Gonna Try

Today I really came to the understanding that I need to make so major life changes. Yes I have know this before but I have been feeling myself slipping backwards again. I know that I cannot let things get bad again. I need to really focus on making TRUE friends. I have had a lot of difficulty with this lately. College has not been my friend in this area of my life. I feel lonely and disconnected. I am going to see about changing rooms so that I can live in a dorm with at least one good friend. This will hopefully encourage me not to isolate so much. I want to focus on school and work but also on having a life. I see people I used to be friends with all around campus and I see that they are spending time with people and I want that. I admit I am jealous of them. I don't really have a social life here and that just keeps me going down the path of loneliness, hopelessness and despair. I am crazy busy with work and things but I also need friends I can rely on for support. I am hoping to find this. I am going to really try to stabilize my life. I am making that commitment to myself.

Back to School

Well I am back at school and moved in to my room. I have had two days of classes and I am still alive. I made it through this summer at home. Being back has its pluses and minuses. I love my school but it can get stressful and there is less accountability with no one around to see that I am eating and not abusing the gym. So of course ED would decide that this is a good time to try to make a reappearance. The thoughts, feelings and urges have increased of course and I am finding it harder to ignore them and stay focused or distract myself. Having been back less than a week I am proud that I have yet to hit the gym. I have been cutting back on my meal plan and am making an effort to get back to where I need to be with that. This is my senior year and I am not going to let ED ruin this for me. I am going to have fun and enjoy my last year here, ED be damned. This is my life. I do not want to be struggling just to stay awake and survive. I cannot let ED control my life like he has in the past. I want to make every moment I have left at college count. I want to be functional. I am scared that things may get out of control and ED feeds on that fear. He feeds on my emotions saying that he knows how to deal with them. I know that he is wrong. I know there is going to be a lot of pressure and I am already freaking out about not having a job when I graduate in the spring. I have to stay in the moment or this fear will run wild and I will turn to ED for help and control. I need to accept that right now the future is uncertain but I know that I can and will finish my college career at the end of this academic year. Nothing is going to hold me back. I know that my determination can keep me going even if ED gets in the way but I do not want to be running on strength of will alone. I do not want to isolate myself the way I did last year. I do not want to feel so alone and little and scared. I do not want to see the hurt and disappointment in the eyes of my boyfriend and others I love should I relapse. I do not want to go through that pain again. It is hard walking around campus and seeing all the girls who are anorexically skinny. It is painful being jealous of them. I don't want to be but I can't help it. I do not want to walk around comparing myself to everyone I pass, judging who is skinnier and who is not. I am afraid to go to the gym because I know how much time I spent there and how much time and energy I wasted there last year but I am also scared of not going and getting fat. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach and the emotions that wash over me every time I bring food to my mouth. I hate the constant constant fear of everything. If I could only live without the fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I used to be the biggest liar on the earth. Now it seems I am afraid of everything, even things I know I don't have to be afraid of. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier if I just never existed but I know that is not the answer and that that would be the coward's way out. I know that I am a fighter but fighting something within myself is the hardest battle I have ever been in and I hate it. I hate that I hate myself and my body. I hate that I ever opened the door that let ED into my life. I cannot change that now. I have to live with it. I just want to be able to move on but I know that I will carry ED in some part of me for the rest of my life. The only thing to do is to figure out how to lock him up and keep him away from me.