Struggling and Thoughts

So it comes as no surprise to me that having a scale is a bad idea which leads to much unhappiness, however I cannot seem to part with the damn thing. I am constantly stepping on and stepping off. My day or night is determined by what that number is. If it goes down it's good, up is bad. So as I start to eat in preparation for treatment my weight goes up. It does not matter how much or little it rises, each time it does I feel that self-esteem I already have so little of fall a bit more. I would give anything not to care about weight or how my body looks in the mirror. I would give anything to be free of this obsession. I do not know how many hours, days, weeks, months, years I have spent thinking about food, weight and my body. It makes me sad that I am so consumed with these issues. As a child I used to have fun and have a life. Now I find myself unable to enjoy times with friends and family because I am so self-conscious and food is part of every meeting. I think about how I can make it look like I had more than I actually did, if there is a way to get out of eating. I always scan the table to make sure that I am the one having the least. There is a running count in my head, a table of body types. If I am the skinniest one there I can feel good, if I am not then I am a failure. All I want is to be normal but try as I might I keep being drawn back into this pattern. Now it is time to get help to work on this but even though I know deep down that I need to go and get help, I am still fighting with myself constantly because I do not want to go. I am scared and sad. I don't want to miss my summer but I have no choice. I need to spend this time focusing on me and my needs and I need to learn that that is okay. While in treatment I have many goals but I still plan on working on things for the outside world. I will bring my GRE books. I will continue to write and journal.  I will do reading. There is so much that I want to do and I will find a way to do it. I know that by bringing things to do to treatment I will have a chance to practice balancing what I need/want to do and what I am able to do. I will be able to test my boundaries and limits in a secure environment and this is something I am excited and scared to do. At school, I constantly seem to be running from one thing to another and I need to learn balance. I cannot do everything all the time. I need to learn to say no and speak up when I am overwhelmed and most importantly, I need to learn to ask for help and advocate for myself. The first step in this, I believe, is doing something about the nutrition information that is posted on all food in the dining halls and the Vermont laws that require restaurants and chains to post calories. This is my next step of advocating for myself since I know that if I go back to school and have to face the caloric content of every item all the time I will relapse. It sucks but I know I am not the only one with this problem and someone needs to stand up for us all. 

Reflections Before Bed

Wow. So I have been really bad about posting here. I guess I have had a lot going on which explains why I have been lax in my blogging. A lot has happened since I was on here last. For starters, I have finished the semester. I made it! There were times when I was not sure if I would but I completed the year and just in time. I have been slowly and not so slowly slipping since I was discharged from Walden. While the time I spent there probably kept me able to be in school, it did not help me get back on track with recovery. I could say that I had so many external factors going against me this semester and that these were the cause of my relapse but that would not be entirely honest. I don't' think I ever really was able to deal with the issues that helped create my eating disorder. I was able to deal with the behaviors but the thoughts and feelings never went away. In someways it feels like this relapse was a ticking time bomb that was just waiting to explode. My low self-esteem, a major contributor to my eating disorder, was talked about but I never actually changed the way I think and feel about myself. It doesn't matter that people say that I am a good person or that I should feel good about myself, the plain fact is that I do not like myself, I barely tolerate myself. If someone asked me why this is I don't know that I could answer that question. There are many times, in fact most of the time, I cannot stand being in my body. This is a common feeling among those of us who struggle with body image issues and eating disorders so the knowledge that this is an issue for me is nothing new. What I want to know is why I feel this way and the fact that I cannot answer that question is frustrating. So, although I finished the semester, I do not feel that it was an accomplishment or that I should be proud of myself for that. The fact that I was able to remain at school is just something that I know I had to do and there was no option of not finishing. Tonight my dad said to me that I am a judgmental person; I disagreed with him. But if I look at the way I talk to myself and the standers that I hold for myself especially, and for others at times, I'd have to say that I am. So, armed with this knowledge I approach a new chapter in my life. Once again, I am going to residential treatment for my eating disorder, this time as an adult.

My labs and vitals indicate that, currently, I am medically stable. This is good news, though surprising news, for me and my team. While I am medically stable, I am in the worst place I have every been with my eating disorder in terms of weight and thoughts. Being at school granted me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. There was no accountability and so I could get away with anything. Except I wasn't really getting away with it, I was just postponing the inevitable and now I have to face myself and really look at the way I talk to myself, treat myself and view my body. I cannot hide any longer. Although my eating disorder is constantly trying to convince me that I am okay, that I do not need treatment, that I do not want treatment; objectively I know how much I need it. I keep thinking, well no one can force me. My parents don't have that power anymore. But really who am I hurting by refusing treatment when I know I need it. I would only be making life more difficult for myself and everyone who cares about me and loves me. As scared as I am, I need to face the truth: I need help. Admitting that is frightening and difficult. As someone who likes to be in control, who is the caretaker not the caretakee, someone who does not like to be told what to do, I know it will be difficult giving up this control and trusting my treatment team. I also have to realize that I am not in control anymore, I don't know if I ever was. All I have is the illusion of control and a body that will start to shut down, if it hasn't started already. Tomorrow I see my therapist I saw in high school. I know that it is going to be difficult. I am ashamed to return to her worse off than I was when she first and last saw me. I am afraid that I will disappoint her even though I know that that is not the case and the person I have disappointed is myself. I cannot help but feel that I chose to return to my eating disorder, that it is my fault. I do not know what this obsession with placing blame is a result of or why it is so strong, all I know is that it is there. The standards I hold myself to are unrealistic and impossible to achieve so why do I hold myself to them? Why do I clearly set myself up to fail? Again, I do not know but these are questions that I need to explore in therapy so that I can accept myself and start to move on with my life. There is so much more I want to write and say and do but for now I need to get some sleep. In the morning, perhaps I will see with new eyes. Perhaps I will be magically better. I smile and think to myself, 'If only it was that easy.' Although tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, I know that the weight of today (no pun intended) will be there tomorrow, pulling me down, keeping me locked in a seemingly endless battle of wills with myself.

Angel

I realize how lucky I am. I know that I do not always appreciate it. My life is hard yes, especially with my family around, but I have something, or I should say someone, that many people do not have. I know that through thick and thin I have him, my boyfriend, my angel. He is there when I need him. He brought me to the ER when I was not responsive. He holds me and talks to me when I feel ED seeping through my thoughts. He is there when I want to cut and takes my razors from me so I won't do it. He lets me know that he is here and he will always be here for me. I do not know what I would do without him or where I would be. I am sooo grateful to him for all that he has done and all that he is to me. I love him and he loves me. For once I know what unconditional love from another human being is. Thank you Dan, my angel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c