Struggling to get my eating disorder under control has stirred up my other demon, self-harm. Now I have neither under control and I'm fighting both constantly. I feel completely unstable. At least while I was in my eating disorder state I had the other under control. I feel completely ungrounded, like I'm floating in darkness, lost and insecure. The depression is back. I can feel it in my mind, body and soul. This thing taking over and I no longer recognize the person I have been since entering recovery a bit over three years ago. I'm scared by what I know I am capable of. I feel like screaming but I can't find my voice and so I scream in the only way I know how, lashing out against myself. I isolate and hide so that no one knows what is going on. Long sleeve shirts cover up cuts and bones. I don't know why this is all rushing back now. It's like I'm back where I was four years ago. What lesson do I need to learn this time? What has brought me back to this place of darkness and despair? How do I escape the same fate that befell me last time?
KEEP WORKING AT IT!!! I am proud of you for addressing this and not shoving your head in the sand. Of course, it gets harder before it gets easier. But you WILL get through this. I am praying for you and thinking of you and I know that together, we will chase our demons out of our lives. You are never alone, dear. You are a beautiful, worthy young woman, and I know that one day you will see that. Love you to pieces <3
ReplyDelete