Everything's Falling Apart

It seems like I'm just going backwards and falling back into patterns. First with the eating and how with the cutting. I can't stop it. I feel like crap. I know it's my choice but sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. It hurts. It hurts feeling alone. It hurts being home. I feel so lost and scared and confused. I just want everything to go away. I've been really depressed and thinking of suicide but I couldn't do that to my friends and my boyfriend. I just want to be better but I don't at the same time.

Grant Me Serenity

So what has been going on in my life? Well my chest pain has been on the rise as has ED. I started cutting again. Only one incident but it was not great. Life is still stressful and crazy. The family stuff isn't getting any better but I'm dealing with it. I'm trying to take things slowly but who knows what will happen. I haven't been on much so I haven't written in a while. Maybe that's part of the problem, that I haven't been able to get it out.