Struggling Thoughts

I don't know what to do. I've been trying really hard not to give in but I can't help it. I don't know if I can fight it anymore and I'm not sure I want to. I miss ED and I kind of want him back. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and scared. I just feel like giving up sometimes. Lying in my bed at night thoughts come to me and more and more the wish to just die comes. I fight it but sometimes I just feel so hopeless and other times I feel hope that I can go back to ED. I am torn and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell anyone but I might need help. I don't want to my family to know. I am so scared. I know that I need help but I can't let my parents know. I just can't. I'm also having more chest pain. More frequently though not lasting as long. I just want everything to be over.