Home?

Tonight I felt something that I have not felt in a long time. I felt fear, loneliness, lost, and homeless. Honest emotions, not related to my eating disorder or other issues. I caught myself wish that I could go home. Well the thing that made me sad was I am home, or what is supposed to be my home. Yet it does not feel like a safe place. It does not feel like a loving place. Yes we have laughs at times and we have fun sometimes but that is not the overall feeling of the place. No, it is full of tension and disagreement, anger and frustration. The controlling atmosphere is toxic. I feel myself going a little bit crazier every day and wanting to retreat further into myself. I see, understand completely why I am having so much trouble staying healthy here; it is not a healthy environment, not a loving environment. I try to get out of the house and distract myself, keep busy and not think about it but honestly, it does not help. While I still live here I will feel this way. I wonder how I will be able to come back here during school breaks. I feel trapped and suffocated. My defenses are constantly up. It feels unsafe to let emotions through. I keep trying and trying to fight these urges. I want to get better but it is so hard to do here. I just can't fight off everything. I just want to find peace and happiness and I can't do it here. I am overwhelmed and scared and I hate these feelings. These are feelings it has not been safe to share here for the longest time. I just don't know what to do for the rest of the summer. I can't let my eating disorder take over again, I know I can't. I don't want it to. I don't want to go back to treatment. I want to finish my last year of college. I want to get my degree and live on my own/with my boyfriend. I want to get married and have kids. I want a life. These are the things that I have to hold on to or I will lose myself in oblivion.