Courage, n. the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.
I find myself lacking courage lately. I have tried fighting this and I'm trying so hard. I am trying to fight ED but it's sooo so hard and a part of me doesn't want to. I want to live and yet I don't. It's like I'm split in two. I'm fighting myself. I know this is how ED works, how he operates. I know it's all tricks but I still believe him. I still trust him. I don't know why but I do. It just feels like I can't win. I'm overwhelmed and scared. I'm tired and lonely. All of the feelings I had three years ago and earlier are back. I don't want to eat. I want to go to the gym everyday and work until I drop. I want to run my body into the ground. I want to make it disappear; I want to disappear. Every day is so hard. Getting up, going to class, getting everything done that I need to get done. I feel like I have no time. I can't breathe. Everything feels like it's falling apart. I am away from home, things should be better. I hear so many of my friends are struggling and I'm jealous? I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I blame myself, and that is one of my biggest mistakes.
A bit over three weeks ago a friend tried to kill herself. I was the one there for her. She contacted me and I could tell there was something wrong. I called Campus Police, I rode with her to the hospital, I held her hand until her boyfriend showed up. I did my best to keep everyone involved up to date. This was important. And yet.... I feel responsible. I should have been able to tell that something was wrong. I should have checked up on her. I should have known. And worse, a week or less earlier, that could have been me. I keep asking myself, why wasn't that me? Why was it her? It should have been me being taken away. Maybe if I had tried to kill myself she would not have done so. But, I cannot blame myself. I could not have known. I did my best. I helped her as much as she let me help her and that is all I can do. Yet the guilt of this stays with me. One of my biggest struggles in my propensity to blame myself for things that are completely beyond my control. This is one of the major things keeping me from true recovery. I have tried to work on this but it's so hard and ED is so easy and ED seems like such a friend that I forget what He brings with.
I keep saying just a few pounds, just a few pounds but I know what that leads to. I know that just a few pounds becomes just my life. Sometimes I don't care that death may be the consequence. I keep saying I just want to be thin, but what is it that I really want? Why am I really heading back down this road? I went down it about a month ago and my boyfriend got me out and I'm headed there again and I don't care. I need to find that inspiration to get back on track but ED is soo persuasive and right now He's making sense. I need some comfort in my life and ED is right there saying I can come to Him for it just like I used to. I'm not drinking enough. I've started cutting back on food. I started going to the gym again today. Ed wants me to keep this up. ED wants me to go back to Him and He's convincing me that I do as well. I need to look at what I really want. I need to look at my needs and take care of myself but I don't seem able to do that. I wake up every morning and look at myself with disgust. I hate being in my body and I hate my body. I know that it is ED whispering these things in my ear, I know this but I lack the COURAGE to stand up, to stand in the rain. For now at least I'm still being honest with myself (mostly) and others. I need to beat this before the lying starts. I need to beat this before it takes over my life again but I'm SO SCARED. I'm terrified. I used to say that I had no fears. Oh how young and naive I was then, I was scared, I just wasn't admitting it. I cannot let my fear paralyze me and allow ED to put up those walls again and cut the ones I love out of my life. I need to try and yet I'm still scared.
Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
I find myself lacking courage lately. I have tried fighting this and I'm trying so hard. I am trying to fight ED but it's sooo so hard and a part of me doesn't want to. I want to live and yet I don't. It's like I'm split in two. I'm fighting myself. I know this is how ED works, how he operates. I know it's all tricks but I still believe him. I still trust him. I don't know why but I do. It just feels like I can't win. I'm overwhelmed and scared. I'm tired and lonely. All of the feelings I had three years ago and earlier are back. I don't want to eat. I want to go to the gym everyday and work until I drop. I want to run my body into the ground. I want to make it disappear; I want to disappear. Every day is so hard. Getting up, going to class, getting everything done that I need to get done. I feel like I have no time. I can't breathe. Everything feels like it's falling apart. I am away from home, things should be better. I hear so many of my friends are struggling and I'm jealous? I ask myself what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I blame myself, and that is one of my biggest mistakes.
A bit over three weeks ago a friend tried to kill herself. I was the one there for her. She contacted me and I could tell there was something wrong. I called Campus Police, I rode with her to the hospital, I held her hand until her boyfriend showed up. I did my best to keep everyone involved up to date. This was important. And yet.... I feel responsible. I should have been able to tell that something was wrong. I should have checked up on her. I should have known. And worse, a week or less earlier, that could have been me. I keep asking myself, why wasn't that me? Why was it her? It should have been me being taken away. Maybe if I had tried to kill myself she would not have done so. But, I cannot blame myself. I could not have known. I did my best. I helped her as much as she let me help her and that is all I can do. Yet the guilt of this stays with me. One of my biggest struggles in my propensity to blame myself for things that are completely beyond my control. This is one of the major things keeping me from true recovery. I have tried to work on this but it's so hard and ED is so easy and ED seems like such a friend that I forget what He brings with.
I keep saying just a few pounds, just a few pounds but I know what that leads to. I know that just a few pounds becomes just my life. Sometimes I don't care that death may be the consequence. I keep saying I just want to be thin, but what is it that I really want? Why am I really heading back down this road? I went down it about a month ago and my boyfriend got me out and I'm headed there again and I don't care. I need to find that inspiration to get back on track but ED is soo persuasive and right now He's making sense. I need some comfort in my life and ED is right there saying I can come to Him for it just like I used to. I'm not drinking enough. I've started cutting back on food. I started going to the gym again today. Ed wants me to keep this up. ED wants me to go back to Him and He's convincing me that I do as well. I need to look at what I really want. I need to look at my needs and take care of myself but I don't seem able to do that. I wake up every morning and look at myself with disgust. I hate being in my body and I hate my body. I know that it is ED whispering these things in my ear, I know this but I lack the COURAGE to stand up, to stand in the rain. For now at least I'm still being honest with myself (mostly) and others. I need to beat this before the lying starts. I need to beat this before it takes over my life again but I'm SO SCARED. I'm terrified. I used to say that I had no fears. Oh how young and naive I was then, I was scared, I just wasn't admitting it. I cannot let my fear paralyze me and allow ED to put up those walls again and cut the ones I love out of my life. I need to try and yet I'm still scared.
Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
"I know that it is ED whispering these things in my ear, I know this but I lack the COURAGE to stand up, to stand in the rain." Seems to me if you lacked courage you wouldn't have written this. Can you get to a twelve step meeting? Any open meeting would help, you can always identify as an addict. Reach out to your support network and your Goddess, She can help you with the feelings, you just have to allow Her to. You just have to take small steps, make a phone call, talk to another in recovery. The rest will come if you do just a little.
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