I have a name and it is not ED, Anorexia, or Ana (though I am an Anna, two n's not one, and not THAT ana). I have a name but I am not always that person. As I am continuing to work on recovery outside of treatment I find that it is much harder. There is no one around to watch me, no one to notice if I do not follow my meal plan, no one to check on me every hour, no one to stop me from exercising. Freedom is wonderful but it also means that I have the freedom to "engage in behaviors." (On a side note, I hat that term but I don't know how else to put it.) This freedom is a big responsibility. It means that I have to take charge of my recovery and that is an exciting but terrifying thing, partly because I don't know how much I really trust myself.
I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.
I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.
Proud of you love. You are so strong. Keep fighting and keep believing and remember you're worth it. You are worth the effort it takes to recover.
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