Three things that I find terrifying. Do you think that Dorthy, Scarecrow and the Tinman thought they would really come across a lion, tiger or bear? What we fear says a lot about who we are and how we deal with that fear even more. For a while now I have been in treatment at Walden first in the php program now in iop. Lately I have been asking myself is this really helping me and I do not think it is. However I know that I have to really examine this question and figure out if I am running from treatment because I do not want to get better or if there really is nothing worth going there for. Now I have done a lot of DBT work in various places for various reasons and Walden is heavy with the DBT. I am spending about 80 minutes on a bus round trip to spend three hours in treatment on something that I could teach a course in and while it is good to get the support of peers and staff I do not think this is what I need. Yes I'm scared of recovery, my meal plan, gaining the weight I need to regain but these are all things I am working on and taking baby steps. I know that this is a disease that kills and I am working on taking a step or two back and really looking at what is going on within me. However this is not something I can do at Walden. This is something I can do with my therapist and something I want to do with her and have begun doing. My life is crazy right now and there is lots going on but I am learning to take breaks, to say no and to find out what it is that I want to do. I'd say that's a pretty big first step.
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