It's been a while and I'm still falling

I haven't written here in a while. I've been really busy with school, work and my boyfriend came to visit this weekend. As great as it was to see him and as supportive as he is, I still feel like I am wavering in my desire for recovery. I know it's an uphill battle and it is not easy but why does it have to be so HARD? I am feeling so tired all the time. I know that part of that is because of ED/Ana but part of it comes from fighting. I am tired of fighting. I know that I need to keep fighting and I will but some days I just feel like I need a break. If those tempting days where I need and take the break become too many then I know that I will be right back where I was and have to struggle all over again and that it will be even harder this time. I know it is okay to make mistakes but I also know that I do not have much wiggle room with this because I will be kicked out of school if I cannot get this under control which just makes the stress that much greater. I want a break. I want to just not think about food, calories and numbers. I hate numbers. I hate them so much. Why am I allowing numbers to rule my life? I do not understand why this is happening again. If I cannot understand how can anyone else understand? It just feels so hopeless. Is this how my life will be from now on? Never knowing when I may relapse? I don't want that. I want to have a life. I want to be free from these feelings. I am just having a tough time now but the storm will pass. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I can do this because the other option is not acceptable.