I Can't Fight This Feeling

I cannot fight this anymore. I am really struggling. I feel so guilty when I eat anything. I take every opportunity to go to the gym. I feel like I'm a total failure and completely worthless. I am depressed and cry myself to sleep most nights. ED's voice is in my head all the time and I cannot shut him out or shut him up. This was the case even in recovery so once again I believe him. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I am tired, so tired, all the time. I just want to give in and give up. All I want to do is curl up in my room and hide but I cannot do this for obvious reasons. I am sure that part of the problem is it's finals and I have a lot to do but this was bad before that. I cannot say that it came back when my friend attempted suicide because I was struggling before that. I was struggling on and off even before school started. Honestly part of it I think was the realization that I had been in recovery for three years this summer and that freaked me out. I don't know if that is the sole or main cause or factor but I know that I am not doing well and I don't want to admit it. I don't want to say that it is a problem. I do not have the time to have an eating disorder that needs treatment right now. I just don't. I have too much going on in my life to take the time to stop and get help for this. I have goals that do not include treatment. Writing this and reading it sounds crazy and my rational side can argue and say that those goals are the very reason that I need to get help but my mind is not rational right now. I am not myself. ED has just completely taken over and I am torn between wanting to get better and wanting to get worse. I know that as an adult I cannot be forced into treatment. I know that I have to finish this semester. I know that I have friends and family who love me and are worried. I know my boyfriend is in a lot of pain because I am not eating right. Yet none of it matters to me. All that matters is the anxiety I have about eating food. The fear of gaining weight. The belief that I am too fat. The need to lose weight and deny my needs. I am so scared of myself, of ED, of others, of what I am willing to put myself through. The self-hatred that I carry is huge and it scares me. I know that I am in a lot of pain right now and I don't know why or how to deal with it but ED does. ED is giving me the answers right now and I am listening because I am weak and scared. I know that I need to stop listening, stand up for myself and figure out what is going on but that is scarier than ED and I don't know if I have the strength right now. I am overwhelmed. I know what to do but I don't know how to do it.