Today royally sucked. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of urges. I think that for the first time I actually went through a binge/purge cycle. As someone who has always restricted this is extremely hard to admit and the shame of seeing my weight go up and down several pounds or more only made things worse. As I approach the time when I will enter treatment (still not 100% sure when but soon), it seems like ED tries harder each day to keep his hold on me. While I have stuck to ED behaviors the urge to wander into other possible addictions also leaves me wondering what is going on. Wave after wave of thoughts and urges leave me exhausted and confused. While the binge/purge behaviors take over my thoughts also wandered towards alcohol. While I am still several months under the legal limit my parents have enough alcohol in our house to do some serious damage. Only once or twice before in my life have I had the urge to drown everything in that "wonderful" poison, alcohol. I know that with my issues with addiction seeking solace in the bottle is out of the frying pan and into the fire as the saying goes.
Years ago, when my brother was dealing with issues related to alcohol, I made a promise to myself that I would not develop the same issues. Thankfully my stubbornness and that promise kept me from touching the stuff, both in the past when I have had urges to over do it and today. I only hope that I will be able to use my stubbornness to help deal with ED urges in the future. However, it is this stubbornness that ED also uses to his advantage. It is interesting that the qualities we have can be used to help us and hurt us. I know I still have a lot to learn about myself. I also know now that I have to be constantly vigilant because ED is a tricky bastard and even when I think I know every trick he can play, he still has a few up his sleeve that I do not know about yet. I also know that behaviors will increase when I am home and around my parents.
This house is toxic for me. Tonight I came to understand my eating disorder and what helped create it a little bit more. It is interesting what can click on that light and open our eyes so we have that "ah ha" moment. Tonight I watched my parent fight, not an uncommon event in our household. However what struck me was the fact that meal time was used by my mother as a way of getting back at my dad. She was mad at him for reasons I will not go into and so, though she had already decided that she did not feel well and so was not going to have dinner (a topic for another day and another post), she refused to sit down with him while he ate. My dad, being the guy that he is, was rather oblivious to the motivation behind my mother's lack of a presence at the table until I asked her if she was coming and then if she was mad. The whole situation was stressful and frustrating. Yet it was also eye-opening and has made me grateful that I no longer live here full time. School may be stressful and difficult at times but at least I am able to be in a healthy environment of my choosing. As I grow as a person and continue on the path to recovery I hope to be able to learn how to remove myself from situations that only hinder my recovery and health.
Years ago, when my brother was dealing with issues related to alcohol, I made a promise to myself that I would not develop the same issues. Thankfully my stubbornness and that promise kept me from touching the stuff, both in the past when I have had urges to over do it and today. I only hope that I will be able to use my stubbornness to help deal with ED urges in the future. However, it is this stubbornness that ED also uses to his advantage. It is interesting that the qualities we have can be used to help us and hurt us. I know I still have a lot to learn about myself. I also know now that I have to be constantly vigilant because ED is a tricky bastard and even when I think I know every trick he can play, he still has a few up his sleeve that I do not know about yet. I also know that behaviors will increase when I am home and around my parents.
This house is toxic for me. Tonight I came to understand my eating disorder and what helped create it a little bit more. It is interesting what can click on that light and open our eyes so we have that "ah ha" moment. Tonight I watched my parent fight, not an uncommon event in our household. However what struck me was the fact that meal time was used by my mother as a way of getting back at my dad. She was mad at him for reasons I will not go into and so, though she had already decided that she did not feel well and so was not going to have dinner (a topic for another day and another post), she refused to sit down with him while he ate. My dad, being the guy that he is, was rather oblivious to the motivation behind my mother's lack of a presence at the table until I asked her if she was coming and then if she was mad. The whole situation was stressful and frustrating. Yet it was also eye-opening and has made me grateful that I no longer live here full time. School may be stressful and difficult at times but at least I am able to be in a healthy environment of my choosing. As I grow as a person and continue on the path to recovery I hope to be able to learn how to remove myself from situations that only hinder my recovery and health.
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