Finding My Voice

Life is hard enough without having any disorder. There are always unexpected challenges and things thrown at you that you have to deal with. Being diagnosed with any ED means that you have to constantly be aware of what is going on, not just around you, but also within you. ED has a nasty way of sneaking back into people's lives. After so many years of hearing that voice it is so easy to slip into the ED mindset without realizing it. Being about a month and a half out of residential treatment I am still struggling a lot with the feelings and thoughts surrounding food and body. I still feel guilty any time something goes into my body. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate taking showers because I hate having to look at my body. It is really hard to fight that critical voice in my head and I will admit that at times I don't even bother trying because I am just so tired. However this does not mean that I have given up, it just means that I don't win every battle. It does not mean that I am relapsing, it just means that I am human. I am learning to accept the defeats along with the wins and know that each time ED scores there is something to learn and I can take pride in the wins even more. Recovery is not a linear process. I know this but knowing and believing and experiencing something are completely different. When I get knocked down I know how important it is that I do not stay down. I am learning to keep getting back up. Being at home is really hard as many people who know me know and acknowledge. My mother is not the healthiest person in the world and is very difficult to be around and even harder to be healthy around. I have to take the fact that my weight has remained stable (even if at times I don't necessarily want it to be) as a sign that I am stronger than she. I am not lying down and taking her bullshit anymore. I have learned to use my voice rather than my eating disorder and even if that gets me in trouble with her at times, it is SOOOO worth it. I don't have to starve myself to get my point across. Speaking up is another choice. Knowing that I am going back to school is helpful despite the fact that I have reservations about that as well. I understand myself so much more now that I have had the experience of living away from home. Being in a different environment has allowed me to see just how unhealthy the one I came from is. I am able to take what I have learned and experienced now and use it as a reality check. I do not have to react the way she wants me to anymore. I do not have to take the bait. I can remain calm and hold my ground. Not that I am successful in doing this every time but my eating disorder is no longer the means by which I communicate.