Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

I Have a Name And It Is Not ED/Ana

I have a name and it is not ED, Anorexia, or Ana (though I am an Anna, two n's  not one, and not THAT ana). I have a name but I am not always that person. As I am continuing to work on recovery outside of treatment I find that it is much harder. There is no one around to watch me, no one to notice if I do not follow my meal plan, no one to check on me every hour, no one to stop me from exercising. Freedom is wonderful but it also means that I have the freedom to "engage in behaviors." (On a side note, I hat that term but I don't know how else to put it.) This freedom is a big responsibility. It means that I have to take charge of my recovery and that is an exciting but terrifying thing, partly because I don't know how much I really trust myself.

I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.

Family Dynamics

As a child I was always eager to jump into life and get wet and messy. I loved making mud pies and dancing in the rain. Thunderstorms were my favorite. I loved to feel the rain drops coming down and soaking my shirt. Life was full and satisfying. I was an innocent child, as most are, and I knew little of cruelty and pain but as I grew I saw more of the world and a darker side of life. Looking back I could not understand that it was abuse at the time but the times when my mother would spank me using "The Stick" was not normal. The time she slapped me across the face for "being sassy" was not right. I know that I blamed myself for these reactions of hers but they were not my fault. When my therapist first started talking about abuse I brushed it off as irrelevant and inaccurate but the more I look back the clearer the pattern emerges. Now this pattern was in part due to the generation gaps between my mother and my generation because she came from the "spare the rod spoil the child" time and to her I was indeed a spoiled child. My mother was always the one to get angry and yell or hit or punish in some way and so my relationship with my parents became dichotomous so that my mother was the "bad" parent and my dad the "good" one. Being at home for break has given me time to think about this and really look at the way my parents react to things. Christmas was a total disaster as I have mentioned already and it was interesting to see how it was my mother who did the slamming of the doors and walking out while my dad sat calmly by and watched. I feel like my dad has always been a watcher. He never really got involved in the dirty side of parenting when misbehavior or punishment was concerned. I know that my parents love me and want what is best for me they just cannot show it. My mother is very dramatic and I get a lot of my personality from her but my practice of internalization comes from my father. Seeing the two play their parts and interact can tell me a lot about myself, yet it is often difficult to sit back and watch the fights because like my father the watcher, I am also the mediator.

My dad does watch but at some point he will jump in and try to resolve the issue even if it only ends up in more yelling and unpleasantness. I am the same way. I hate fights. They make me anxious and scared and I just want them to stop. Yet the mediator never really ends up satisfied or happy in our family, partly because of the two main arguers, my mother and my brother. The two of them could fight or argue or debate until the end of time and neither would budge from his or her point of view. When the two of them are home the tension in the house is so palpable it permeates the atmosphere, making everyone on edge. I feel like whenever I am home I have to walk on eggshells and watch what I say as if there is a bomb ready to be set off by the wrong movement or word. In this setting it is no wonder that I am struggling. Yet the struggle started before I came home.

Even though the struggling did start before I came home for the holidays I was struggling this summer and perhaps that laid the foundation for the path I am on now. With my brother living at home and farming on my parents land a fight was sure to break out daily. The animosity left over from the summer lingers and taints any interaction between my brother and my parents. All I know is that the atmosphere in this house is toxic and has been for a long time. I wish that there was some way to change it but my mother and I, despite our similarities, cannot get alone for extended periods of time. My dad and I are okay because neither of us like fighting. My brother and I did not get along for most of my childhood. In fact he was somewhat of a bully to me when I was younger but we have grown closer over the years, however there are things that will always divide us and keep us from becoming really close. It's sad when I think about my family and how I cannot really get close or talk to any of them about the deeper things. Religion is nixed because I am pagan and they are Catholic and my general interests provide enough of a chasm to prevent and real connection from being formed. ED did not help. My eating disorder took advantage of an already broken system and severed all ties that I could have with my family members. Lies came between us, just as the lies that I told as a child to protect my developing identity left my parents stunned when I finally stopped acting like the child they wanted. I would like to try to get closer to my family but the years of pain and hurt I have suffered at their hands makes me very hesitant to crack that door open and let them in.

I never felt able to rely on my family for support so I built another family of friends instead. But now that I am in college and my friends from my childhood have gone in different directions and so I feel like my family has fallen apart and THAT may be why ED is stepping up his game and able to have such power over me and that is what I need to work on this semester, building my family at school, a safe and stable family from whom I can seek support and love and support and love in turn. Without this I will fail to get better and just keep getting worse. Now that I know one important key step towards recovery I have to have the strength and courage to put myself out there and maybe fall a few times and get hurt but pick myself back up and try again. I have already had multiple bad experiences with friends in college so I need to find a new strategy. I don't know how I will do it right now but I have to think of a way of connecting with people or I won't make it. I can do this and I will do this. I just have to keep reminding myself of those two facts.

I Can't Fight This Feeling

I cannot fight this anymore. I am really struggling. I feel so guilty when I eat anything. I take every opportunity to go to the gym. I feel like I'm a total failure and completely worthless. I am depressed and cry myself to sleep most nights. ED's voice is in my head all the time and I cannot shut him out or shut him up. This was the case even in recovery so once again I believe him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I am tired, so tired, all the time. I just want to give in and give up. All I want to do is curl up in my room and hide but I cannot do this for obvious reasons. I am sure that part of the problem is it's finals and I have a lot to do but this was bad before that. I cannot say that it came back when my friend attempted suicide because I was struggling before that. I was struggling on and off even before school started. Honestly part of it I think was the realization that I had been in recovery for three years this summer and that freaked me out. I don't know if that is the sole or main cause or factor but I know that I am not doing well and I don't want to admit it. I don't want to say that it is a problem. I do not have the time to have an eating disorder that needs treatment right now. I just don't. I have too much going on in my life to take the time to stop and get help for this. I have goals that do not include treatment. Writing this and reading it sounds crazy and my rational side can argue and say that those goals are the very reason that I need to get help but my mind is not rational right now. I am not myself. ED has just completely taken over and I am torn between wanting to get better and wanting to get worse. I know that as an adult I cannot be forced into treatment. I know that I have to finish this semester. I know that I have friends and family who love me and are worried. I know my boyfriend is in a lot of pain because I am not eating right. Yet none of it matters to me. All that matters is the anxiety I have about eating food. The fear of gaining weight. The belief that I am too fat. The need to lose weight and deny my needs. I am so scared of myself, of ED, of others, of what I am willing to put myself through. The self-hatred that I carry is huge and it scares me. I know that I am in a lot of pain right now and I don't know why or how to deal with it but ED does. ED is giving me the answers right now and I am listening because I am weak and scared. I know that I need to stop listening, stand up for myself and figure out what is going on but that is scarier than ED and I don't know if I have the strength right now. I am overwhelmed. I know what to do but I don't know how to do it.

Courage

Courage, n. the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.
I find myself lacking courage lately. I have tried fighting this and I'm trying so hard. I am trying to fight ED but it's sooo so hard and a part of me doesn't want to. I want to live and yet I don't. It's like I'm split in two. I'm fighting myself. I know this is how ED works, how he operates. I know it's all tricks but I still believe him. I still trust him. I don't know why but I do. It just feels like I can't win. I'm overwhelmed and scared. I'm tired and lonely. All of the feelings I had three years ago and earlier are back. I don't want to eat. I want to go to the gym everyday and work until I drop. I want to run my body into the ground. I want to make it disappear; I want to disappear. Every day is so hard. Getting up, going to class, getting everything done that I need to get done. I feel like I have no time. I can't breathe. Everything feels like it's falling apart. I am away from home, things should be better. I hear so many of my friends are struggling and I'm jealous? I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I blame myself, and that is one of my biggest mistakes.

A bit over three weeks ago a friend tried to kill herself. I was the one there for her. She contacted me and I could tell there was something wrong. I called Campus Police, I rode with her to the hospital, I held her hand until her boyfriend showed up. I did my best to keep everyone involved up to date. This was important. And yet.... I feel responsible. I should have been able to tell that something was wrong. I should have checked up on her. I should have known. And worse, a week or less earlier, that could have been me. I keep asking myself, why wasn't that me? Why was it her? It should have been me being taken away. Maybe if I had tried to kill myself she would not have done so. But, I cannot blame myself. I could not have known. I did my best. I helped her as much as she let me help her and that is all I can do. Yet the guilt of this stays with me. One of my biggest struggles in my propensity to blame myself for things that are completely beyond my control. This is one of the major things keeping me from true recovery. I have tried to work on this but it's so hard and ED is so easy and ED seems like such a friend that I forget what He brings with.

I keep saying just a few pounds, just a few pounds but I know what that leads to. I know that just a few pounds becomes just my life. Sometimes I don't care that death may be the consequence. I keep saying I just want to be thin, but what is it that I really want? Why am I really heading back down this road? I went down it about a month ago and my boyfriend got me out and I'm headed there again and I don't care. I need to find that inspiration to get back on track but ED is soo persuasive and right now He's making sense. I need some comfort in my life and ED is right there saying I can come to Him for it just like I used to. I'm not drinking enough. I've started cutting back on food. I started going to the gym again today. Ed wants me to keep this up. ED wants me to go back to Him and He's convincing me that I do as well. I need to look at what I really want. I need to look at my needs and take care of myself but I don't seem able to do that. I wake up every morning and look at myself with disgust. I hate being in my body and I hate my body. I know that it is ED whispering these things in my ear, I know this but I lack the COURAGE to stand up, to stand in the rain. For now at least I'm still being honest with myself (mostly) and others. I need to beat this before the lying starts. I need to beat this before it takes over my life again but I'm SO SCARED. I'm terrified. I used to say that I had no fears. Oh how young and naive I was then, I was scared, I just wasn't admitting it. I cannot let my fear paralyze me and allow ED to put up those walls again and cut the ones I love out of my life. I need to try and yet I'm still scared.


Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.