Holding On

I don't always know what to do. Scratch that, I usually don't know what to do. I feel like there is a war waging in my brain and body, and in essence there is. My eating disorder is a nasty little bitch, crazy but nasty and sooo hard to fight. Yes I just got out of treatment a bit over a week ago but I am also back in the environment I was in before. I try not to let that get to me; I really don't want it to get to me but it does. I am really looking forward to the school year and a fresh start but first I have to survive the summer and not land back in treatment. I want to do well, I really really do, it's just so hard and my eating disorder is so tempting. It's hard to remember how stupid it is sometimes and my intense hatred of my body does not make it easy. I know that the thoughts and body image are among the longest lasting pieces of an eating disorder but I wish that there was something more I could do to speed the process along. I am trying my hardest to remain positive and hopeful but it's so hard and I feel stuck. I feel trapped, not just in my body and this state of mind but also because I am still having trouble keeping food down. I don't know what it is and it's starting to really scare and worry me. I can't have my weight go down because of this. I can't go back to treatment. People keep telling me that I could take the semester off but I do not want to. There are classes I am so excited for that I don't want to miss. So I have something to fight for, something very concrete. Now I just have to keep that in my sight and now lose hope or faith, in myself, my treatment team or recovery.