Looking back at the years I spent deep in my eating disorder and struggling with self-harm, I find myself grasping for memories that do not seem to be there. Everything seems fuzzy and confusing. Blurry images and static are all that remains from that time. It is difficult to look back over the years of my life and not be able to recall, events, fond memories or anything but emptiness and it scares me. What was I doing with my life that I have lost years of living, years of memories? It makes me realize how much ED really took from me.
In those years where I was actively engaging in a relationship with ED and self-harm I completely lost myself in them. They became me and I them. Of course I have no memories to speak of as I was not myself, I was not Anna so Anna would not have those memories. With ED and self-harm by my side all I had to do was get through the day. There was no energy for anything else. It was all about surviving that moment. My focus was on food and cutting so even if I, Anna, was present in that moment all I would remember is food and cutting. Now that I am in recovery I want to make the most of my time. I want to make up for lost time and have experiences and make memories. I want to live to the fullest. I want to be myself and get to know who that is. I get to have adventures and try new things, something ED never let me do. I will work through my anxiety and not let it or ED hold me back. I don't want to look back on any more years and not be able to remember or see only fuzzy flashes of events. From now on I will do my best to just be.
