Meal Plan 06/30/11

Breakfast:

Cereal w/milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Lunch:

Cereal w/milk+

1 Starch, 1 Fat, 1 Dairy Protein

Dinner:

Scallops w/pasta

Salad w/dressing

3 Protein, 2 Starch, 2 Fat, 1 Veg

Meal Plan 06/29/11

Breakfast:

Cereal w/milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Lunch:

yogurt w/granola

Carrot w/hummus

2 Fat, 1 Starch, 1 Veg, 1 Dairy Protein

Dinner:

Greek Yogurt w/Granola

Salad w/dressing

3 Protein, 2 Fat, 1 Starch, 1 Veg

Meal Plan 06/28/11

Breakfast:

Yogurt

Granola

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat

Lunch:

Swish Chard

1 Vegetable

Snack:

Cereal w/milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Dinner:

Fried Potatoes

Pork Chop

Salad w/dressing

3 Protein, 2 Starch, 1 Fat, 1 Vegetable

Struggling Thoughts

I don't know what to do. I've been trying really hard not to give in but I can't help it. I don't know if I can fight it anymore and I'm not sure I want to. I miss ED and I kind of want him back. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and scared. I just feel like giving up sometimes. Lying in my bed at night thoughts come to me and more and more the wish to just die comes. I fight it but sometimes I just feel so hopeless and other times I feel hope that I can go back to ED. I am torn and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell anyone but I might need help. I don't want to my family to know. I am so scared. I know that I need help but I can't let my parents know. I just can't. I'm also having more chest pain. More frequently though not lasting as long. I just want everything to be over.

Meal Plan 06/27/11

Breakfast:

Cereal w/milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Snack:

Cereal w/milk and almonds

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat

Lunch:

Yogurt

Granola

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat

Dinner:

Chicken

Mashed Potatoes

Salad w/dressing

Swish Chard

3 Protein, 2 Vegetable, 1 Fat, 1 Starch

Getting Back

I almost completely followed my meal plan today!!! It wasn't easy and I feel like crap but it's a step. I really have to thank Dan for it. He has been amazing as I've been struggling. He has tried to help me stay positive and been so supportive. I don't think I'd where I am today if it wasn't for him. I am learning slowly how to deal with this. I love him so much. I want to be rid of ED and Dan is helping me do this. I am going to do this. I will do this.

Meal Plan06/24/11

Breakfast:

Cereal w/Milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Snack:

Yogurt

Granola

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Lunch:

2 Scrambled Eggs

Toast w/butter

2 Protein, 1 Starch, 1 Fat

Dinner:

Cod

Potato

Broccoli

2 Protein, 1 Starch, 1 Vegetable

Snack:

Strawberry

1 Fruit

Total: 4 Starch, 4 Protein, 2 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat, 1 Strawberry

Music and Gaining

I just finished an extremely wonderful book called Gaining: The Truth about Life after Eating Disorders that was amazingly helpful. Written by Amie Lee it discusses many possible causes of EDs as well as ways that recovering/recovered women deal with the urges, thoughts and other ED related things and incorporate these personality traits into a health life. It was amazing. I am doing better than yesterday but I'm still struggling a bit. Finishing the book really helped though and gives me hope that I can do this. I want to close by posting a song that I listen to when I'm struggling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I

Meal Plan 06/23/11

Breakfast:

Cereal w/milk

1 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein

Snack:

Yogurt w/Granola

1 Dairy Protein, 1 Starch, 1 Fat

Lunch:

2 Scrambled eggs

Toast w/ butter

2 Protein, 1 Fat, 1 Starch

Snack:

Strawberries

Dinner:

Tofu and Broccoli Stir Fry

Pasta

2 Starch, 2 Protein, 1 Vegetable, 2 Fat

Total: 1 Fruit, 1 Vegetable, 2 Dairy Protein, 3 Fat, 4 Protein, 5 Starch

Doctor's Visit

I went to my doctor's today because I've been having chest pain. While there I had my normal weight check and it was the first time in years the nurse did not know not to let me see my weight. So in a moment of weakness in recovery I looked. 125.8!!!!!! Okay so I was not expecting that. I am freaking out. ED of course immediately stepped up and started screaming. Now I can't get him to shut up. I told my boyfriend and some friends and they are trying to be supportive. However I just want to lose 5-10lbs but I know what that can lead to. I am being careful but while a part of me is screaming 'let it go,' I can't and I know this is going to be a major roadblock in my recovery. I am still waiting to see how this plays out and I am very torn. While I have been told that I look great and healthy and happy I can't seem to get this number out of my head and it is scaring me. I know it is just a number but I can't remember the last time I weighed that much. Maybe it is a good thing I don't know. It could be water weight I tell myself but then this little voice whispers back what if it isn't and I start freaking out all over again. I know that normal people do not do this and I wish it didn't bother me so much but I can't seem to help it. I had been struggling before I went to the doctor's and now I just don't really care. Actually, now I kind of want to go back I want to be skinny. I just want to lose a little weight but I know where that will lead me but I don't know if I can stop. I don't know if I want to stop and I don't know where this will lead me. I have been doing pretty well for the past three years and the realization that I have been in recovery for three years has kind of freaked me out as well. It's like I'm losing my best friend, the one thing that has gotten me through so much. I'm losing an identity and I don't know how to deal with that. What happens when I am no longer the girl with the eating disorder? Already my family acts as if it never happened and that everything is fine and normal and things have gone backwards at home. I don't know what to do. I'm losing a part of myself that has protected me for years and I want it back. I don't want to be ignored and yet I do. I'm so confused and lost.

Today Is The Anniversary

Today is the three year anniversary of a major suicide attempt. I guess every suicide attempt is major but I say that meaning that this was the one I had planned and thought about ahead of time. While not eating for ten days would usually have the same effect I had been starving myself for a good two and a half years before that attempt and it was a combination ED moment and suicide attempt. But taking 50 aspirin pills, that was just a suicide attempt. Looking back I have to say that I have come a long way from the person I was three years ago downing those pills. I have grown a lot and done a lot of work to get myself to where I am today. I can't believe it. I won't say that there aren't some days that I might wish I hadn't woken up three years ago tomorrow, but it's not a constant thought. It's been a long three years and so much has happened. I've graduated from high school and gone off to college. I've been in a relationship that didn't last and am in a relationship that is amazing. I have gone to college parties and studied my ass off. And it's all been worth it. I have met some amazing people along the way as well as some not so amazing people. I have lost my virginity and truly loved someone and been loved back. I have made mistakes and learned to accept that. My relationship with my mother has not changed much but my brother and I are closer and my dad is happier. Who can say why I have been changed and blessed with these people and relationships but I believe that I have been changed for the better.

Craziness

Wow. It's been a few days since I've written and that isn't good. I've been crazy busy. I'm lucky that I got to see my dearest three days in a row this weekend. We went out to dinner with his work friends on Friday and ended up back at one of his friend's house for drinks. It was a lot of fun and I think that they like me. I really enjoyed myself and liked meeting new people. It was nice to meet his friends from work. Then Saturday we crashed the graduation party of my godparent's son. It was cool but kind of awkward. We spent a good bit of time there. While there I started having chest pains again which freaked me out though I tried not to show it and did so successfully except Dan saw and was also worried. After that we just hung out at his place which was nice and relaxing before we went to spend Father's Day with my Grammy and Grampy in St. J. It was a very busy weekend with a lot of stress. I'd like to say I survived it well but it was definitely a struggle. Things have been getting harder and harder. I don't know if this is as a result of the Renfrew Reunion or if that just released all these urges, struggles and other hidden thoughts and feelings. I'm thinking the latter. I never really got a chance to work on reducing the thoughts and urges. This is very difficult I know and I just don't know how do deal with it. I've been doing well but I feel like it is a superficial wellness that could crack, has cracked, at any time. Being back home has put me in the environment I developed my issues in. It has gotten better in some ways but worse in others. Everyday I'm terrified that I'm getting closer to falling backwards. Sometimes I can feel myself doing it. I guess that it is good that I can feel myself doing so because that means that I am still connected and outside my eating disorder and other issues that I can recognize when I'm slipping. I guess when I have to worry is when others say I'm slipping and I disagree but that would necessitate that others be aware that I'm struggling and see that I'm going backwards. Dan has been really good with keeping me on track and with him I don't want to lie or hide so I know that I can count on him but I don't know of anyone else I can rely on like that. I'm scared.

ED Wants Back In

ED is trying to take me come back. I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. After a bit my boyfriend talked me into it. I want to lose weight but I guess that's ED talking. I don't know exactly why this is happening. It could just be the stress of being home. I got into a huge fight with my brother which really sucked. I just don't know what to do some times but I'm not going back to ED. I am done hopefully.

Thoughts

"I want to lose weight." I don't know why the thought enters my head tonight. Maybe it's the long day at Women Helping, maybe I'm just tired and vulnerable. I've been struggling a lot recently and I am really tempted to go back to behaviors. I have resisted although I've noticed that I have reduced my starches a little. It's hard being home. Plus I can't find a job so that makes life more difficult. I am trying to stay strong but I'm not sure.

Meal Plan 06/15/11

Breakfast:

2 Bowls of Cereal w/Milk

Cream

2 Starch, 1 Dairy Protein, 2 Fat, 3 Protein

Lunch:

Whey Protein

V8

Grapes

Rice

3 Protein, 2 Starch, 2 Veg, 1 Fruit

Dinner:

Soup

Moo Sho Chicken

Beef w/Broccoli

3 Protein, 3 Fat, 1 Starch, 1 Veg

Snack:

Strawberries

1 Fruit

Meal Plan 06/14/11

Breakfast:

2 bowls of Wheaties w/Milk

Cream

2 Starch, 2 Fat, 2 Dairy Protein

Lunch:

Pork Chop

Rice

3 Protein, 2 Starch

Snack:

Strawberries

Grapes

2 Fruit

Dinner:

Goulash

Salad w/Dressing

Broccoli

Soy Milk

1 Starch, 1 Fat, 3 Protein, 2 Vegetable, 1 Dairy Protein

Total: 5 Starch, 3 Fat, 3 Dairy Protein, 6 Protein, 2 Fruit, 2 Vegetable

Step 3

Now that I have accepted my Goddess into my life I have accepted that She is in charge of my life. When I have a problem I face She is with me. When I am doing well, She is there with me making me stronger and able to get through. I have placed my life in the care of my Goddess knowing that she will guide me, love me, and take care of me.

Step 2

I believe in a higher power. As a pagan/wiccan I am hesitant to define "higher power" broadly as I believe that there is a greater power out there but that it can be different for different people. I know it's very confusing. To me, my higher power takes the form of a woman. I lean more toward the wiccan definitions of the Goddess as Maiden, Mother and Crone. Without Her I know that I would not be here. My higher power has gotten me through the past 6 years of my life. Though I have come very close to killing myself, inadvertently and purposefully, She has kept me alive through thick and thin to use the cliche. She has seen me through and has brought sanity, safety, comfort, love and life back to my life.

Step 1

I am powerless over ED and self-harm. For years both have ruled my life. I have been in recovery from both for three years and it has taken three years for me to be able to confidently and firmly believe this. I still struggle with both. I have found that when I have wrestled one to the ground the other becomes much stronger and takes over. I admit that I need help and I have gotten help but it is not over. I have gone on now for one or two years thinking that I do not need help anymore but I see now that I do. Life throws things at me, and at everyone I know, and I just cannot work through it alone. I have never really been alone but I know now that I need to ask for help and accept it when it is offered. My life was a mess when I first went into treatment in 2008 and it remained that way until the end of 2008 after three inpatient ED treatments and two psychiatric unit stays. I am working to take back my life and become happy again.

Trying Something New

The 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable(you can replace alcohol with addiction, gambling ect...) Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Meal Plan 06/13/11

Breakfast:

Wheaties

Soy Milk

Cream

1 Fat, 1 Dairy, 1 Starch

Lunch:

2 scrambled eggs

Toast w/butter

Yogurt w/granola

2 Protein, 2 Starch, 2 Fat

Snack:

Strawberries

Crackers and Smoked Salmon

Juice

2 Fruit, 1 Starch, 1 Protein

Dinner:

Pork Chop

Chocolate Soy Milk

Rice

Salad w/dressing

Broccoli

2 Starch, 3 Protein, 1 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat, 2 Vegetable

Total: 6 Protein, 3 Dairy Protein, 2 Vegetable, 2 Fruit, 5 Fat, 6 Starch

A New Start

I have been in recovery from an Eating Disorder and self-harm for three years now. I have had my ups and downs since then. I recently went back to my first and third treatment center for the Reunion and while I was there I came up with the idea for this blog. I have written on different places before but I want to become more dedicated to my recovery and use this as one of my tools. This is meant to be a place where I can reflect and work towards a better life. Looking in a mirror provides a new view, a different way of looking at things and that is what this is.