This Struggle

There are times when I passingly wish I was dead. There are times when I feel so full of life that I am bursting. Now is not one of the latter. For some reason my brain likes to think that death would solve all of my problems, that I would be free of my struggles and worries, that I would be at peace with myself and the universe. Well, as many have said, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. And I'm not saying that I want to kill myself, so don't take it that way, but my mind likes to send the thought through it every once in a while. So it's something I have to deal with. For some people this might sounds crazy and I realize that in the spectrum of mental health I'm probably not on the upper end. The important thing is that I recognize this and as long as I am recognizing this then I'm not too worried. I can still find reasons why my death would be more of a disaster and loss than anything else. I know that there are people who love me very much and care about me and I would never want them to go through the pain of something like that. So I keep forging on, praying that this will get easier, that I will be able to keep fighting off my demons. Life is not easy, nor is it fair and these are facts that I accept. All I am asking is for it to be a little more tolerable. Yes I am struggling now but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day I will not struggle as much. Since I have been home I have not always been entirely honest with myself and I am working on that. I do not know if there has been one day that I have been at my house when I have not spontaneously thrown up. It is so hard for me to admit this and I have to say that it is not just that I am here with my parents because it has happened when I have been home alone. Part of my problem admitting to this issue is the fact that it has been so often misunderstood as me purging. I am not purging, I just can't seem to stop myself from vomiting. (Sorry if this is triggering to any of you who are reading this.) The other thing that I need to admit is that I do not always make up for what I cannot keep down. Part of this is because I am afraid that if I do I will throw it up again and it will just make things worse. The other part is my eating disorder telling me that if I eat it then it counts whether I keep it down or not. So these are issues to bring up now in therapy and with my nutritionist. I know that it is important that I deal with this, not just because of the issues with food and that I am not following my meal plan technically if I am not keeping the food down, but also because I can feel the damage I am doing. Specifically the other day when I think I tore something. The chest pain I have been having for years now has been linked to this issue of not keeping my food down. Today I jokingly said that my body's expiration date may be sooner than expected and I know that this will be true if I do not address this and get help for it. The problem is the shame. Everything comes with the shame. I know that my therapist and team will not judge me but I judge myself and that is the worst. So I start with admitting it and the next step is to try to be a bit easier on myself. I would not judge someone else who struggled with the same issue and I deserve the same treatment I show others. Today (it is technically morning) I will work on accepting where I am and moving forward.