When the Lights Go Out

So looking back on the past week or so I realize that I've been depressed lately. I guess I still am but now that I recognize it I can work on turning on the light. I know that I have been struggling with ED and I've had a few instances of self-harm. I need to find ways to deal with these things. I need to work on dealing with my emotions and identifying them. I don't really understand how this happened. I thought that I was doing really well but I guess that I let my guard down and ED and self-harm saw the opportunity to come back into my life. Maybe it's just because I'm home around my family in which case I hope it all gets better when I go back. However I cannot expect a change in location and environment to change everything. I have to work on this. I cannot be blind-sided by my depression again. My plan: 1) start journalling/blogging, 2) talk to friends/family, 3) take time for myself, 4) relax, yoga, meditate. I will do better. I want to work on it. I want to be better. Most of the time. I am really fighting myself on this but I know that it's not myself that I'm fighting but my disorder/disease and I just have to keep reminding myself that that part that says it's me is not. I can do this and I will.

Pains and Anxieties

Two trips to the ER in one week. Chest and abdominal pain for one and lethargy for two. The second trip resulted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. I'm not sure what caused the anxiety. Life has been crazy. With everything going on ED has been really active and trying to get me back. Hopelessness and fear have returned and I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this. My family is not being all that supportive. I guess it makes sense because of the stress at home but when I'm with my boyfriend things are great and I was with him when it happened. Although when I am with him I let myself feel my emotions and my walls come down so that could be why it happened. Everything just seems so complicated and crazy. I wish it would all go away and my body would be okay. I'm really scared and just want to be okay. My self-harm is also trying to come back but I know why this time. I know it's because of the stress of my medical/emotional state. I know it's because I'm home with my family and stressed out. So now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this.

Well a good first step would be to stop questioning the diagnosis for the chest/abdominal pain because that will only make me go crazier. Then I need to work on how to relax and practice some deep breathing. Now that I have my stitches out I can start doing some light exercising and basic yoga which should help a lot. Then I need to work on recognizing my emotions and dealing with them in the moment so they do not build up and manifest in physical ways. When I go back to school I need to start seeing a therapist again. It is good that I am not overloading myself at school. Life will get better. I have to believe that.