This is my life. I guess someone who reads this blog contact residential life at my school to inform them of my self-harm problems. Not that I don't appreciate the fact that whoever you are, you care but it would have been nice to talk to me first. Anyway I don't particularly want to dwell on that.
Life has been crazy and ED/Ana has been really happy and excited. I am trying to fight as hard as I can but it is SOOO hard. I am so tired of fighting all the time. Sometimes I just want to give in just to have some peace but it's not real peace. Why does this have to be so hard?! I hate how I feel. I hate the voices arguing in my head like world war three is happening in there. I want to be skinny. People say that I am skinny, too skinny. But I can't see it. I cannot see it and I wish I could. I wish this constant anxiety would relent for just a few minutes, seconds even. I am sick of feeling so alone and scared. ED/Ana tells me I'm not alone, that I have them but they make me feel even more alone. I know what I need to do and I am trying to do it but it is so hard to eat. I want my life back. And yet I don't. I want to be free. And yet I don't. I am constantly torn in two. I hate this so much. I don't want to go back into treatment but I feel like I am going to be forced back. I am so confused and tired. I just want this all to be over and for me to get back to my life. Goddess help me please.
Life has been crazy and ED/Ana has been really happy and excited. I am trying to fight as hard as I can but it is SOOO hard. I am so tired of fighting all the time. Sometimes I just want to give in just to have some peace but it's not real peace. Why does this have to be so hard?! I hate how I feel. I hate the voices arguing in my head like world war three is happening in there. I want to be skinny. People say that I am skinny, too skinny. But I can't see it. I cannot see it and I wish I could. I wish this constant anxiety would relent for just a few minutes, seconds even. I am sick of feeling so alone and scared. ED/Ana tells me I'm not alone, that I have them but they make me feel even more alone. I know what I need to do and I am trying to do it but it is so hard to eat. I want my life back. And yet I don't. I want to be free. And yet I don't. I am constantly torn in two. I hate this so much. I don't want to go back into treatment but I feel like I am going to be forced back. I am so confused and tired. I just want this all to be over and for me to get back to my life. Goddess help me please.
Still loving you and supporting you. All parts of you. I do not see any of you as bad. You are whole.
ReplyDeleteRefuse to take orders from a disorder. You are not alone, but it's your friends, your family, your boyfriend who are here for you, NOT your eating disorder. You said that this is your life, so it is up to you to take it back and fight for it. I know how exhausting it is, and the fact is it isn't fair. You don't deserve to have to suffer like this. But use that as motivation to fight, not as a reason to give up. You have a choice about how to go forwards from here. You can defer to your eating disorder or you can muster up all your courage and give it a fight. I am really proud of you for knowing that what you're doing isn't healthy--that's a step. Next step is to take tiny steps towards the goal of recovery. You are worth the constant effort. Your life is worth the effort. I am fighting alongside you-- I want to give up, too, but I know I can't. Let's fight this battle together. Sending love and prayers your way <3 Here for you any time. I think you have my cell, but facebook me if you don't and I'll give it to you. Love you sweet girl <3
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