At War

Ugh. So I realize I have been away for a long time. I've been very busy with various things and as there are only a few more weeks in the semester continue to be so. However I am also fighting the everlasting battle. I am really struggling. I don't know what to do. I know I need to eat but I am still having trouble keeping food down. Yeah it may just be in my mind but I don't know how to control it. Also I'm scared of food and eating. I hate myself for eating and feel like a total failure. I don't know my weight but I know that I was on a downward trend for over a month or so that has just barely started to turn around and that's scaring me too. I don't want to gain weight. ED wants me to lose weight and not eat. I hate going out in the cold to get food but I am always hungry, something I hate to admit. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cannot stand being in my body and I feel like I'm trapped with no way of doing anything. I just want to be free. I want to be free of the oppressive guilt I have every time I take a bit of something.

Gonna Try

Today I really came to the understanding that I need to make so major life changes. Yes I have know this before but I have been feeling myself slipping backwards again. I know that I cannot let things get bad again. I need to really focus on making TRUE friends. I have had a lot of difficulty with this lately. College has not been my friend in this area of my life. I feel lonely and disconnected. I am going to see about changing rooms so that I can live in a dorm with at least one good friend. This will hopefully encourage me not to isolate so much. I want to focus on school and work but also on having a life. I see people I used to be friends with all around campus and I see that they are spending time with people and I want that. I admit I am jealous of them. I don't really have a social life here and that just keeps me going down the path of loneliness, hopelessness and despair. I am crazy busy with work and things but I also need friends I can rely on for support. I am hoping to find this. I am going to really try to stabilize my life. I am making that commitment to myself.

Back to School

Well I am back at school and moved in to my room. I have had two days of classes and I am still alive. I made it through this summer at home. Being back has its pluses and minuses. I love my school but it can get stressful and there is less accountability with no one around to see that I am eating and not abusing the gym. So of course ED would decide that this is a good time to try to make a reappearance. The thoughts, feelings and urges have increased of course and I am finding it harder to ignore them and stay focused or distract myself. Having been back less than a week I am proud that I have yet to hit the gym. I have been cutting back on my meal plan and am making an effort to get back to where I need to be with that. This is my senior year and I am not going to let ED ruin this for me. I am going to have fun and enjoy my last year here, ED be damned. This is my life. I do not want to be struggling just to stay awake and survive. I cannot let ED control my life like he has in the past. I want to make every moment I have left at college count. I want to be functional. I am scared that things may get out of control and ED feeds on that fear. He feeds on my emotions saying that he knows how to deal with them. I know that he is wrong. I know there is going to be a lot of pressure and I am already freaking out about not having a job when I graduate in the spring. I have to stay in the moment or this fear will run wild and I will turn to ED for help and control. I need to accept that right now the future is uncertain but I know that I can and will finish my college career at the end of this academic year. Nothing is going to hold me back. I know that my determination can keep me going even if ED gets in the way but I do not want to be running on strength of will alone. I do not want to isolate myself the way I did last year. I do not want to feel so alone and little and scared. I do not want to see the hurt and disappointment in the eyes of my boyfriend and others I love should I relapse. I do not want to go through that pain again. It is hard walking around campus and seeing all the girls who are anorexically skinny. It is painful being jealous of them. I don't want to be but I can't help it. I do not want to walk around comparing myself to everyone I pass, judging who is skinnier and who is not. I am afraid to go to the gym because I know how much time I spent there and how much time and energy I wasted there last year but I am also scared of not going and getting fat. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach and the emotions that wash over me every time I bring food to my mouth. I hate the constant constant fear of everything. If I could only live without the fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I used to be the biggest liar on the earth. Now it seems I am afraid of everything, even things I know I don't have to be afraid of. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier if I just never existed but I know that is not the answer and that that would be the coward's way out. I know that I am a fighter but fighting something within myself is the hardest battle I have ever been in and I hate it. I hate that I hate myself and my body. I hate that I ever opened the door that let ED into my life. I cannot change that now. I have to live with it. I just want to be able to move on but I know that I will carry ED in some part of me for the rest of my life. The only thing to do is to figure out how to lock him up and keep him away from me.

Oh who am I and where will I go????????

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” 
― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” 
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

“we accept the love we think we deserve.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

My mind feels like it is going everywhere at once. There is no one thread that links my thoughts. I am here and there. I am tired and exhilarated at the same time. I am everything and nothing. I want to be happy and healthy and whole but I feel broken into tiny pieces and I don't even know if they are all there to put me back together again. I guess for me this is part of the process of recovery. I know that ED/Ana broke down and apart the person that I was. I do not even know who that person was. I do not fully know who I AM and for someone who likes to be in control of things, that is a scary feeling. I know that I can decide who I am and who I choose to be but I am a very indecisive person. With ED/Ana I knew exactly what I did and who I was. I was the girl who did not eat, who went to the gym for at least an hour, more often an hour and a half. I was the girl who stood on the scale multiple times a day. I was the girl with the incredible self-control. I was the girl who was envious of everyone around me. I was the girl who was here but was not really here. I was the girl who was terrified of her own shadow and so sought to make that shadow disappear. There was certainty with ED/Ana, a clear and definite path. Now I have hips. I have breasts. I take up space. I am messy and dealing with messy emotions. I have thighs. I have power and a voice. I have a body. But I do not have a set path anymore. I do not have the clear rules. I do not have the defined categories. I feel like my life is unraveling but in reality, it is just beginning.

I am no longer chained to death. I have free will. I have choice. I have a chance at life. I can be free of fear of food. I still feel that pull towards that old path but I know I don't have to go down it. Instead, I CHOOSE to go to school, to take classes and throw myself into my course work and my job and my friendships and relationship with my boyfriend, to in essence throw myself into life. I am getting ready to go back to school and this will be a new beginning, a chance to make the most of my final year at school. I don't want to waste time on ED/Ana. I am going to choose health, happiness and recovery.

Finding My Voice

Life is hard enough without having any disorder. There are always unexpected challenges and things thrown at you that you have to deal with. Being diagnosed with any ED means that you have to constantly be aware of what is going on, not just around you, but also within you. ED has a nasty way of sneaking back into people's lives. After so many years of hearing that voice it is so easy to slip into the ED mindset without realizing it. Being about a month and a half out of residential treatment I am still struggling a lot with the feelings and thoughts surrounding food and body. I still feel guilty any time something goes into my body. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate taking showers because I hate having to look at my body. It is really hard to fight that critical voice in my head and I will admit that at times I don't even bother trying because I am just so tired. However this does not mean that I have given up, it just means that I don't win every battle. It does not mean that I am relapsing, it just means that I am human. I am learning to accept the defeats along with the wins and know that each time ED scores there is something to learn and I can take pride in the wins even more. Recovery is not a linear process. I know this but knowing and believing and experiencing something are completely different. When I get knocked down I know how important it is that I do not stay down. I am learning to keep getting back up. Being at home is really hard as many people who know me know and acknowledge. My mother is not the healthiest person in the world and is very difficult to be around and even harder to be healthy around. I have to take the fact that my weight has remained stable (even if at times I don't necessarily want it to be) as a sign that I am stronger than she. I am not lying down and taking her bullshit anymore. I have learned to use my voice rather than my eating disorder and even if that gets me in trouble with her at times, it is SOOOO worth it. I don't have to starve myself to get my point across. Speaking up is another choice. Knowing that I am going back to school is helpful despite the fact that I have reservations about that as well. I understand myself so much more now that I have had the experience of living away from home. Being in a different environment has allowed me to see just how unhealthy the one I came from is. I am able to take what I have learned and experienced now and use it as a reality check. I do not have to react the way she wants me to anymore. I do not have to take the bait. I can remain calm and hold my ground. Not that I am successful in doing this every time but my eating disorder is no longer the means by which I communicate.

The Reality of an Eating Disorder

Having left treatment at a healthy weight and being on a maintenance meal plan I sometimes, okay maybe more like daily, find myself thinking back to the body I had before treatment and where I was headed with ED. Idolizing that body is unhealthy and sick, I know, yet I can't help doing it. My brain is constantly comparing where I am in terms of weight and shape and size now and pre-treatment. When I see people on the street or anywhere who are skinnier than I am (or skinnier than I perceive myself as being which, face it, is most people) I get really jealous. When I see someone who is clearly unhealthy and anorexic I envy them. "It's not fair," ED says, "that person gets to be thin and bony while you have to be fat and ugly. I wish I could be like that. You really don't need to eat. You can restrict. Just cut out one item or food group a day and you too can look like that. Just a few pounds wouldn't hurt, right?" WRONG! A part of me sees the "WARNING. DANGER DANGER DANGER" signs going off. But ED always has an argument prepared to counter my rational self: It really wasn't that bad. My vital signs were still good. My blood work wasn't really off. I could still function. I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's not like restricting is dangerous. If I eat just enough to keep me going, that's fine. Hey, food isn't really that important. You've done it before. It won't kill you. Your team is just lying and wants you to get fat. I know what's best for you. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGHT. So, I figured it's time for a reality check. So ED what really happens when I get back together with you???

Well, for one it is that bad. Not eating deprives my body of energy and nutrients that it needs to function. The logic center of my brain shuts down. I get flighty and fidgety. I can't concentrate. I can't think. My skin get dry. My hair gets dry and falls out. I am constipated. I am tired and exhausted. I am sad and depressed all the time and I cry all the time. I worry friends and family. I lose friends because they can't stand to see me like that. I get dizzy really easily. Eventually my vital signs and blood work will not be okay. I am cold all the time. My grades drop. My teachers worry. I risk passing out. I am slow and sluggish. I am tired all the time and in pain. I am damaging my organs and my body. I am alone because I isolate. I shut off feelings as much as possible. I have no life outside of thinking about food and calories and weight. I am scared and anxious all the time. I feel immense guilt over everything. I hate myself and my life. I hate my body. I am lonely. I risk getting kicked out of school or maybe losing a job. I am irresponsible and selfish. I don't care about anything. I want to just die and as I am killing myself slowly, I eventually will die. This is not the glamorous image that ED puts in my head when he tries to get me to come back to him. This is not what I immediately think of when I think of going back to him. However, this is the reality and if I remind myself of this I will remember why I am working on recovery, why following my meal plan and listening to my team is so important. So ED, fuck off. You are not wanted. That is not the life I want for myself. Get lost. 

Therapy Assignment-Home

Home. For some people saying that word instantly elicits the image of a house and family from childhood. For me that is not so. When I think of "home" my mind draws a blank. I may refer to the house my parents live in as "home" but it does not feel like home to me. The well-known saying says that home is where the heart is. Well my heart does not really lie  in a physical location but with the ones I love. In some ways Mount Holyoke is my home, a temporary home for only four years but it has traits I would want in a home. I get excited to got back there and there are places where I feel safe. That is my biggest problem living in my parents' home-I do not have a space that is mine or a place where I feel really safe. I never really get to let down my guard and being on alert for anything keeps me on my feet and is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I want a space that has no associations to the yelling and screaming and fighting of my family. A place I was not teased and humiliated. I know that wherever I find a home there will be good and bad memories formed and attached to the place but I want a place where the good memories outweigh the bad and where love is the pulse of the place. So what is home for me?

Talking in therapy this week, at the end of my session the longing I have for a real home was brought up and my therapist suggested that I think about what I wanted in a home when I have the chance to make one. It is hard to think of what I want. I know that for me a home will include my boyfriend and eventually one or two kids. My home will have pets, more specifically cats. I want to always have a pet. This has been a topic of discussion for me and my boyfriend and we have agreed to start out with a hamster and then get a cat when we have proven that we can take care of a hamster and when we live in a place where we can have a cat or two. My home will be a loving place where arguments and disagreements will be worked out in a reasonable and mature way. It will be a place of warmth and happiness. It will be a place where it is okay to have emotions and show them. Anger will be acceptable so rage will not break through when too much anger is bottled up. Communication will happen and words will not be used as weapons. Respect will be given and received. Honesty will be the policy. Tears will be shared and not shed in secret or withheld. There will be no bullying of any kind and abuse will not exist in our vocabulary or actions. News will be shared and fun will be had. There will be time for work and time to relax. Guilt will not be used a motivation and shoulds will not be thrown about. Rules will be followed but they will not be cast in iron. Faith will be shared and discussed but not forced. Opinions will be listened to and debates will be allowed but beliefs will not be shoved down anyone's throat. Consequences will exist but as a way of learning from mistakes. It will be a place of growth and movement. A place of peace and joy. There may or may not be a garden but things will be tended to and maintained. It will be organized and comfortable and have a pleasant environment. I would like room for a friend or guest and visitors will be welcomed with open arms and good conversation. Food will be for nourishing the body and not used as reward or punishment and exercise will be done in moderation. What else there may be I do not know yet but the most important piece is that it will be a safe space and intolerance will not be tolerated. And it will ours.

Comfort Zone and Voice

I am a compilation of complex anomalies and paradoxes. I am private but I will open up with certain people a write a blog for anyone who wants to see it. I like food but I hate and fear it. I want to be sexy and attractive but I don't want to be seen as just my body and I don't like it when guys "check me out." I was raised Catholic but became pagan. I love nature but hate weeding though I love gardens. I am OCD but it comes in waves  between which I find myself surrounded by mess. I want to have adventure but I don't want to be out of my comfort zone.

Living with an active eating disorder is like living life as the perpetual answering machine. People send or leave messages and hope that they get heard. You act automatically and often with no tone of personality. You are generic and have just a very limited amount of memory before it becomes "filled," after that nothing gets through. You are meant to be connected and plugged into the world, an mean of communication, much like the body is meant as a means of communication. You filter out information and receive only a small chunk of it. Well I want to be more than an answering machine, more than an automated response. I want to go, not back but forward towards those complexities and anomalies. I want to be the complicated living organism that I am. I want to scream to the world that I WILL NOT STAY DOWN! I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANOTHERS DEFINITION OF BEAUTY OR WHO I AM! This is my life and I may not think or feel that I deserve better but I know that if I was talking to another person I would  say exactly that. It is time to start taking my own advice. It is time for me to try living outside that comfort zone. ED has shrunk my comfort zone to essentially nothing, which is why everything causes me anxiety. I know that it will be hard to step across that line and it has been hard pushing those boundaries that ED installed for me, but I also know that it will be worth it; it is worth it. I know where ED wants to and will lead me given the chance. I have been there and have absolutely no desire to go back there. My life is more valuable than that. I know that I need to set concrete goals for myself and hold myself to them. It may be that I don't meet some but that is another goal, learning to tolerate not accomplishing and completing everything I set out to do. I want to be able to make mistakes without feeling like a total failure. I want to get messy and be able to handle the messiness of life without turning to ED grasping at some form of control or punishment. The realization that food is not a reward or punishment seems so foreign to me. Food is just, well, food. It provides energy and I nourishment for my body. It keeps my brain and organ functioning. It is part of life and living. I do not need to shrink myself down to be heard. I do not need to try to make myself invisible because I feel invisible. I can use my voice. If others do not hear me, I can still use my voice rather than giving up and staying quiet. I have a right to my opinions and holding everything inside for fear of upsetting someone or hurting them does no one any good. I am not responsible for that actions or reactions of others. I can only be accountable for myself. I have learned this and it is one of the lessons I continue to learn everyday.

I am sorry

Listen to my words

Do you hear the screaming silence

Do you see the deep seeded pain

Could you ever understand how hard it is to take a stand

Look upon me with doubt and disbelief

Judge me and say I am weak

Can you look in my eyes and see my soul

Can you read my mind and hear my thoughts

The vast emptiness within hidden behind a mask

Trying to quiet the voices in my head, a deafening cacophony

Trying to keep this ocean from spilling out

Chaos in my mind shows in my actions

Trying to keep emotions light leads to destruction of the soul

Take my advice and run far away from me and my own

Pick up your world and move away

Find peace somewhere with my blessing

Do not fear for me for I will always be near

Should you have need of a friend

I will do my best to support and love you

But will stay away for your good

Protect you from the life I lead

Because I love you and want you safe and happy

I will leave with no word but those of regret

That I could not be what you needed, what you wanted

I will smile and walk away with tears falling and a heavy heart

But you will never know

How truly sorry I am

Meal Plan

It has not been easy but I am working my way back up to my meal plan. I am reincorporating the greatly feared "fats." My nutritionist gave me good advice when she said "let's not think of it in terms of 'you need x number of fats, but rather think of it as 'oh I need x amount of peanut butter/nutella/avocado...." This has been really helpful. The term "fats" is just such a scary word for me right now. The ingrained ED logic that fats will make me fat is still very prominent so instead I know I need to have a piece of cheese on my veggie burger or avocado in my salad. This is much easier to do. ED is a very tricky bastard but as all of us know, he is not the brightest and thus he can be tricked as well. Just because something is labeled at a fat or a carb, does not mean that you have to call it that. Giving something a new name or calling it something else takes away the word association that ED has created, thus making the thing less scary. I do not know why I did not think of this years ago because it is brilliant. I can be the trickster to ED. I recognize that tricking ED in the long run is not going to solve my problems but it will help me get back to my meal plan right now and as I recover the ever scary hunger signals and become used to and comfortable in my body I can return to the language. That said I'd like to know what genius (please not the sarcasm) decided that the term we use to call oils and things like that would be the same term we use to refer to people we see as overweight.

Th other thing that I have noticed that is really confusing me is when restricting I often include protein as a restricted item and I do not know why. I am sure there is something significant about that but I do not know what. It is not a "fear food" or anything that engenders anxiety yet protein does get cut out. This is something I might explore with my therapist or nutritionist so see why I might be doing it. Regardless I am going to get back on my meal plan and kick ED to the curb!!!

This is my time

So I have been struggling a lot lately. I have not been following my meal plan exactly and my mental state is not the best. I know that my boyfriend is worried and if I am being honest with myself I am worried as well. I am trying hard but my mind is not my ally right now. I know that I need to continue working on reframing but I'm getting lazy about this. Well, it's time to shape up and recharge because I know that if I let it go and ignore it I will just slowly end up back where I was and I have school coming up. It's my senior year and I do not want to spend it fighting with myself and destroying my body. I know that I am very uncomfortable in my body right now and that my eating disorder is telling my that I weigh too much and need to lose weight. Well, F you, ED! You are not in charge of me. I am not going to use you as a means of communication with my mother. I do not need to destroy my body as a way to tell her that something is wrong. I do not need to hate myself any more. I do not need to fear being a woman. I do not need to shrink myself to deal with life. You have served your purpose and I am done with you. Yes, you helped me cope in high school but I am an adult now and I do not live with my mother. I am my own person. I am responsible. I am a student. I am a learner. I am curious. I have a lot of different traits and I will NOT allow you to take that away from me. I will not let you steal my personality. I will not let you hold me back. I want to LIVE MY LIFE and I WILL! This is my time. I have an amazing boyfriend and go to a good school. I will be a graduate in a year and I hope to have a job. I will be a person and not a shell of a being walking through life with as much awareness as a zombie. I will not blindly follow my eating disorder. I will stand up for myself, both within myself and with other people. I AM ENOUGH!!

Recommitting myself to recovery

Okay. I haven't been doing well lately as I have written in past posts but tonight I really got hit with why I want to recover so badly. Yes it is hard and my motivation wavers and I will accept that that is part of the process. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of feeling disconnected and alone. I am sick of pushing the people I love most and care about most away. I want to have energy. I want to feel alive. I want to simply  feel. I know that feeling emotions is hard when I am home and that I often close down so that I don't have to feel but there are people I can be open and honest with and I want to do so. I am making a commitment to follow my meal plan exactly tomorrow. No cutting things out. I want to be healthy. 

Home?

Tonight I felt something that I have not felt in a long time. I felt fear, loneliness, lost, and homeless. Honest emotions, not related to my eating disorder or other issues. I caught myself wish that I could go home. Well the thing that made me sad was I am home, or what is supposed to be my home. Yet it does not feel like a safe place. It does not feel like a loving place. Yes we have laughs at times and we have fun sometimes but that is not the overall feeling of the place. No, it is full of tension and disagreement, anger and frustration. The controlling atmosphere is toxic. I feel myself going a little bit crazier every day and wanting to retreat further into myself. I see, understand completely why I am having so much trouble staying healthy here; it is not a healthy environment, not a loving environment. I try to get out of the house and distract myself, keep busy and not think about it but honestly, it does not help. While I still live here I will feel this way. I wonder how I will be able to come back here during school breaks. I feel trapped and suffocated. My defenses are constantly up. It feels unsafe to let emotions through. I keep trying and trying to fight these urges. I want to get better but it is so hard to do here. I just can't fight off everything. I just want to find peace and happiness and I can't do it here. I am overwhelmed and scared and I hate these feelings. These are feelings it has not been safe to share here for the longest time. I just don't know what to do for the rest of the summer. I can't let my eating disorder take over again, I know I can't. I don't want it to. I don't want to go back to treatment. I want to finish my last year of college. I want to get my degree and live on my own/with my boyfriend. I want to get married and have kids. I want a life. These are the things that I have to hold on to or I will lose myself in oblivion. 

Struggling

Okay, it's time to admit it to myself: I'm struggling. I am really, really struggling. I have already started to cut back on my meal plan. I know this is heading down a dangerous path. I know I am playing with fire. It is going to be so hard to get back up to my meal plan and I don't know how I will do it. I am so anxious about it. I just want to keep restricting and I desperately want to start exercising again. I wish I could engage in my behaviors without any consequences, but I know how it will go if I do. I have to find a way to get back on it. Every day is a new start, a fresh start. Tomorrow, I am doing to do my best to follow my meal plan and I am going to keep trying and trying and trying. I know it will be hard but I want to do this. I don't want to be torn all of the time. I don't want to be thinking about food and calories and exercise all of the time. I hate it. I hate it so much. I just want to be healthy. 

Letter to ED

Dear ED,
It is time to say good-bye. You have been there for me through a lot. You gave me a way to check out, to numb out, to ignore my feelings and helped me survive living at home. You gave me a way out. You gave me a sense of control and pride. When someone commented on how "great" I looked or asked me if I'd lost weight I felt so good and happy. You let me shift my focus from painful emotions onto food, numbers and weights. You were a coping mechanism. However, you betrayed me. You turned against me and used my weaknesses and insecurities against me. You made me miserable and increased feelings of guilt. You hurt me and starved me. You took away all control and consumed my time, my energy, my life. You isolated me and damaged my body. You made me cry all the time and wish I was dead. You abused me and left me begging for release. There was so much you kept me from but not anymore. I am taking my life back. I will struggle and may be convinced to come back but I am going to remain in the "self" and I do not need you anymore. I have other coping skills and, most importantly, I have my voice. You are no longer part of my life. I appreciate what you have done for me but it is time that you step aside and let me live my life.
                                                                                           ME

Reframed Thoughts

·      -   I am seeing myself through the filter of my ED and not as I am in reality

·         People say I am kind and nice

·       -  My ED makes me selfish and focus on myself and getting what I want

·         I was in the 15 of my class in high school and I got into MHC and maintain above a 3.0 GPA. If I was stupid I would not be able to do so.

·       -  The only person who is judging me is me.

·        - There are things I am grateful to be able to do with my body.

·         -I may not be able to love myself but there are many who love me.

·         -Every human being deserves a chance to be happy, healthy and have a life. I am not less worthy than others.

·         -No one deserves to be hurt or in pain, including me.

·         -I need food to live. It nourishes my body and helps me think and function.

·         -Fats are what my brain is made of and functions on. It is how I am able to do my school work.

·         -I do my best to be kind and compassionate.

·         -I am a bit creative.

·         -I have really close friends.

·         -I am human and therefore have worth.

·         -I know I am loved.

·         -I have been in recovery before and can do it again.

·         -I hate myself now but I can learn to love myself.

·         -Dan, Kari, Alexa, Sam, Stephanie, and others love and care about me.

·         -I go to a difficult school and am making good grades. While I work hard, I also have to be relatively intelligent to do so. My team at Klarman have reviewed my growth charts to determine my range. They closely moniter my weight and would not make me fat. Obviously Dan finds me, not only not ugly, but also pretty and beautiful or he wouldn’t be with me.

·         -I do my best and that is all I can do. At times I may feel like I fall short but I can always try harder next time.

·         -Academically I have not failed anything for as long as I can remember. In life the only time I can fail is when I do not learn from my mistakes and/or if I stay down and don’t get back up when I fall, or if I give up.

·         -I may not care about myself but others do. Also, just because it feels like no one cares does not mean it’s true.

·         -I need for to live and function. It is okay to eat. Eating nourishes my body and allows me to do things. My body need and can handle differing amounts of food.

·         -Food is good and allows me to function and be me. There are even foods I like and enjoy eating.

·         -I am uncomfortable in my body because I am in my range and I haven’t been at a healthy weight for a while.

·        - My thighs touch, yes, but that is okay. It is normal and healthy for some people’s thighs to touch. I am at a healthy weight. When my thighs did not touch I was very sick and unhealthy.

·        - I am at a healthy weight. If I lose weight I may easily slide back into behaviors use, become unhealthy and risk damaging my body even more.

·        - I feel like my body is too big but again I am at a healthy weight. Yes it is uncomfortable but I can sit with these feelings and thoughts and not engage in behaviors. I will one day learn to be okay with myself and my body.

·        - I am following my meal plan and on a maintenance meal plan. My body needs food and if left to my ED I would not eat anything and still feel like I am eating too much.

·        - I have been in recovery before and I can do it again. This time I will have more coping skills and knowledge on my side.

·        - I am at a healthy weight now. My old body was sickly, unhealthy and unattractive.

·        - My stomach is not flat but it is not flabby. It is just covered with skin.

·        - 80lbs is WAY, WAY, WAY too little to weight for someone of my age and height.

·        - People say I was too skinny at my lowest weight and that I needed help.

·        - I am in my range and need to stay there.

·        - I deserve recovery. Everyone deserves recovery. I am human and therefore not a piece of shit. I am in my range and therefore not fat. People find me beautiful.

·        - Because I am in my range I am not comfortable in my body. I hope one day to be comfortable in my body.

·        - People do not find excessively skinny/boney people attractive. Looking sickly and ill is not only unhealthy but also off-putting. Dan finds me attractive now and found me attractive at a higher weight.

·        - I will not stop losing at a few pounds. I will spiral out of control and it will always be ‘just a few pounds.’

·        - I am in the low to mid section of my range which is where my body wants to be and where I am healthy.

·        - It is more than the food. Therapy and journaling are good places to explore this. I have a strong sense of will and I am stubborn. These traits can be used to my advantage or disadvantage. I choose the former.

·        - Not listening to my ED and staying on my meal plan shows more strength, willpower, and courage than any other action.

My Voice

There is so much I want to say, and so much I want to do. While the words of my eating disorder run through my mind I remember what I talked about in therapy today. When ED talks it usually means that there is something else I want to say. It's hard being home and living under the same roof as my mother. It's hard to hold my tongue. It's hard to be my own person around her and that is where my ed comes in and says "I can give you an out." That sickeningly sweet voice plays over in my head, whispering false promises of hope, freedom and thinness. While I know that those promises lead to there is that part that still wants to travel down that road. There is a part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and says "Yeah I can lose just a few pounds." The magic words "just a few pounds." They are such a joke because it is always just a few pounds no matter what the weight, no matter the number. Which is why I don't do numbers. I've never liked numbers and so numbers can go to hell and they will not drag me there with them. So what do I want to say? Well it's more like what do I want to scream, but I know that will not do any good and will, in fact, do more harm than good. 

What I want to say:

Mom, you are not the boss of me. You do not control me. You have no say in what I do or who I am. I have learned from you, yes, and I thank you for giving me my stubbornness, my determination, my strong will, some of my smarts and some good values. However, I am giving back your judgmental way of life, your anxiety, your anger, you insecurities, you inability to see reality and recognize other people's truths. I give you back your intolerance and your refusal to accept your role in any part of anyone else's life. I give you back your fear. I reject responsibility for your actions. I reject your shifting of truth. And I reject you method of parenting. I will not accept food in the place of your unconditional love.

When I am a parent I will not use physical punishment. I will not micromanage my children's lives. I will not dictate what they can and cannot read and if they wish to read something that I do not "approve" of I will read it with them and discuss the meaning/messages of the book. I will not force my religion on them but educate them in my beliefs and let them choose for themselves. I will show love and affection by giving love and affection. I will teach them tolerance and acceptance of others. I will act as a guide not a dictator. I will listen to them and understand where they are coming from and discuss things with them. I will be kind and reasonable. I will not force them to do what they hate. I will give them an understanding of compassion and courtesy. I will teach them manners but I will not use guilt to do so. I will teach them to have a healthy relationship with food and not use it as a substitute or method of showing love, but rather as a means of nourishing their bodies. I will respect their need for space and understand their sensitivities. I will not mock them or treat their pain as a joke, but take it seriously and comfort them in appropriate ways. I will talk to my daughter about puberty and be attentive to the signs and I will teach my children that it is okay to speak up when something is wrong. I will show them that it is okay to have feelings and it is okay to be mad or disappointed in me. I will praise their strong points and give constructive criticism. I will not make comments about body size or shape. I will be a role model for them and love them and give them their space and respect that.

I may garden and I may not. I may behave in ways you consider inappropriate but I will be true to myself. I am a student and I will finish college and, probably, go on to graduate school. I will be a partner to my husband and encourage him to go to bed when he is tired and not make him stay up with me if I am going to be up late. I will give him freedom and respect him. I will try to work out our disagreements in a mature way and will not go slamming the door and storming out. There is so much more but for now, that is what I need to say.

It really does help and now ed's voice is not as strong. It is still there but I do feel better. I will stay with my recovery and I will not be deceived nor led by a crazy person because I am my own person and I have a right to my needs and my opinions. Say what she might, my mother is not in charge of me and she cannot control me. I WILL outlive her and there is nothing she can do about that.

Sense of Self

One day I will stand my ground and say to those who call
I am not here for you to use or be the one to catch you when you fall.
I am a human being, with feelings, needs and other things
So take me not for granted
I am a friend to those in need who answer back in kind
But one way streets of tender care I will not walk again
I've seen the damaged neighborhoods and walked the broken path
I know how deadly storms can been and watched them when they've past
It does not do to stand outside when wind and rain destroy
So I have learned to shelter seek and hide out from the storm
A ray of light do I seek and hope in despair's hour
I will not stay any longer now within this ivory tower
It's time to run and join the race of humans far and wide
I know that I can no longer hide and wait for the shifting tide
Some people seek to suck us dry and make off with our life
But I will no longer play this game they seek to lure me with
And I know that I can stand upon my own two feet
I learn to sway and bend in wind, the breeze that blows the leaves
I will not snap or ridged forever remain.
It's time to loosen the call of freedom,
Declare my independence.
And on that day I will remain
True to my sense of self

Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

I Made It Through the Day

Today is the first day that I have been home and have not thrown up! This is so huge for me. I now know for certain that I can make it through the day here without having to throw up. I want to again make one thing clear. I do not purge. It is just that there are times when I have what feels like no control and I throw up without meaning or wanting to and it sucks. So for me to have done this is so important to me. I followed my meal plan and kept my food down. I have to admit that I did cut a corner a bit with my wrap today at lunch in that it was more like 1.5 starches instead of the required 2 but I am checking off today in the win column, on MY side instead of my ED's. I may still struggle and I may fall on my face but the important thing is that I will always, ALWAYS pick myself back up and keep going.

Holding On

I don't always know what to do. Scratch that, I usually don't know what to do. I feel like there is a war waging in my brain and body, and in essence there is. My eating disorder is a nasty little bitch, crazy but nasty and sooo hard to fight. Yes I just got out of treatment a bit over a week ago but I am also back in the environment I was in before. I try not to let that get to me; I really don't want it to get to me but it does. I am really looking forward to the school year and a fresh start but first I have to survive the summer and not land back in treatment. I want to do well, I really really do, it's just so hard and my eating disorder is so tempting. It's hard to remember how stupid it is sometimes and my intense hatred of my body does not make it easy. I know that the thoughts and body image are among the longest lasting pieces of an eating disorder but I wish that there was something more I could do to speed the process along. I am trying my hardest to remain positive and hopeful but it's so hard and I feel stuck. I feel trapped, not just in my body and this state of mind but also because I am still having trouble keeping food down. I don't know what it is and it's starting to really scare and worry me. I can't have my weight go down because of this. I can't go back to treatment. People keep telling me that I could take the semester off but I do not want to. There are classes I am so excited for that I don't want to miss. So I have something to fight for, something very concrete. Now I just have to keep that in my sight and now lose hope or faith, in myself, my treatment team or recovery.

This Struggle

There are times when I passingly wish I was dead. There are times when I feel so full of life that I am bursting. Now is not one of the latter. For some reason my brain likes to think that death would solve all of my problems, that I would be free of my struggles and worries, that I would be at peace with myself and the universe. Well, as many have said, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. And I'm not saying that I want to kill myself, so don't take it that way, but my mind likes to send the thought through it every once in a while. So it's something I have to deal with. For some people this might sounds crazy and I realize that in the spectrum of mental health I'm probably not on the upper end. The important thing is that I recognize this and as long as I am recognizing this then I'm not too worried. I can still find reasons why my death would be more of a disaster and loss than anything else. I know that there are people who love me very much and care about me and I would never want them to go through the pain of something like that. So I keep forging on, praying that this will get easier, that I will be able to keep fighting off my demons. Life is not easy, nor is it fair and these are facts that I accept. All I am asking is for it to be a little more tolerable. Yes I am struggling now but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day I will not struggle as much. Since I have been home I have not always been entirely honest with myself and I am working on that. I do not know if there has been one day that I have been at my house when I have not spontaneously thrown up. It is so hard for me to admit this and I have to say that it is not just that I am here with my parents because it has happened when I have been home alone. Part of my problem admitting to this issue is the fact that it has been so often misunderstood as me purging. I am not purging, I just can't seem to stop myself from vomiting. (Sorry if this is triggering to any of you who are reading this.) The other thing that I need to admit is that I do not always make up for what I cannot keep down. Part of this is because I am afraid that if I do I will throw it up again and it will just make things worse. The other part is my eating disorder telling me that if I eat it then it counts whether I keep it down or not. So these are issues to bring up now in therapy and with my nutritionist. I know that it is important that I deal with this, not just because of the issues with food and that I am not following my meal plan technically if I am not keeping the food down, but also because I can feel the damage I am doing. Specifically the other day when I think I tore something. The chest pain I have been having for years now has been linked to this issue of not keeping my food down. Today I jokingly said that my body's expiration date may be sooner than expected and I know that this will be true if I do not address this and get help for it. The problem is the shame. Everything comes with the shame. I know that my therapist and team will not judge me but I judge myself and that is the worst. So I start with admitting it and the next step is to try to be a bit easier on myself. I would not judge someone else who struggled with the same issue and I deserve the same treatment I show others. Today (it is technically morning) I will work on accepting where I am and moving forward. 

I Have a Name And It Is Not ED/Ana

I have a name and it is not ED, Anorexia, or Ana (though I am an Anna, two n's  not one, and not THAT ana). I have a name but I am not always that person. As I am continuing to work on recovery outside of treatment I find that it is much harder. There is no one around to watch me, no one to notice if I do not follow my meal plan, no one to check on me every hour, no one to stop me from exercising. Freedom is wonderful but it also means that I have the freedom to "engage in behaviors." (On a side note, I hat that term but I don't know how else to put it.) This freedom is a big responsibility. It means that I have to take charge of my recovery and that is an exciting but terrifying thing, partly because I don't know how much I really trust myself.

I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.

Making It at Home after Discharge

Well, I did it. I survived life at Klarman and have returned home. It's not the smoothest transition nor the easiest. Being back in the environment I was when I was still sick is hard and I have had a few slips but I am moving forward. Yes it is hard but I have done this before so I know that I can do it and this time I have my boyfriend. Sure he is not living in Vermont anymore but he is my main source of support outside my treatment team and I know I can reach him if I need to and just knowing that he cares helps. While behaviors have changed drastically since I was last home, my mind is still the same prison it has always been. I find myself hating this body more than ever and morning the lose of my eating disordered one. I wish there was a switch I could flick to turn off my brain but sadly there is no such thing. I work and work on reframing my thoughts but I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I wonder if I will ever be "normal," but what is normal anyway?

Looking through my journal from treatment and before I do see the progress I have made and it gives me hope. I did a lot of very hard work in treatment and I know that I need to continue that work if I want to truly recover. Some of my first steps in treatment were to make sure that my scale was removed from the house and other methods of body checking were disposed of. The scale was the hardest thing to get rid of but I felt so much better after doing so. I still have moments of regret associated with relinquishing my hold on a means of monitoring my weight but I know it was the right decision. If I had my scale, I would be quickly back to where I was before treatment. As it is I have to resist the urge to purchase a new one. I feel so torn. Within me I have two sides at war and I am pulled between the two. I can't get my eating disorder to shut up or leave me alone. Since entering my range everything has just gotten so much worse. The notion of "just losing a few pounds" is so strong but I know what it leads to and I don't want to go there. I don't want to throw away all the work that I have put into getting to where I am. I keep trying to stay positive but some days I just want to hide from the world and disappear all together. Fighting that urge is sometime the only thing I can think about. I feel like I am losing energy to keep pushing through and I am hoping that I can get to a better place before I do.

Treatment Days

I'm sitting in the computer room at treatment on a website I'm not supposed to be on. I don't care. I have missed my blog and the sense of release and the ability to type out my feelings. Yes, I journal while here but for someone who is used to having her laptop whenever she wants it, not being able to blog is a huge adjustment on top of all the other adjustments I am having to make in my life. I wish that I could have my computer but I understand why we are not allowed to do so. Being back in residential treatment has been a difficult adjustment but I have settled in and met some amazing girls here. Yes there are the annoying and frustrating ones, the girls who engage in behaviors and trigger everyone else. There are the girls who do not follow the rules and the contraband smuggled in. However the overall feel here is nice now. Some major drama players have either been transferred or discharged and the place has settled into it's normal routine. While I am able to follow the meal plan and gain the weight they want me to, I am still having so much difficulty accepting the need for this weight gain and the changing body I am experiencing. I grieve for the body I once had, though it was unhealthy and unattractive, according to others. It is so hard to get past these feelings of self-hatred and loathing I have for my body. I know it will be a long process and it will be hard. I just hope that while I continue to work on feeling better about myself and my body I am able to remain on the track that I have begun and not slip back into old ways. 

Urges and Behaviors

Today royally sucked. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of urges. I think that for the first time I actually went through a binge/purge cycle. As someone who has always restricted this is extremely hard to admit and the shame of seeing my weight go up and down several pounds or more only made things worse. As I approach the time when I will enter treatment (still not 100% sure when but soon), it seems like ED tries harder each day to keep his hold on me. While I have stuck to ED behaviors the urge to wander into other possible addictions also leaves me wondering what is going on. Wave after wave of thoughts and urges leave me exhausted and confused. While the binge/purge behaviors take over my thoughts also wandered towards alcohol. While I am still several months under the legal limit my parents have enough alcohol in our house to do some serious damage. Only once or twice before in my life have I had the urge to drown everything in that "wonderful" poison, alcohol. I know that with my issues with addiction seeking solace in the bottle is out of the frying pan and into the fire as the saying goes.

Years ago, when my brother was dealing with issues related to alcohol, I made a promise to myself that I would not develop the same issues. Thankfully my stubbornness and that promise kept me from touching the stuff,  both in the past when I have had urges to over do it and today. I only hope that I will be able to use my stubbornness to help deal with ED urges in the future. However, it is this stubbornness that ED also uses to his advantage. It is interesting that the qualities we have can be used to help us and hurt us. I know I still have a lot to learn about myself. I also know now that I have to be constantly vigilant because ED is a tricky bastard and even when I think I know every trick he can play, he still has a few up his sleeve that I do not know about yet. I also know that behaviors will increase when I am home and around my parents.

This house is toxic for me. Tonight I came to understand my eating disorder and what helped create it a little bit more. It is interesting what can click on that light and open our eyes so we have that "ah ha" moment. Tonight I watched my parent fight, not an uncommon event in our household. However what struck me was the fact that meal time was used by my mother as a way of getting back at my dad. She was mad at him for reasons I will not go into and so, though she had already decided that she did not feel well and so was not going to have dinner (a topic for another day and another post), she refused to sit down with him while he ate. My dad, being the guy that he is, was rather oblivious to the motivation behind my mother's lack of a presence at the table until I asked her if she was coming and then if she was mad. The whole situation was stressful and frustrating. Yet it was also eye-opening and has made me grateful that I no longer live here full time. School may be stressful and difficult at times but at least I am able to be in a healthy environment of my choosing. As I grow as a person and continue on the path to recovery I hope to be able to learn how to remove myself from situations that only hinder my recovery and health. 

Struggling and Thoughts

So it comes as no surprise to me that having a scale is a bad idea which leads to much unhappiness, however I cannot seem to part with the damn thing. I am constantly stepping on and stepping off. My day or night is determined by what that number is. If it goes down it's good, up is bad. So as I start to eat in preparation for treatment my weight goes up. It does not matter how much or little it rises, each time it does I feel that self-esteem I already have so little of fall a bit more. I would give anything not to care about weight or how my body looks in the mirror. I would give anything to be free of this obsession. I do not know how many hours, days, weeks, months, years I have spent thinking about food, weight and my body. It makes me sad that I am so consumed with these issues. As a child I used to have fun and have a life. Now I find myself unable to enjoy times with friends and family because I am so self-conscious and food is part of every meeting. I think about how I can make it look like I had more than I actually did, if there is a way to get out of eating. I always scan the table to make sure that I am the one having the least. There is a running count in my head, a table of body types. If I am the skinniest one there I can feel good, if I am not then I am a failure. All I want is to be normal but try as I might I keep being drawn back into this pattern. Now it is time to get help to work on this but even though I know deep down that I need to go and get help, I am still fighting with myself constantly because I do not want to go. I am scared and sad. I don't want to miss my summer but I have no choice. I need to spend this time focusing on me and my needs and I need to learn that that is okay. While in treatment I have many goals but I still plan on working on things for the outside world. I will bring my GRE books. I will continue to write and journal.  I will do reading. There is so much that I want to do and I will find a way to do it. I know that by bringing things to do to treatment I will have a chance to practice balancing what I need/want to do and what I am able to do. I will be able to test my boundaries and limits in a secure environment and this is something I am excited and scared to do. At school, I constantly seem to be running from one thing to another and I need to learn balance. I cannot do everything all the time. I need to learn to say no and speak up when I am overwhelmed and most importantly, I need to learn to ask for help and advocate for myself. The first step in this, I believe, is doing something about the nutrition information that is posted on all food in the dining halls and the Vermont laws that require restaurants and chains to post calories. This is my next step of advocating for myself since I know that if I go back to school and have to face the caloric content of every item all the time I will relapse. It sucks but I know I am not the only one with this problem and someone needs to stand up for us all. 

"It's Time to Take Action Boys!"

Okay, so while Gaston may not be a great guy in Beauty and the Beast, he does have some catchy lyrics which work for this situation because it IS time to take action, time to rally the troops so to speak. Well, the troops have already been rallied actually, my treatment team is working, minus my psychiatrist who will be changed soon hopefully. Calls have been put in and I am not the list for treatment. I received a call today asking if I could come down on Monday after which I promptly freaked out because I am not ready to go, I just got home from school and haven't dealt with all my laundry yet. Also there is my parents' schedule to think of. So it looks like I will be trying to go down the next Monday. This leaves me time to pack and prepare, to get labs done, to find out what I will need to bring, to get any questions I have answered, and to breathe and not freak out. This last part is really important to me because while at school I entered a program and it happened too fast for me and I think that really affected the effect of the treatment. So I will be spending the next week preparing.

Today I had a really great therapy session. Not only was it GREAT to see my therapist from home/high school but I was able to really take time before hand to think about treatment and what I want to get out of it and out of this summer. As someone who usually is so concerned with helping others and how others feel, who likes to be a people pleaser, this summer is going to be about ME. This past semester was hell and I really need to take care of myself and if people have a problem with that well too bad. I could say that what I am doing is selfish but that would not be me talking, that is ED telling me that spending time on myself is selfish and that SHOULD not do that. When I hear that "should" I know that it is coming from outside of myself. At this point in time I may not be able to see myself as worth much or worthy of this attention but at least I know that I am not seeing with the eyes I was born with, with eyes that are clear and unfiltered. This summer I aim to learn to separate myself from my ED and learn to recognize ED's voice and presence before it gets out of control. I aim to explore the question: who am I. I feel like I developed my ED as a way of dealing with the stress of my mother, school and the unspoken pressure to be perfect. ED replaced my mother as the task master in my life and I need to know, need to feel what it is like to have myself as the driving force in my life, to have my needs and wants made my priority. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want things to get messy and not freak out. I want to learn to deal with my emotions and not have a panic attack or feel the need to restrict or have my emotions so strong that I literally get sick. I want to learn to live, not just exist. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake and think of nothing but what it tastes like, how the texture feels in my mouth, how much I either like it or don't like it. I don't want to be thinking of the calories, to be calculating the desire to have the cake against the panic attack that comes after and the probability that I will not be able to keep it down. I remember how many times I had dinner with my friends this semester, and with one particular friend (if you are reading this you know who you are) and how envious I was of her ability to have a piece of cake. How messed up is that?! It is so frustrating that I am missing out on so much of life because of this disease and it is a mixture of guilt, shame and anger and hatred that comes up with I think about it. I need to learn to turn that anger and hatred towards the real perpetrator, ED. This is difficult though because, while ED has caused all of these problems in my life, ED has also served a purpose for a very long time and I need to learn to separate that part that wants to help me deal with stressors from the part that wants me to deal with stressors by turning to an obsession with food. These are all things that I want to work on this summer while I am in treatment and when I get out and they are things that I will probably be dealing with and learning to embrace for the rest of my life. As my wonderful therapist said who I am changes and that is okay but first I have to find out who I am without ED running my life. There is so much more I want to work on as well as this is just the beginning. But as I type these words I am thinking to myself, maybe there is hope. Maybe, just maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is the sun and maybe I can move on with my life.


"At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, oh

'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/francesca-battistelli-lyrics/free-to-be-me-lyrics.html .]
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek, oh
And it's easy to believe even though

'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see

I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You"
-Free to be Me by Francesca Battistelli

Reflections Before Bed

Wow. So I have been really bad about posting here. I guess I have had a lot going on which explains why I have been lax in my blogging. A lot has happened since I was on here last. For starters, I have finished the semester. I made it! There were times when I was not sure if I would but I completed the year and just in time. I have been slowly and not so slowly slipping since I was discharged from Walden. While the time I spent there probably kept me able to be in school, it did not help me get back on track with recovery. I could say that I had so many external factors going against me this semester and that these were the cause of my relapse but that would not be entirely honest. I don't' think I ever really was able to deal with the issues that helped create my eating disorder. I was able to deal with the behaviors but the thoughts and feelings never went away. In someways it feels like this relapse was a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. My low self-esteem, a major contributor to my eating disorder, was talked about but I never actually changed the way I think and feel about myself. It doesn't matter that people say that I am a good person or that I should feel good about myself, the plain fact is that I do not like myself, I barely tolerate myself. If someone asked me why this is I don't know that I could answer that question. There are many times, in fact most of the time, I cannot stand being in my body. This is a common feeling among those of us who struggle with body image issues and eating disorders so the knowledge that this is an issue for me is nothing new. What I want to know is why I feel this way and the fact that I cannot answer that question is frustrating. So, although I finished the semester, I do not feel that it was an accomplishment or that I should be proud of myself for that. The fact that I was able to remain at school is just something that I know I had to do and there was no option of not finishing. Tonight my dad said to me that I am a judgmental person; I disagreed with him. But if I look at the way I talk to myself and the standers that I hold for myself especially, and for others at times, I'd have to say that I am. So, armed with this knowledge I approach a new chapter in my life. Once again, I am going to residential treatment for my eating disorder, this time as an adult.

My labs and vitals indicate that, currently, I am medically stable. This is good news, though surprising news, for me and my team. While I am medically stable, I am in the worst place I have every been with my eating disorder in terms of weight and thoughts. Being at school granted me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. There was no accountability and so I could get away with anything. Except I wasn't really getting away with it, I was just postponing the inevitable and now I have to face myself and really look at the way I talk to myself, treat myself and view my body. I cannot hide any longer. Although my eating disorder is constantly trying to convince me that I am okay, that I do not need treatment, that I do not want treatment; objectively I know how much I need it. I keep thinking, well no one can force me. My parents don't have that power anymore. But really who am I hurting by refusing treatment when I know I need it. I would only be making life more difficult for myself and everyone who cares about me and loves me. As scared as I am, I need to face the truth: I need help. Admitting that is frightening and difficult. As someone who likes to be in control, who is the caretaker not the caretakee, someone who does not like to be told what to do, I know it will be difficult giving up this control and trusting my treatment team. I also have to realize that I am not in control anymore, I don't know if I ever was. All I have is the illusion of control and a body that will start to shut down, if it hasn't started already. Tomorrow I see my therapist I saw in high school. I know that it is going to be difficult. I am ashamed to return to her worse off than I was when she first and last saw me. I am afraid that I will disappoint her even though I know that that is not the case and the person I have disappointed is myself. I cannot help but feel that I chose to return to my eating disorder, that it is my fault. I do not know what this obsession with placing blame is a result of or why it is so strong, all I know is that it is there. The standards I hold myself to are unrealistic and impossible to achieve so why do I hold myself to them? Why do I clearly set myself up to fail? Again, I do not know but these are questions that I need to explore in therapy so that I can accept myself and start to move on with my life. There is so much more I want to write and say and do but for now I need to get some sleep. In the morning, perhaps I will see with new eyes. Perhaps I will be magically better. I smile and think to myself, 'If only it was that easy.' Although tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, I know that the weight of today (no pun intended) will be there tomorrow, pulling me down, keeping me locked in a seemingly endless battle of wills with myself.

A New Chapter Starts

Tonight was my last night of treatment. It came fast and was kind of a surprise. I had been feeling like treatment wasn't really helping me but was just adding one more thing on my list of things to do. With classes winding down and the summer approaching I just didn't see how treatment two nights a week for 4-5 weeks was going to be helpful. Now I am working with my outpatient team and we will see what happens. ED is still very much in my head. I am fighting him constantly. Not only that but my anxiety and inability to sleep have compounded my problems and made it that much more difficult to fight. I am feeling tire and discouraged. I am unhappy with where my weight is at and I feel gross. I am trying to move forward with recovery but it is so hard. Every step forward seems to be accompanied by several steps back. I am lonely and that loneliness is making me turn more and more to my eating disorder for comfort and safety. I know that ED can provide neither of those things but knowing that and believing/feeling that are two different things. After therapy last week I was able to look at the eating disordered part of myself and really look past the behaviors. What I saw surprised me. I saw the same scared, lonely, timid young woman that always stares me back in the mirror. I saw someone who just wanted to be comforted and happy. Someone looking for companionship. My eating disorder has given me that and continues to provide those things but I have to learn how to let that part of me provide those aspects in a healthy way.

There are so many sayings and so many words of wisdom that people spout at times like these. I know that the path I am traveling has been traveled before by many women but we each take a different way. I need to forge my way through this. As Robert Frost says "I [choose] the path less traveled." I am on my own journey to recovery and I have to believe I will make it there alive or else I am fighting for nothing. I need to do this. I need to find the motivation to keep going even when I feel like giving in and giving up.

Treatment, Meal Plans, and Weights Oh My

Three things that I find terrifying. Do you think that Dorthy, Scarecrow and the Tinman thought they would really come across a lion, tiger or bear? What we fear says a lot about who we are and how we deal with that fear even more. For a while now I  have been in treatment at Walden first in the php program now in iop. Lately I have been asking myself is this really helping me and I do not think it is. However I know that I have to really examine this question and figure out if I am running from treatment because I do not want to get better or if there really is nothing worth going there for. Now I have done a lot of DBT work in various places for various reasons and Walden is heavy with the DBT. I am spending about 80 minutes on a bus round trip to spend three hours in treatment on something that I could teach a course in and while it is good to get the support of peers and staff I do not think this is what I need. Yes I'm scared of recovery, my meal plan, gaining the weight I need to regain but these are all things I am working on and taking baby steps. I know that this is a disease that kills and I am working on taking a step or two back and really looking at what is going on within me. However this is not something I can do at Walden. This is something I can do with my therapist and something I want to do with her and have begun doing. My life is crazy right now and there is lots going on but I am learning to take breaks, to say no and to find out what it is that I want to do. I'd say that's a pretty big first step.