Everything's Falling Apart

It seems like I'm just going backwards and falling back into patterns. First with the eating and how with the cutting. I can't stop it. I feel like crap. I know it's my choice but sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. It hurts. It hurts feeling alone. It hurts being home. I feel so lost and scared and confused. I just want everything to go away. I've been really depressed and thinking of suicide but I couldn't do that to my friends and my boyfriend. I just want to be better but I don't at the same time.