Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

I Have a Name And It Is Not ED/Ana

I have a name and it is not ED, Anorexia, or Ana (though I am an Anna, two n's  not one, and not THAT ana). I have a name but I am not always that person. As I am continuing to work on recovery outside of treatment I find that it is much harder. There is no one around to watch me, no one to notice if I do not follow my meal plan, no one to check on me every hour, no one to stop me from exercising. Freedom is wonderful but it also means that I have the freedom to "engage in behaviors." (On a side note, I hat that term but I don't know how else to put it.) This freedom is a big responsibility. It means that I have to take charge of my recovery and that is an exciting but terrifying thing, partly because I don't know how much I really trust myself.

I know that in the past I have been a very good liar, both with myself and with others. If I want to get away with something, I will find a way to do so. However, I don't really want to get away with my eating disordered behavior and I KNOW I will not get away with fully engaging in my eating disorder. So what about just kinda, sorta engaging in it??? No. I know that I cannot do that either because there is no kinda, sorta engaging in it. There is no "just a few pounds," no "I'll just go back to it for a few days until I get where I want to be," no "I can just cut a few things," and no "forgetting" to have something or to follow my meal plan. These things are all signs that I am headed back to the dark place that I have worked so hard the past 5 to 6 weeks to change and overcome. Life now may suck because of my thoughts and moods but it is nothing compared the despair and hopelessness I felt before and the catch-22 I was in, nothing compared with the lose of self I experienced, nothing compared to the pain I was putting my loved ones in. So I keep working on reframing my thoughts, keep telling myself that I want recovery, keep on trying and sitting with the pain and discomfort. Because what else can I do? Yes I could engage but that would be pointless as I said. So I see my team and work on my issues to try to get back to who I really am, my values, my interests and learning and growing as a person. I am hoping that as I grow and learn who I am, things will get easier, slowly easier and maybe one day I will be happy and healthy and confident in my recovery and body.

Treatment Days

I'm sitting in the computer room at treatment on a website I'm not supposed to be on. I don't care. I have missed my blog and the sense of release and the ability to type out my feelings. Yes, I journal while here but for someone who is used to having her laptop whenever she wants it, not being able to blog is a huge adjustment on top of all the other adjustments I am having to make in my life. I wish that I could have my computer but I understand why we are not allowed to do so. Being back in residential treatment has been a difficult adjustment but I have settled in and met some amazing girls here. Yes there are the annoying and frustrating ones, the girls who engage in behaviors and trigger everyone else. There are the girls who do not follow the rules and the contraband smuggled in. However the overall feel here is nice now. Some major drama players have either been transferred or discharged and the place has settled into it's normal routine. While I am able to follow the meal plan and gain the weight they want me to, I am still having so much difficulty accepting the need for this weight gain and the changing body I am experiencing. I grieve for the body I once had, though it was unhealthy and unattractive, according to others. It is so hard to get past these feelings of self-hatred and loathing I have for my body. I know it will be a long process and it will be hard. I just hope that while I continue to work on feeling better about myself and my body I am able to remain on the track that I have begun and not slip back into old ways. 

Reflections Before Bed

Wow. So I have been really bad about posting here. I guess I have had a lot going on which explains why I have been lax in my blogging. A lot has happened since I was on here last. For starters, I have finished the semester. I made it! There were times when I was not sure if I would but I completed the year and just in time. I have been slowly and not so slowly slipping since I was discharged from Walden. While the time I spent there probably kept me able to be in school, it did not help me get back on track with recovery. I could say that I had so many external factors going against me this semester and that these were the cause of my relapse but that would not be entirely honest. I don't' think I ever really was able to deal with the issues that helped create my eating disorder. I was able to deal with the behaviors but the thoughts and feelings never went away. In someways it feels like this relapse was a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. My low self-esteem, a major contributor to my eating disorder, was talked about but I never actually changed the way I think and feel about myself. It doesn't matter that people say that I am a good person or that I should feel good about myself, the plain fact is that I do not like myself, I barely tolerate myself. If someone asked me why this is I don't know that I could answer that question. There are many times, in fact most of the time, I cannot stand being in my body. This is a common feeling among those of us who struggle with body image issues and eating disorders so the knowledge that this is an issue for me is nothing new. What I want to know is why I feel this way and the fact that I cannot answer that question is frustrating. So, although I finished the semester, I do not feel that it was an accomplishment or that I should be proud of myself for that. The fact that I was able to remain at school is just something that I know I had to do and there was no option of not finishing. Tonight my dad said to me that I am a judgmental person; I disagreed with him. But if I look at the way I talk to myself and the standers that I hold for myself especially, and for others at times, I'd have to say that I am. So, armed with this knowledge I approach a new chapter in my life. Once again, I am going to residential treatment for my eating disorder, this time as an adult.

My labs and vitals indicate that, currently, I am medically stable. This is good news, though surprising news, for me and my team. While I am medically stable, I am in the worst place I have every been with my eating disorder in terms of weight and thoughts. Being at school granted me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. There was no accountability and so I could get away with anything. Except I wasn't really getting away with it, I was just postponing the inevitable and now I have to face myself and really look at the way I talk to myself, treat myself and view my body. I cannot hide any longer. Although my eating disorder is constantly trying to convince me that I am okay, that I do not need treatment, that I do not want treatment; objectively I know how much I need it. I keep thinking, well no one can force me. My parents don't have that power anymore. But really who am I hurting by refusing treatment when I know I need it. I would only be making life more difficult for myself and everyone who cares about me and loves me. As scared as I am, I need to face the truth: I need help. Admitting that is frightening and difficult. As someone who likes to be in control, who is the caretaker not the caretakee, someone who does not like to be told what to do, I know it will be difficult giving up this control and trusting my treatment team. I also have to realize that I am not in control anymore, I don't know if I ever was. All I have is the illusion of control and a body that will start to shut down, if it hasn't started already. Tomorrow I see my therapist I saw in high school. I know that it is going to be difficult. I am ashamed to return to her worse off than I was when she first and last saw me. I am afraid that I will disappoint her even though I know that that is not the case and the person I have disappointed is myself. I cannot help but feel that I chose to return to my eating disorder, that it is my fault. I do not know what this obsession with placing blame is a result of or why it is so strong, all I know is that it is there. The standards I hold myself to are unrealistic and impossible to achieve so why do I hold myself to them? Why do I clearly set myself up to fail? Again, I do not know but these are questions that I need to explore in therapy so that I can accept myself and start to move on with my life. There is so much more I want to write and say and do but for now I need to get some sleep. In the morning, perhaps I will see with new eyes. Perhaps I will be magically better. I smile and think to myself, 'If only it was that easy.' Although tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, I know that the weight of today (no pun intended) will be there tomorrow, pulling me down, keeping me locked in a seemingly endless battle of wills with myself.

Thinking

So today was rather productive. I heard back from a few therapists. There is a therapist who seems good. I am working on setting up an appointment with her. I am taking steps to ensure that I do not go back to how I was before. Everyday gets harder it seems. I am constantly fighting with myself. I know that it is not myself that it is ED I am fighting but it does not feel that way. I want to be skinny. I want to loose weight. I don't want to look in the mirror and see this fatty staring back at me. However I have got to remember that ED is a lying bastard who can warp my mind. He follows me everywhere I go. It's like I can't escape him. I just want to be alone and not have him in my head 24/7. I am going keep going trying. I am going to keep on following my meal plan. I am going keep fighting. I will. I will.

Why do I have to be like this? I hate the constant fighting and back and forth. I don't want to tie myself to ED but I do. I don't understand why this is happening. It could be the depression or being home or it could be going back to school. Last semester was really difficult with friends and I'm scared the same thing would happen. I don't want to make friends just to have them stop being my friends. I'd rather not go through that again. I just want to get better. I really want to be better.

Making Plans and Checking them Thrice

Okay, sorry for the cheesy title it just came out. Things are starting to get better. I'm having lunch and breakfast and dinner and following my meal plan almost completely. This weekend I head back to school and I'm trying to plan ahead for support down there. I know that I can see my therapist at school 15 times a year. I really like her but if I start to relapse or slip I think I may need to see someone more often than that so I have started doing research on therapists in the area. I really want to find the right therapist. I have had soooo many in the past 6 to 7 years and I have only liked my current therapist. I know that it is important to find the right person.  I have been researching and sending out emails. I really want to do this right. I want to have backup if things go badly. I know that it will be really stressful. I'm only taking 4 classes, as of now, but I'm working and I have an independent study project I'm doing with my psychology adviser. I am also getting involved with more clubs and organizations. I really want to make the most of this experience because it only happens once. Life is crazy at school and I want to have someone I can go to if I need to. I know I have friends who are here to support me but I've had some really bad experiences with friends at college in the past so I really want to have a therapist I can go to. Now I just have to talk with the parents so I can get permission to see someone.

I really want to have a good year and I'm really scared that ED will mess this up. I had a really bad semester in the spring after a bad semester in the fall. Last year I had two sets of friends dump me and I now I'm scared to make friends because I don't want them to do the same. I spent weeks depressed because I had no one to talk to make friends. The friends I have now are going abroad in the spring. I guess I will stick to my groups. There are some great people there but one of the friends who is no longer a friend is in one of my favorite clubs. I am not going to let her keep me from it though. I am going to get through this. I will have a good year and I will enjoy it. I am not going to let last year stop me from having fun and meeting new people. I'm going to do this. I am going to do the best that I can.

"The key to change ... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash

"There are two mistakes along the road to truth ... not going all the way, and not starting." -Buddha