Craziness

Wow. It's been a few days since I've written and that isn't good. I've been crazy busy. I'm lucky that I got to see my dearest three days in a row this weekend. We went out to dinner with his work friends on Friday and ended up back at one of his friend's house for drinks. It was a lot of fun and I think that they like me. I really enjoyed myself and liked meeting new people. It was nice to meet his friends from work. Then Saturday we crashed the graduation party of my godparent's son. It was cool but kind of awkward. We spent a good bit of time there. While there I started having chest pains again which freaked me out though I tried not to show it and did so successfully except Dan saw and was also worried. After that we just hung out at his place which was nice and relaxing before we went to spend Father's Day with my Grammy and Grampy in St. J. It was a very busy weekend with a lot of stress. I'd like to say I survived it well but it was definitely a struggle. Things have been getting harder and harder. I don't know if this is as a result of the Renfrew Reunion or if that just released all these urges, struggles and other hidden thoughts and feelings. I'm thinking the latter. I never really got a chance to work on reducing the thoughts and urges. This is very difficult I know and I just don't know how do deal with it. I've been doing well but I feel like it is a superficial wellness that could crack, has cracked, at any time. Being back home has put me in the environment I developed my issues in. It has gotten better in some ways but worse in others. Everyday I'm terrified that I'm getting closer to falling backwards. Sometimes I can feel myself doing it. I guess that it is good that I can feel myself doing so because that means that I am still connected and outside my eating disorder and other issues that I can recognize when I'm slipping. I guess when I have to worry is when others say I'm slipping and I disagree but that would necessitate that others be aware that I'm struggling and see that I'm going backwards. Dan has been really good with keeping me on track and with him I don't want to lie or hide so I know that I can count on him but I don't know of anyone else I can rely on like that. I'm scared.