So I have been struggling a lot lately. I have not been following my meal plan exactly and my mental state is not the best. I know that my boyfriend is worried and if I am being honest with myself I am worried as well. I am trying hard but my mind is not my ally right now. I know that I need to continue working on reframing but I'm getting lazy about this. Well, it's time to shape up and recharge because I know that if I let it go and ignore it I will just slowly end up back where I was and I have school coming up. It's my senior year and I do not want to spend it fighting with myself and destroying my body. I know that I am very uncomfortable in my body right now and that my eating disorder is telling my that I weigh too much and need to lose weight. Well, F you, ED! You are not in charge of me. I am not going to use you as a means of communication with my mother. I do not need to destroy my body as a way to tell her that something is wrong. I do not need to hate myself any more. I do not need to fear being a woman. I do not need to shrink myself to deal with life. You have served your purpose and I am done with you. Yes, you helped me cope in high school but I am an adult now and I do not live with my mother. I am my own person. I am responsible. I am a student. I am a learner. I am curious. I have a lot of different traits and I will NOT allow you to take that away from me. I will not let you steal my personality. I will not let you hold me back. I want to LIVE MY LIFE and I WILL! This is my time. I have an amazing boyfriend and go to a good school. I will be a graduate in a year and I hope to have a job. I will be a person and not a shell of a being walking through life with as much awareness as a zombie. I will not blindly follow my eating disorder. I will stand up for myself, both within myself and with other people. I AM ENOUGH!!
Anna,
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love and prayers your way. I was just re-reading my blog posts from the beginning of my senior year of college last night, and they look a lot like this one. I had just left treatment and was vowing to do things differently but was still really struggling. And let me just tell you, it tore me apart, and I don't want you to have to go down that road. You are too amazing a woman to suffer like this-- tell that fucking eating disorder to fuck off. You DESERVE recovery and freedom and life. This is an amazing time in your life, and you HAVE to make the hard choices and take care of yourself and follow your meal plan even though it's the hardest and scariest thing ever. I know you are motivated and I know you want this. Take a leap and let yourself really WORK-- not that you aren't already working, just that I think you're scared and I'd hate to see that get in the way. Feel the fear, and then refuse to be run by it. I am praying so hard for you. I KNOW you can do this. You can have a wonderful, breathtaking senior year full of love and triumph and sweet, sweet memories. When your eating disorder tries to knock you over, REFUSE to go down that easily. You are a BEAUTIFUL, kind, thoughtful, smart young woman, and you can do ANYTHING you desire. It's not easy, but you're worth it. Sending hugs through the air <3
I believe in you, Anna. Always, no matter what.
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