Years ago I followed this image, chasing it wherever it went. Little did I know what the results would be. I followed the image through the mirror and down the rabbit hole. In this world ED was the ruler. His word was law. While I thought that three years ago I had escaped this world but today I find myself back down the hole. I am not really sure how I got here or why ED is being so aggressive. I have some thoughts as to the possibilities but I know it is more complicated than just one or two reasons.
I don't want to be listening to him and yet I do. I am finding it really difficult to separate myself from ED. I am living in his world and his reality. It's like he's taken over my life and I'm letting him. I feel weak because of this. I was doing fairly well in recovery but now I've given in again. All the time, money and resources I've spent and my family has spent on my recovery is now wasted. I don't really want to get "better" and don't need to because I have convinced myself that there is nothing wrong. I have control of my life. These are the things that ED is telling me/I am telling myself. Logically I know these are lies but I believe them. This knowledge makes it even more difficult. It has started to effect my relationship with my boyfriend and for that I feel horribly guilty. Almost everyday he and I now have a fight over my intake, working out, my appearance and worth, etc. and it makes everything so much harder. I know that ED is trying to split us apart and he's doing a pretty good job of it. My boyfriend is starting to question whether I love ED more than him and the pain that this causes is unbearable. I love him so much and to have him believe this is excruciating. I have been trying to fight ED but I just can't seem to do so. I am weak willed and it is affecting every aspect of my life. I know what I need to do but it is actually doing it that is so damn hard. I am fight first for the will to want recovery 100% because I know until I make that decision and commitment everything else is pointless.
Keep fighting. Nothing is wasted. We learn and grow from every experience, so please remember that all is not lost just because you are struggling. YOU CAN DO THIS. If you can't do it because you love yourself, then do it because you love your boyfriend. And he loves you more than ED ever can or will. It is NOT worth it. You deserve better. We both know that ED is a liar, that it will always tell you you are not sick enough, thin enough, bad enough, but at some point ENOUGH has to be enough. Don't let this ruin your life. Take hold of what energy you have left, and declare an end to this madness. I hate to hear you're struggling, but I know that you have more fight left than you give yourself credit for. You are strong, girlie. Use that strength for recovery. Love you and miss you and sending lots of hugs and prayers and positive thoughts your way. You are beautiful, so silence that bastard that tells you otherwise. <3 <3 <3
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