“Spirituality leaps where science cannot yet follow, because science must always test and measure, and much of reality and human experience is immeasurable.” Starhawk
“Through the Goddess, we can discover our strength, enlighten our minds, own our bodies, and celebrate our emotions.” Starhawk
“As women, however, we need to look very closely at these philosophies and ask ourselves the hard-headed, critial question, "What's in it for me?" "What does this spiritual system do for women?" Of course, the gurus, teachers, and ascended masters will tell us that, even by asking such a question, we are merely continuing in our enslavement to the Lords of Mind; that it is simply another dodge of the ego as it resists dissoulution in the All." Starhawk
I know that my body is not a place to carry out my war on the world or my family. It is not the ground for my struggle with any opposing force. I have been through the therapy and know these things rationally but it is difficult to apply rationality in daily life. As a human I am not just a rational being but an emotional being as well and right now my emotions are just crazy. Life is just crazy and I have really been struggling. I am trying to look for the things and reasons for to get better and stay in recovery. Currently ED is very loud and resistant to leaving me alone. I have seen my doctor twice in two weeks. I see her again in a week. My weight has been stable for the past two weeks. My vitals are beginning to be affected. I know I can't keep going on like this but Can't seem to stop either.
My doctor describes ED as a chronic disease which it is. I will have to live with this constantly and struggle with it. This knowledge makes me feel so hopeless about the whole thing. I don't want to be constantly battling my eating disorder. I don't want to have the comments constantly running through my head. I don't want to be thinking about calories, exercise, food portions and weight all the time. I spend too much time focused on numbers but I want to be more than just a number. I want to be more than my eating disorder. But at times I forget this or don't believe that it is really what I want. ED gets in my head and tricks me. I have a hard time distinguishing between myself and him. He convinces me that he knows best but I know he is wrong, so why does that not make ignoring him easier? The worst thing is that I know logically that it is bad and wrong but I keep using behaviors that will kill me if I do not stop. I do not know how to deal with this. I love my friends, family and boyfriend and do not want to cause them pain but I cannot explain what it's like to them. They will never understand, ever. They cannot understand unless they have been through it. They don't know how to support me in recovery and I don't know how to get support from them because I don't know how to make things better.
I have a hard time remembering what it was like before ED. I don't remember that child-like wonder and self-love. It seems to me that I have always hated my body and been filled with self-hatred. I guess the depression started before the eating and the depression reduced my intake then I started losing weight and loved it. Right now I'm not losing weight and I don't like it. I want to be skinny. People tell me I am skinny but I have so much trouble believing them. I wonder what is wrong with me and just become more depressed. The problem right now is I don't know how deep I am in which probably means that I am in too deep and need to get out and will need help to get out. But I don't know if I want that help. I am acting like I do to my treatment team but I am just so filled with doubt. I find myself doubting everything. Yet if I continue I will lose everything. and I don't want that. I just want to be beautiful. That is partly how this started but now I don't know how to finish it but it may finish me.
I don't want to die but I know that if I don't start getting better I will end up permanently damaging my body. I do not want this to happen, though it may already have happened. I need to work to find the motivation to get better. This seems so wrong that I have to work to eat and find the motivation to eat. Eating should be something that is natural. What happened to the world that this has become such a major problem? How did this happen? Life used to be so simple and now every day is a major struggle. I don't understand how this has gotten so bad. All I know is that ignoring ED seems impossible.
I wish I could say something to you to help. I too have often struggled with finding the motivation to recover. Now, I'm finally at the point where I know I truly want it, but it's still hard. But we will get through this. It's hard to conceptualize what recovery will look like, and so it's hard to want it. So we just have to trust, have faith that it will be so much more worthwhile than this struggle. You CAN do this. It's going to take making uncomfortable decisions, but the fact is you're not comfortable living like this either, so why not push yourself outside what ed tells you is your comfort zone? You are so not alone. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I know that you will get through this. Even if you have to remind yourself why you're fighting a million times a day, then keep fighting because YOU are worth it. For now, using your friends and family and boyfriend as motivators is great, but you need to tell yourself (even if you don't believe it yet) that YOU are worthy, deserving, beautiful exactly as you are. No one is perfect. Society is fucked over with this notion of what beautiful is because it sells magazines and clothes and other expensive stuff, but the fact is a woman is beautiful just because she is alive and connected to others and given a soul and a heart and a mind and, yes, a body. You are beautiful because you are a kind, compassionate, wonderful friend and because you are loved deeply and because you love deeply and because of a million other reasons that have nothing to do with weight or size. Please keep fighting hun because it doesn't always have to be like this. There is a life outside of ed and it will be so beautiful when you get there. It is a process-- don't give up on yourself. Sending lots of love your way <3
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