Thinking

So today was rather productive. I heard back from a few therapists. There is a therapist who seems good. I am working on setting up an appointment with her. I am taking steps to ensure that I do not go back to how I was before. Everyday gets harder it seems. I am constantly fighting with myself. I know that it is not myself that it is ED I am fighting but it does not feel that way. I want to be skinny. I want to loose weight. I don't want to look in the mirror and see this fatty staring back at me. However I have got to remember that ED is a lying bastard who can warp my mind. He follows me everywhere I go. It's like I can't escape him. I just want to be alone and not have him in my head 24/7. I am going keep going trying. I am going to keep on following my meal plan. I am going keep fighting. I will. I will.

Why do I have to be like this? I hate the constant fighting and back and forth. I don't want to tie myself to ED but I do. I don't understand why this is happening. It could be the depression or being home or it could be going back to school. Last semester was really difficult with friends and I'm scared the same thing would happen. I don't want to make friends just to have them stop being my friends. I'd rather not go through that again. I just want to get better. I really want to be better.