This Struggle

There are times when I passingly wish I was dead. There are times when I feel so full of life that I am bursting. Now is not one of the latter. For some reason my brain likes to think that death would solve all of my problems, that I would be free of my struggles and worries, that I would be at peace with myself and the universe. Well, as many have said, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. And I'm not saying that I want to kill myself, so don't take it that way, but my mind likes to send the thought through it every once in a while. So it's something I have to deal with. For some people this might sounds crazy and I realize that in the spectrum of mental health I'm probably not on the upper end. The important thing is that I recognize this and as long as I am recognizing this then I'm not too worried. I can still find reasons why my death would be more of a disaster and loss than anything else. I know that there are people who love me very much and care about me and I would never want them to go through the pain of something like that. So I keep forging on, praying that this will get easier, that I will be able to keep fighting off my demons. Life is not easy, nor is it fair and these are facts that I accept. All I am asking is for it to be a little more tolerable. Yes I am struggling now but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day I will not struggle as much. Since I have been home I have not always been entirely honest with myself and I am working on that. I do not know if there has been one day that I have been at my house when I have not spontaneously thrown up. It is so hard for me to admit this and I have to say that it is not just that I am here with my parents because it has happened when I have been home alone. Part of my problem admitting to this issue is the fact that it has been so often misunderstood as me purging. I am not purging, I just can't seem to stop myself from vomiting. (Sorry if this is triggering to any of you who are reading this.) The other thing that I need to admit is that I do not always make up for what I cannot keep down. Part of this is because I am afraid that if I do I will throw it up again and it will just make things worse. The other part is my eating disorder telling me that if I eat it then it counts whether I keep it down or not. So these are issues to bring up now in therapy and with my nutritionist. I know that it is important that I deal with this, not just because of the issues with food and that I am not following my meal plan technically if I am not keeping the food down, but also because I can feel the damage I am doing. Specifically the other day when I think I tore something. The chest pain I have been having for years now has been linked to this issue of not keeping my food down. Today I jokingly said that my body's expiration date may be sooner than expected and I know that this will be true if I do not address this and get help for it. The problem is the shame. Everything comes with the shame. I know that my therapist and team will not judge me but I judge myself and that is the worst. So I start with admitting it and the next step is to try to be a bit easier on myself. I would not judge someone else who struggled with the same issue and I deserve the same treatment I show others. Today (it is technically morning) I will work on accepting where I am and moving forward. 

Wishing, Wondering, Processing

Well the first week of school is over and I survived! That has to be good. So what have I learned so far? Well more than I would think actually, and I 'm not really talking about academics. I have learned to drop a class, albeit a gym class, without too much fuss. I have learned that maybe taking a fifth class this semester isn't such a good idea for my mental or emotional well-being. I learned that being at school might be the best time to delve deeper into my issues and work on the underlying cause of a lot of my struggles since I do not have to worry about the day-to-day surviving I do at home.

I know that I can't blame my mom for everything in my life but this summer I came to realize that she is a huge part of my problems. It is quite possible that I can't be healthy as long as I am around her. There is too much stress and emotional upheaval when around her. I realize that I resent her and every project she is involved in. I feel like she didn't really pay enough attention to me as a kid or the family as a whole. I know that she was older when she had me but that doesn't explain why she had the energy to carry out all these projects but she couldn't spend time with me that summer. I understand that the town needed her and the Grange project needed her too. I needed her. I don't think I've ever said those words about my mother. It's weird but I cannot recall ever really admitting to needing her. I don't like to need anyone. I want to be independent and independent people have no needs. I know that that statement is false but I can't help believing it and it has brought me much trouble. I need to learn that it is okay to accept that I have needs and that I can ask people for help. To ask for help always seemed to risky, it opened me up for attack. That was what I got when I opened up to my family. I was made fun of and belittled, so I learned to close off those doors and lock the windows. So now I have to learn to be vulnerable all over again. I am making progress. Slowly. I am learning to open up to those I trust and to trust again. It's a process, as is everything in life, a journey to take and I am but the explorer in uncharted territory.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we grow up we would no longer be vulnerable. But really to grow up is to accept vulnerability ... To be alive is to be vulnerable." -Madeleine L'Engles