Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

Treatment Days

I'm sitting in the computer room at treatment on a website I'm not supposed to be on. I don't care. I have missed my blog and the sense of release and the ability to type out my feelings. Yes, I journal while here but for someone who is used to having her laptop whenever she wants it, not being able to blog is a huge adjustment on top of all the other adjustments I am having to make in my life. I wish that I could have my computer but I understand why we are not allowed to do so. Being back in residential treatment has been a difficult adjustment but I have settled in and met some amazing girls here. Yes there are the annoying and frustrating ones, the girls who engage in behaviors and trigger everyone else. There are the girls who do not follow the rules and the contraband smuggled in. However the overall feel here is nice now. Some major drama players have either been transferred or discharged and the place has settled into it's normal routine. While I am able to follow the meal plan and gain the weight they want me to, I am still having so much difficulty accepting the need for this weight gain and the changing body I am experiencing. I grieve for the body I once had, though it was unhealthy and unattractive, according to others. It is so hard to get past these feelings of self-hatred and loathing I have for my body. I know it will be a long process and it will be hard. I just hope that while I continue to work on feeling better about myself and my body I am able to remain on the track that I have begun and not slip back into old ways. 

Reflections

Looking back at the years I spent deep in my eating disorder and struggling with self-harm, I find myself grasping for memories that do not seem to be there. Everything seems fuzzy and confusing. Blurry images and static are all that remains from that time. It is difficult to look back over the years of my life and not be able to recall, events, fond memories or anything but emptiness and it scares me. What was I doing with my life that I have lost years of living, years of memories? It makes me realize how much ED really took from me.

In those years where I was actively engaging in a relationship with ED and self-harm I completely lost myself in them. They became me and I them. Of course I have no memories to speak of as I was not myself, I was not Anna so Anna would not have those memories. With ED and self-harm by my side all I had to do was get through the day. There was no energy for anything else. It was all about surviving that moment. My focus was on food and cutting so even if I, Anna, was present in that moment all I would remember is food and cutting. Now that I am in recovery I want to make the most of my time. I want to make up for lost time and have experiences and make memories. I want to live to the fullest. I want to be myself and get to know who that is. I get to have adventures and try new things, something ED never let me do. I will work through my anxiety and not let it or ED hold me back. I don't want to look back on any more years and not be able to remember or see only fuzzy flashes of events. From now on I will do my best to just be.