Drink Me

In Alice in Wonderland she drinks the potion that shrinks her. I was reading Alice in Wonderland last night before bed and thinking about this. What is this obsession with shrinking and growing? Why does everyone want to be so small? Why do I want to be so small? Why do I want to disappear so badly that I am willing to starve myself to do so? I do not understand it. I just want to be happy. ED says that I can be happy if I lose weight I will be happy, but I know he's a liar. I know that he is a liar and yet I listen, why do I listen? Why do I believe him? I don't want to believe him. I don't want to do what he says and yet I do. Life is waiting for me and ED is standing between me and life. So what do I do? Well for starters I put together my team. I get a nutritionist, contact school nutritionist on to-do list; I see a therapist, contacted and seeing; I contact and see my psychiatrist, done; I see my doctor at home, also done; and I see up weigh-ins at school, again on to-do list. Okay so I have my team in place but ED has called for back up. He's go his favorite weapon, the Scale, which I can't seem to give up yet. Then he's got Ms. Perfectionist, Mr. Self-Doubt, Ms. Depression and a whole crew of others. It's a battle between the two teams and what are we fighting over? My life. So that little bottle that says "Drink Me," well I started drinking it. Now I have to ask myself if I am willing to put the bottle down and take a bite of the cake that says "Eat Me" and honestly I do not know which way it will go right now.

I want to do my best. I want to fight. I am trying. I want to live my life and be happy. Life is waiting for me and I and want to live it. I don't want be like this but the anxiety of eating is so bad. I hate how I feel even without eating but when I eat it is even worse. I look at myself in the mirror and hate every inch of my body. I need to learn to stop being so critical but how? I guess I should cover the mirrors in my room but it's so hard because I know how much ED loves the mirror. I want to return to recovery this year. I want to make this year different from last year. Life is going to be different. I am going to be different. I am. I am I am.

Negative Energy and a New Year

"Through the Goddess, we can discover our strength, enlighten our minds, own our bodies, and celebrate our emotions." Starhawk

I know that I have just used this quote in my last post but I would really like to take some time to reflect on what this means. In struggling with my eating disorder I am denying myself more than just food and the nutrients that comes with it. I deny myself the energy to get things done, to have fun, to  live my life. I deny my needs and say that they are not important, that they can be set aside as easily as one casts away junk mail. I am denying my very right to exist. In not eating and working my body beyond the point where it can safely maintain itself I am seeking to disappear, to become unseen, unnoticed, invisible. I have to ask myself why, why is it that I allow myself to continue down a path that I know deep down holds only pain, betrayal, anger, frustration and so much more. What is going on within me or in my environment that has fostered the right condition for such self-hatred? Growing up Catholic I was always taught that we are made in the image and likeness of God, with the capital g, and as such are we not god-like ourselves? But no with the sin of two people we were supposedly cast out of paradise and made to live a harsh life. I do not claim to be a theologian but this does not seem like the act of a loving god. The old testament, actually, shows an angry, vengeful god who deals out punishments to his people for disobeying his laws. I think that this punishment is what I really took away from my religious education classes and this is what I experienced at home. As a child I was filled with so much fear that I hid things and did things in secret so as not to be punished for being myself. I do not seek to criticize any religion but for me, I need to work on my relationship with the goddess. I think that I have allowed the daily difficulties of life to get in the way of time spent in reflection. This is not wholly my fault. There has been a lot of negativity this past year and that is what I need to work on first.

Negative self-talk is a major problem. I can never seem to shake the critic in myself. I do not use the same critic when talking or thinking about others so why am I so hard on myself. I do not know the answer but I would like to make a fresh start this year. I am going to try to reduce this negative self-talk. I am going to work on staying positive and not letting myself get bogged down when things get difficult. This past year I had to deal with a lot of shit and I need to work on cleaning up the wreckage that was left in it's wake. Included in working on the negative self-talk, I need to start taking a step back from other people's lives. I love my friends but I seem to make friends with people who have a lot they are dealing with and I have learned that, though some day I may become a therapist, at this moment I am not equipped to handle all of the worries and trials of my friends. I need to learn to set boundaries if others are unable to set healthy boundaries themselves. I need to learn that it is okay to say no and that I need to take care of myself before I can even think about taking care of others. I have known this for a long time but this year I am making it a goal, a priority to carry the knowledge into action.

Boundaries themselves have always been difficult. I never seem to be able to have healthy boundaries with friends. I need to be able to say no, to define what is and is not appropriated in a friendship. So this year I am going to work on boundaries. Already I have been trying to set up strong boundaries with my mother. In the past we have had a lot of issues and I have felt that she is often invading myself, my very being. I have felt crowded by her and have been working to not let her get through my defenses. I have to do this before I can get better along with many other things. This is just the beginning. I know I have a lot of work to do and a lot of reflecting to do. I am going to make a commitment to take time each day to reflect and grow closer to my goddess and to myself.

"What the caterpillar calls the end the of the rest of the world calls a butterfly." Lao Tzu