Wishing this Feeling would Go Away

I can't stand it sometimes. I just feel so gross and ugly and fat. I just want to cut off the excess of fat on my body. Chop those body parts off and get rid of them. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I can't stand the fact that I am such a fatty. I know that I may not be actually fat but I can't help the way I feel. ED can add on so many pounds and I just wish I could take them all off. I feel like 120 is waaaaay too much for me. I want to be 100, 90, even 80. I can't stand the way I look and I am such a fatty. I eat too much and indulge in things that I do not deserve. I can't look in the mirror because all I will see is the fat. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I just can't stand to be in my body. I am so fucking fat. I hate how fat I am. My stomach is gross and my thighs are massive. I can poke my stomach and feel the fat. My boobs are too big and my waist too far around. I just want to go work out and collapse from fatigue because then I will be losing weight and will be punished for eating so much. I had such a big dinner and huge lunch. I should not have eaten today. I don't know why I eat so much. It is soooo bad. I fucking feel so fat.

The Day After Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving hasn't been that bad. I've been doing really well (though I haven't been posting much lately, oops). Yesterday was interesting. I never really like Thanksgiving because of all the food. Holidays are the worst. Food is such a central part of American holidays especially in my house. I was so stuffed yesterday and I hate that feeling. I feel like all I do is eat but I know that's not true. Though I am eating well and following my meal plan the thoughts and feelings still haven't gone away. I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look fat and ugly. I know that my view is distorted but still it's hard to argue with what I see. A friend said that I was lighter and smaller than most of the girls on his cheer leading team which was nice but I don't see it. I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't and that is really frustrating. I don't like feeling hungry but my hunger signals are coming back and it's terrifying. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to my eating disorder because it feels safe but I know that is not true. I know how harmful it is and how bad it is for me but I can't help it. I just want to feel safe and secure and ED promises that.