Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

This Struggle

There are times when I passingly wish I was dead. There are times when I feel so full of life that I am bursting. Now is not one of the latter. For some reason my brain likes to think that death would solve all of my problems, that I would be free of my struggles and worries, that I would be at peace with myself and the universe. Well, as many have said, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. And I'm not saying that I want to kill myself, so don't take it that way, but my mind likes to send the thought through it every once in a while. So it's something I have to deal with. For some people this might sounds crazy and I realize that in the spectrum of mental health I'm probably not on the upper end. The important thing is that I recognize this and as long as I am recognizing this then I'm not too worried. I can still find reasons why my death would be more of a disaster and loss than anything else. I know that there are people who love me very much and care about me and I would never want them to go through the pain of something like that. So I keep forging on, praying that this will get easier, that I will be able to keep fighting off my demons. Life is not easy, nor is it fair and these are facts that I accept. All I am asking is for it to be a little more tolerable. Yes I am struggling now but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day I will not struggle as much. Since I have been home I have not always been entirely honest with myself and I am working on that. I do not know if there has been one day that I have been at my house when I have not spontaneously thrown up. It is so hard for me to admit this and I have to say that it is not just that I am here with my parents because it has happened when I have been home alone. Part of my problem admitting to this issue is the fact that it has been so often misunderstood as me purging. I am not purging, I just can't seem to stop myself from vomiting. (Sorry if this is triggering to any of you who are reading this.) The other thing that I need to admit is that I do not always make up for what I cannot keep down. Part of this is because I am afraid that if I do I will throw it up again and it will just make things worse. The other part is my eating disorder telling me that if I eat it then it counts whether I keep it down or not. So these are issues to bring up now in therapy and with my nutritionist. I know that it is important that I deal with this, not just because of the issues with food and that I am not following my meal plan technically if I am not keeping the food down, but also because I can feel the damage I am doing. Specifically the other day when I think I tore something. The chest pain I have been having for years now has been linked to this issue of not keeping my food down. Today I jokingly said that my body's expiration date may be sooner than expected and I know that this will be true if I do not address this and get help for it. The problem is the shame. Everything comes with the shame. I know that my therapist and team will not judge me but I judge myself and that is the worst. So I start with admitting it and the next step is to try to be a bit easier on myself. I would not judge someone else who struggled with the same issue and I deserve the same treatment I show others. Today (it is technically morning) I will work on accepting where I am and moving forward. 

Courage

Courage, n. the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.
I find myself lacking courage lately. I have tried fighting this and I'm trying so hard. I am trying to fight ED but it's sooo so hard and a part of me doesn't want to. I want to live and yet I don't. It's like I'm split in two. I'm fighting myself. I know this is how ED works, how he operates. I know it's all tricks but I still believe him. I still trust him. I don't know why but I do. It just feels like I can't win. I'm overwhelmed and scared. I'm tired and lonely. All of the feelings I had three years ago and earlier are back. I don't want to eat. I want to go to the gym everyday and work until I drop. I want to run my body into the ground. I want to make it disappear; I want to disappear. Every day is so hard. Getting up, going to class, getting everything done that I need to get done. I feel like I have no time. I can't breathe. Everything feels like it's falling apart. I am away from home, things should be better. I hear so many of my friends are struggling and I'm jealous? I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I blame myself, and that is one of my biggest mistakes.

A bit over three weeks ago a friend tried to kill herself. I was the one there for her. She contacted me and I could tell there was something wrong. I called Campus Police, I rode with her to the hospital, I held her hand until her boyfriend showed up. I did my best to keep everyone involved up to date. This was important. And yet.... I feel responsible. I should have been able to tell that something was wrong. I should have checked up on her. I should have known. And worse, a week or less earlier, that could have been me. I keep asking myself, why wasn't that me? Why was it her? It should have been me being taken away. Maybe if I had tried to kill myself she would not have done so. But, I cannot blame myself. I could not have known. I did my best. I helped her as much as she let me help her and that is all I can do. Yet the guilt of this stays with me. One of my biggest struggles in my propensity to blame myself for things that are completely beyond my control. This is one of the major things keeping me from true recovery. I have tried to work on this but it's so hard and ED is so easy and ED seems like such a friend that I forget what He brings with.

I keep saying just a few pounds, just a few pounds but I know what that leads to. I know that just a few pounds becomes just my life. Sometimes I don't care that death may be the consequence. I keep saying I just want to be thin, but what is it that I really want? Why am I really heading back down this road? I went down it about a month ago and my boyfriend got me out and I'm headed there again and I don't care. I need to find that inspiration to get back on track but ED is soo persuasive and right now He's making sense. I need some comfort in my life and ED is right there saying I can come to Him for it just like I used to. I'm not drinking enough. I've started cutting back on food. I started going to the gym again today. Ed wants me to keep this up. ED wants me to go back to Him and He's convincing me that I do as well. I need to look at what I really want. I need to look at my needs and take care of myself but I don't seem able to do that. I wake up every morning and look at myself with disgust. I hate being in my body and I hate my body. I know that it is ED whispering these things in my ear, I know this but I lack the COURAGE to stand up, to stand in the rain. For now at least I'm still being honest with myself (mostly) and others. I need to beat this before the lying starts. I need to beat this before it takes over my life again but I'm SO SCARED. I'm terrified. I used to say that I had no fears. Oh how young and naive I was then, I was scared, I just wasn't admitting it. I cannot let my fear paralyze me and allow ED to put up those walls again and cut the ones I love out of my life. I need to try and yet I'm still scared.


Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.