Okay, so while Gaston may not be a great guy in Beauty and the Beast, he does have some catchy lyrics which work for this situation because it IS time to take action, time to rally the troops so to speak. Well, the troops have already been rallied actually, my treatment team is working, minus my psychiatrist who will be changed soon hopefully. Calls have been put in and I am not the list for treatment. I received a call today asking if I could come down on Monday after which I promptly freaked out because I am not ready to go, I just got home from school and haven't dealt with all my laundry yet. Also there is my parents' schedule to think of. So it looks like I will be trying to go down the next Monday. This leaves me time to pack and prepare, to get labs done, to find out what I will need to bring, to get any questions I have answered, and to breathe and not freak out. This last part is really important to me because while at school I entered a program and it happened too fast for me and I think that really affected the effect of the treatment. So I will be spending the next week preparing.
Today I had a really great therapy session. Not only was it GREAT to see my therapist from home/high school but I was able to really take time before hand to think about treatment and what I want to get out of it and out of this summer. As someone who usually is so concerned with helping others and how others feel, who likes to be a people pleaser, this summer is going to be about ME. This past semester was hell and I really need to take care of myself and if people have a problem with that well too bad. I could say that what I am doing is selfish but that would not be me talking, that is ED telling me that spending time on myself is selfish and that SHOULD not do that. When I hear that "should" I know that it is coming from outside of myself. At this point in time I may not be able to see myself as worth much or worthy of this attention but at least I know that I am not seeing with the eyes I was born with, with eyes that are clear and unfiltered. This summer I aim to learn to separate myself from my ED and learn to recognize ED's voice and presence before it gets out of control. I aim to explore the question: who am I. I feel like I developed my ED as a way of dealing with the stress of my mother, school and the unspoken pressure to be perfect. ED replaced my mother as the task master in my life and I need to know, need to feel what it is like to have myself as the driving force in my life, to have my needs and wants made my priority. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want things to get messy and not freak out. I want to learn to deal with my emotions and not have a panic attack or feel the need to restrict or have my emotions so strong that I literally get sick. I want to learn to live, not just exist. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake and think of nothing but what it tastes like, how the texture feels in my mouth, how much I either like it or don't like it. I don't want to be thinking of the calories, to be calculating the desire to have the cake against the panic attack that comes after and the probability that I will not be able to keep it down. I remember how many times I had dinner with my friends this semester, and with one particular friend (if you are reading this you know who you are) and how envious I was of her ability to have a piece of cake. How messed up is that?! It is so frustrating that I am missing out on so much of life because of this disease and it is a mixture of guilt, shame and anger and hatred that comes up with I think about it. I need to learn to turn that anger and hatred towards the real perpetrator, ED. This is difficult though because, while ED has caused all of these problems in my life, ED has also served a purpose for a very long time and I need to learn to separate that part that wants to help me deal with stressors from the part that wants me to deal with stressors by turning to an obsession with food. These are all things that I want to work on this summer while I am in treatment and when I get out and they are things that I will probably be dealing with and learning to embrace for the rest of my life. As my wonderful therapist said who I am changes and that is okay but first I have to find out who I am without ED running my life. There is so much more I want to work on as well as this is just the beginning. But as I type these words I am thinking to myself, maybe there is hope. Maybe, just maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is the sun and maybe I can move on with my life.
"At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, oh
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/francesca-battistelli-lyrics/free-to-be-me-lyrics.html .]
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek, oh
And it's easy to believe even though
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You"
-Free to be Me by Francesca Battistelli
Today I had a really great therapy session. Not only was it GREAT to see my therapist from home/high school but I was able to really take time before hand to think about treatment and what I want to get out of it and out of this summer. As someone who usually is so concerned with helping others and how others feel, who likes to be a people pleaser, this summer is going to be about ME. This past semester was hell and I really need to take care of myself and if people have a problem with that well too bad. I could say that what I am doing is selfish but that would not be me talking, that is ED telling me that spending time on myself is selfish and that SHOULD not do that. When I hear that "should" I know that it is coming from outside of myself. At this point in time I may not be able to see myself as worth much or worthy of this attention but at least I know that I am not seeing with the eyes I was born with, with eyes that are clear and unfiltered. This summer I aim to learn to separate myself from my ED and learn to recognize ED's voice and presence before it gets out of control. I aim to explore the question: who am I. I feel like I developed my ED as a way of dealing with the stress of my mother, school and the unspoken pressure to be perfect. ED replaced my mother as the task master in my life and I need to know, need to feel what it is like to have myself as the driving force in my life, to have my needs and wants made my priority. I want to make mistakes and be okay with it. I want things to get messy and not freak out. I want to learn to deal with my emotions and not have a panic attack or feel the need to restrict or have my emotions so strong that I literally get sick. I want to learn to live, not just exist. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake and think of nothing but what it tastes like, how the texture feels in my mouth, how much I either like it or don't like it. I don't want to be thinking of the calories, to be calculating the desire to have the cake against the panic attack that comes after and the probability that I will not be able to keep it down. I remember how many times I had dinner with my friends this semester, and with one particular friend (if you are reading this you know who you are) and how envious I was of her ability to have a piece of cake. How messed up is that?! It is so frustrating that I am missing out on so much of life because of this disease and it is a mixture of guilt, shame and anger and hatred that comes up with I think about it. I need to learn to turn that anger and hatred towards the real perpetrator, ED. This is difficult though because, while ED has caused all of these problems in my life, ED has also served a purpose for a very long time and I need to learn to separate that part that wants to help me deal with stressors from the part that wants me to deal with stressors by turning to an obsession with food. These are all things that I want to work on this summer while I am in treatment and when I get out and they are things that I will probably be dealing with and learning to embrace for the rest of my life. As my wonderful therapist said who I am changes and that is okay but first I have to find out who I am without ED running my life. There is so much more I want to work on as well as this is just the beginning. But as I type these words I am thinking to myself, maybe there is hope. Maybe, just maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is the sun and maybe I can move on with my life.
"At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, oh
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/francesca-battistelli-lyrics/free-to-be-me-lyrics.html .]
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek, oh
And it's easy to believe even though
'Cause I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I got a couple dents in my Fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me and You're free to be You"
-Free to be Me by Francesca Battistelli
It sounds like you really have a good set of plans and goals, which is so important. Best of luck sweet girl. I know you can get there <3
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