Doctor's Visit

I went to my doctor's today because I've been having chest pain. While there I had my normal weight check and it was the first time in years the nurse did not know not to let me see my weight. So in a moment of weakness in recovery I looked. 125.8!!!!!! Okay so I was not expecting that. I am freaking out. ED of course immediately stepped up and started screaming. Now I can't get him to shut up. I told my boyfriend and some friends and they are trying to be supportive. However I just want to lose 5-10lbs but I know what that can lead to. I am being careful but while a part of me is screaming 'let it go,' I can't and I know this is going to be a major roadblock in my recovery. I am still waiting to see how this plays out and I am very torn. While I have been told that I look great and healthy and happy I can't seem to get this number out of my head and it is scaring me. I know it is just a number but I can't remember the last time I weighed that much. Maybe it is a good thing I don't know. It could be water weight I tell myself but then this little voice whispers back what if it isn't and I start freaking out all over again. I know that normal people do not do this and I wish it didn't bother me so much but I can't seem to help it. I had been struggling before I went to the doctor's and now I just don't really care. Actually, now I kind of want to go back I want to be skinny. I just want to lose a little weight but I know where that will lead me but I don't know if I can stop. I don't know if I want to stop and I don't know where this will lead me. I have been doing pretty well for the past three years and the realization that I have been in recovery for three years has kind of freaked me out as well. It's like I'm losing my best friend, the one thing that has gotten me through so much. I'm losing an identity and I don't know how to deal with that. What happens when I am no longer the girl with the eating disorder? Already my family acts as if it never happened and that everything is fine and normal and things have gone backwards at home. I don't know what to do. I'm losing a part of myself that has protected me for years and I want it back. I don't want to be ignored and yet I do. I'm so confused and lost.