Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

Imbolc, Purification and Re-Dedication

To those who do not know, I am pagan and tonight at our pagan/wiccan collective meeting we celebrated one of our sabbaths a day early, Imbolc. It is a time of cleansing, purifying and dedicating oneself. As I have been struggling through the past few (or more than a few) months I have been uncertain of my desire for recovery. I have become so entrenched in ED/Ana that I could not see where I ended and they began. With the reality check of the possibility of needing treatment and the realization that this could not be done while working part time and remaining a full-time student I have had to confront this demon head on. Over the break my doctor and I made plans for when I would come back to school that were delayed due to the fact that during our J-term, a time which has traditionally been a time to take fun classes, non-academic classes and such, our health center was closed. This provided the perfect opportunity for ED/Ana to step into overdrive. And so I found myself at the health center meeting with my doctor who was talking treatment ideas and the possibility of doing IOP. Still reality did not fully hit me until yesterday when I had my first appointment with a nutritionist since the beginning of college almost three years ago. Reality dropped on me last night and after a few panic attacks I was still unsure of how this was going to go. I knew what I had to do, I know what I have to do, but was still uncertain that it could be done. Well tonight the night before Imbolc I am cleaning out my head and dedicating myself to recovery.

"I will give myself the chance, the choice to live. I will give my body a voice, the words to speak its needs and take the time to listen. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to being with another but will make my boundaries known. I will allow myself to need and to satisfy those needs. I will be present in my body without judgment or critique. I will be seen, heard. I will give myself permission to exist, take up space and have a presence."

These are the words I wrote during out ritual and with these words I dedicate myself to recovery. I say good-bye to the demon that has made my life hell, turned me into a liar and taken over so much of my time and energy. I will not allow myself to suffer at its hands anymore. I may slip up. I may have bad days. I will make mistakes but that comes with being human. I will not allow a slip up turn into an excuse to go backwards. I am done starving myself to death. I do not want that life because it isn't a life. I have goals, plans, things I want to do, passions I want to pursue. None of this can be done with ED/Ana in my life. I am ready, I think, to embrace life again. I will start by doing all I can to follow my meal plan. Whatever it takes I need to do because there is too much at stake to allow room for failure. Failure happens only when you give up the fight and I WILL NOT stop fighting. I can't, my life is at stake and there are people who love me and care about me whom I cannot let down. I am a stubborn person, one way or another I will find a way to follow the path of recovery and take my life back.