I don't Know What to Do

I don't know what to do. ED is coming back. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to  do this again. I don't want to go back down that road but I'm scared. I just want to starve. I want to starve myself and I know that's not normal. I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Why am I allowing this back into my life? What am I supposed to do? At least I have therapy tomorrow. What is wrong with me that I just to starve myself to death? Why do I feel like such a failure? Why can't I just be at peace? I need help.