeth Smith. I am a daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin, lover, girlfriend. I am a student. I am a pagan/wiccan. I am a MoHo. I am an alumna. I am a Leo. A cat lover. A reader. A writer. A poet. A fighter. A woman. A human. A Vermonter. A former Catholic and Catholic school girl. I am all these things but does that say who I really am? Am I more than this? How am I defined? Can I be defined? Is it a question of who I am or who I want to be? These questions challenge me each day. I used to be able to answer the question, who am I quite easily, I was ED but now I can be so much more and am so much more. Even if I cannot put words to it I know that I am more than my eating disorder and even when ED tries to walk back through that door I know that I am capable of more than being just ED.

Who am I? I am who I am. I am a human being in flux. There is no one definition for who I am. I can be defined by my actions, by my characteristics, by my relationships, by my place in society but I am so much more than all of those things. I am a living, breathing force. I am a free spirit in a body in the image of my Goddess granted the gift of life. My body, my life is holy and precious and I will not allow anyone to crush that or taint this gift. I have been given a chance to make a difference in this world and I would be foolish to give that up. ED will not weigh me down with his bullshit. He will not extinguish my light and life. I will not give him that chance. I see him for what he really is and I am stronger than him. I see him for the weakling he is preying on humanity and luring innocent and wonderful people into his abusive relationship, a relationship that if unstopped will result in death. I will not let him take me because I have learned one thing about who I am if nothing else. ED has taught me that I am strong, stronger than he reckoned because I fought him and I will fight him every day that I live and each day I grow stronger for the fight. So I may not know who I am in my entirety but I know enough and each day I have the opportunity to learn more.

Trust

Trust n. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is such a difficult thing. It requires faith, faith in a person or thing, faith that that person has your best interests at heart, faith that you can rely on that person or thing no matter what. In some ways I am a very trusting person, yet that has changed over time as everything does.

When I was a kid I had that kid's sense of wonder, faith and trust in all and everything. I knew that everything and everyone was trustworthy and I had nothing to fear. That changed as I got older. I slowly realized that depending on my parents, not the best idea. My friends I could always trust. Eventually I just stopped trusting people in general. It was around this time that I started finding my trust placed elsewhere, specifically my eating disorder.

My eating disorder offered me an escape. It offered me a safe place, someone I could trust. I put my faith in ED and everything was great. That is until my health and weight went dangerously downhill. And so it was that once again I had placed my trust in someone and again been betrayed. So now I am again learning to trust.

I am learning to trust myself, trust my instincts. I am learning to explore to overcome my fears by facing them. I always loved a challenge when I was younger and I am learning to find joy in the challenge once again. Most importantly I have found someone I trust who is helping me explore and helps me see when ED is trying to may a comeback. It feels so good to be able to place my trust in someone whom I know cares about me again. I love learning to let someone in, let someone see the real me. I want to stay like this. I want to get back to my life. I want to live my life without ED and I am on my journey to do so.