At War

Ugh. So I realize I have been away for a long time. I've been very busy with various things and as there are only a few more weeks in the semester continue to be so. However I am also fighting the everlasting battle. I am really struggling. I don't know what to do. I know I need to eat but I am still having trouble keeping food down. Yeah it may just be in my mind but I don't know how to control it. Also I'm scared of food and eating. I hate myself for eating and feel like a total failure. I don't know my weight but I know that I was on a downward trend for over a month or so that has just barely started to turn around and that's scaring me too. I don't want to gain weight. ED wants me to lose weight and not eat. I hate going out in the cold to get food but I am always hungry, something I hate to admit. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cannot stand being in my body and I feel like I'm trapped with no way of doing anything. I just want to be free. I want to be free of the oppressive guilt I have every time I take a bit of something.

Gonna Try

Today I really came to the understanding that I need to make so major life changes. Yes I have know this before but I have been feeling myself slipping backwards again. I know that I cannot let things get bad again. I need to really focus on making TRUE friends. I have had a lot of difficulty with this lately. College has not been my friend in this area of my life. I feel lonely and disconnected. I am going to see about changing rooms so that I can live in a dorm with at least one good friend. This will hopefully encourage me not to isolate so much. I want to focus on school and work but also on having a life. I see people I used to be friends with all around campus and I see that they are spending time with people and I want that. I admit I am jealous of them. I don't really have a social life here and that just keeps me going down the path of loneliness, hopelessness and despair. I am crazy busy with work and things but I also need friends I can rely on for support. I am hoping to find this. I am going to really try to stabilize my life. I am making that commitment to myself.

Back to School

Well I am back at school and moved in to my room. I have had two days of classes and I am still alive. I made it through this summer at home. Being back has its pluses and minuses. I love my school but it can get stressful and there is less accountability with no one around to see that I am eating and not abusing the gym. So of course ED would decide that this is a good time to try to make a reappearance. The thoughts, feelings and urges have increased of course and I am finding it harder to ignore them and stay focused or distract myself. Having been back less than a week I am proud that I have yet to hit the gym. I have been cutting back on my meal plan and am making an effort to get back to where I need to be with that. This is my senior year and I am not going to let ED ruin this for me. I am going to have fun and enjoy my last year here, ED be damned. This is my life. I do not want to be struggling just to stay awake and survive. I cannot let ED control my life like he has in the past. I want to make every moment I have left at college count. I want to be functional. I am scared that things may get out of control and ED feeds on that fear. He feeds on my emotions saying that he knows how to deal with them. I know that he is wrong. I know there is going to be a lot of pressure and I am already freaking out about not having a job when I graduate in the spring. I have to stay in the moment or this fear will run wild and I will turn to ED for help and control. I need to accept that right now the future is uncertain but I know that I can and will finish my college career at the end of this academic year. Nothing is going to hold me back. I know that my determination can keep me going even if ED gets in the way but I do not want to be running on strength of will alone. I do not want to isolate myself the way I did last year. I do not want to feel so alone and little and scared. I do not want to see the hurt and disappointment in the eyes of my boyfriend and others I love should I relapse. I do not want to go through that pain again. It is hard walking around campus and seeing all the girls who are anorexically skinny. It is painful being jealous of them. I don't want to be but I can't help it. I do not want to walk around comparing myself to everyone I pass, judging who is skinnier and who is not. I am afraid to go to the gym because I know how much time I spent there and how much time and energy I wasted there last year but I am also scared of not going and getting fat. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach and the emotions that wash over me every time I bring food to my mouth. I hate the constant constant fear of everything. If I could only live without the fear. I used to say that I was afraid of nothing. I used to be the biggest liar on the earth. Now it seems I am afraid of everything, even things I know I don't have to be afraid of. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier if I just never existed but I know that is not the answer and that that would be the coward's way out. I know that I am a fighter but fighting something within myself is the hardest battle I have ever been in and I hate it. I hate that I hate myself and my body. I hate that I ever opened the door that let ED into my life. I cannot change that now. I have to live with it. I just want to be able to move on but I know that I will carry ED in some part of me for the rest of my life. The only thing to do is to figure out how to lock him up and keep him away from me.

Oh who am I and where will I go????????

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” 
― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” 
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

“we accept the love we think we deserve.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

My mind feels like it is going everywhere at once. There is no one thread that links my thoughts. I am here and there. I am tired and exhilarated at the same time. I am everything and nothing. I want to be happy and healthy and whole but I feel broken into tiny pieces and I don't even know if they are all there to put me back together again. I guess for me this is part of the process of recovery. I know that ED/Ana broke down and apart the person that I was. I do not even know who that person was. I do not fully know who I AM and for someone who likes to be in control of things, that is a scary feeling. I know that I can decide who I am and who I choose to be but I am a very indecisive person. With ED/Ana I knew exactly what I did and who I was. I was the girl who did not eat, who went to the gym for at least an hour, more often an hour and a half. I was the girl who stood on the scale multiple times a day. I was the girl with the incredible self-control. I was the girl who was envious of everyone around me. I was the girl who was here but was not really here. I was the girl who was terrified of her own shadow and so sought to make that shadow disappear. There was certainty with ED/Ana, a clear and definite path. Now I have hips. I have breasts. I take up space. I am messy and dealing with messy emotions. I have thighs. I have power and a voice. I have a body. But I do not have a set path anymore. I do not have the clear rules. I do not have the defined categories. I feel like my life is unraveling but in reality, it is just beginning.

I am no longer chained to death. I have free will. I have choice. I have a chance at life. I can be free of fear of food. I still feel that pull towards that old path but I know I don't have to go down it. Instead, I CHOOSE to go to school, to take classes and throw myself into my course work and my job and my friendships and relationship with my boyfriend, to in essence throw myself into life. I am getting ready to go back to school and this will be a new beginning, a chance to make the most of my final year at school. I don't want to waste time on ED/Ana. I am going to choose health, happiness and recovery.

Finding My Voice

Life is hard enough without having any disorder. There are always unexpected challenges and things thrown at you that you have to deal with. Being diagnosed with any ED means that you have to constantly be aware of what is going on, not just around you, but also within you. ED has a nasty way of sneaking back into people's lives. After so many years of hearing that voice it is so easy to slip into the ED mindset without realizing it. Being about a month and a half out of residential treatment I am still struggling a lot with the feelings and thoughts surrounding food and body. I still feel guilty any time something goes into my body. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate taking showers because I hate having to look at my body. It is really hard to fight that critical voice in my head and I will admit that at times I don't even bother trying because I am just so tired. However this does not mean that I have given up, it just means that I don't win every battle. It does not mean that I am relapsing, it just means that I am human. I am learning to accept the defeats along with the wins and know that each time ED scores there is something to learn and I can take pride in the wins even more. Recovery is not a linear process. I know this but knowing and believing and experiencing something are completely different. When I get knocked down I know how important it is that I do not stay down. I am learning to keep getting back up. Being at home is really hard as many people who know me know and acknowledge. My mother is not the healthiest person in the world and is very difficult to be around and even harder to be healthy around. I have to take the fact that my weight has remained stable (even if at times I don't necessarily want it to be) as a sign that I am stronger than she. I am not lying down and taking her bullshit anymore. I have learned to use my voice rather than my eating disorder and even if that gets me in trouble with her at times, it is SOOOO worth it. I don't have to starve myself to get my point across. Speaking up is another choice. Knowing that I am going back to school is helpful despite the fact that I have reservations about that as well. I understand myself so much more now that I have had the experience of living away from home. Being in a different environment has allowed me to see just how unhealthy the one I came from is. I am able to take what I have learned and experienced now and use it as a reality check. I do not have to react the way she wants me to anymore. I do not have to take the bait. I can remain calm and hold my ground. Not that I am successful in doing this every time but my eating disorder is no longer the means by which I communicate.

The Reality of an Eating Disorder

Having left treatment at a healthy weight and being on a maintenance meal plan I sometimes, okay maybe more like daily, find myself thinking back to the body I had before treatment and where I was headed with ED. Idolizing that body is unhealthy and sick, I know, yet I can't help doing it. My brain is constantly comparing where I am in terms of weight and shape and size now and pre-treatment. When I see people on the street or anywhere who are skinnier than I am (or skinnier than I perceive myself as being which, face it, is most people) I get really jealous. When I see someone who is clearly unhealthy and anorexic I envy them. "It's not fair," ED says, "that person gets to be thin and bony while you have to be fat and ugly. I wish I could be like that. You really don't need to eat. You can restrict. Just cut out one item or food group a day and you too can look like that. Just a few pounds wouldn't hurt, right?" WRONG! A part of me sees the "WARNING. DANGER DANGER DANGER" signs going off. But ED always has an argument prepared to counter my rational self: It really wasn't that bad. My vital signs were still good. My blood work wasn't really off. I could still function. I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's not like restricting is dangerous. If I eat just enough to keep me going, that's fine. Hey, food isn't really that important. You've done it before. It won't kill you. Your team is just lying and wants you to get fat. I know what's best for you. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGHT. So, I figured it's time for a reality check. So ED what really happens when I get back together with you???

Well, for one it is that bad. Not eating deprives my body of energy and nutrients that it needs to function. The logic center of my brain shuts down. I get flighty and fidgety. I can't concentrate. I can't think. My skin get dry. My hair gets dry and falls out. I am constipated. I am tired and exhausted. I am sad and depressed all the time and I cry all the time. I worry friends and family. I lose friends because they can't stand to see me like that. I get dizzy really easily. Eventually my vital signs and blood work will not be okay. I am cold all the time. My grades drop. My teachers worry. I risk passing out. I am slow and sluggish. I am tired all the time and in pain. I am damaging my organs and my body. I am alone because I isolate. I shut off feelings as much as possible. I have no life outside of thinking about food and calories and weight. I am scared and anxious all the time. I feel immense guilt over everything. I hate myself and my life. I hate my body. I am lonely. I risk getting kicked out of school or maybe losing a job. I am irresponsible and selfish. I don't care about anything. I want to just die and as I am killing myself slowly, I eventually will die. This is not the glamorous image that ED puts in my head when he tries to get me to come back to him. This is not what I immediately think of when I think of going back to him. However, this is the reality and if I remind myself of this I will remember why I am working on recovery, why following my meal plan and listening to my team is so important. So ED, fuck off. You are not wanted. That is not the life I want for myself. Get lost. 

Therapy Assignment-Home

Home. For some people saying that word instantly elicits the image of a house and family from childhood. For me that is not so. When I think of "home" my mind draws a blank. I may refer to the house my parents live in as "home" but it does not feel like home to me. The well-known saying says that home is where the heart is. Well my heart does not really lie  in a physical location but with the ones I love. In some ways Mount Holyoke is my home, a temporary home for only four years but it has traits I would want in a home. I get excited to got back there and there are places where I feel safe. That is my biggest problem living in my parents' home-I do not have a space that is mine or a place where I feel really safe. I never really get to let down my guard and being on alert for anything keeps me on my feet and is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I want a space that has no associations to the yelling and screaming and fighting of my family. A place I was not teased and humiliated. I know that wherever I find a home there will be good and bad memories formed and attached to the place but I want a place where the good memories outweigh the bad and where love is the pulse of the place. So what is home for me?

Talking in therapy this week, at the end of my session the longing I have for a real home was brought up and my therapist suggested that I think about what I wanted in a home when I have the chance to make one. It is hard to think of what I want. I know that for me a home will include my boyfriend and eventually one or two kids. My home will have pets, more specifically cats. I want to always have a pet. This has been a topic of discussion for me and my boyfriend and we have agreed to start out with a hamster and then get a cat when we have proven that we can take care of a hamster and when we live in a place where we can have a cat or two. My home will be a loving place where arguments and disagreements will be worked out in a reasonable and mature way. It will be a place of warmth and happiness. It will be a place where it is okay to have emotions and show them. Anger will be acceptable so rage will not break through when too much anger is bottled up. Communication will happen and words will not be used as weapons. Respect will be given and received. Honesty will be the policy. Tears will be shared and not shed in secret or withheld. There will be no bullying of any kind and abuse will not exist in our vocabulary or actions. News will be shared and fun will be had. There will be time for work and time to relax. Guilt will not be used a motivation and shoulds will not be thrown about. Rules will be followed but they will not be cast in iron. Faith will be shared and discussed but not forced. Opinions will be listened to and debates will be allowed but beliefs will not be shoved down anyone's throat. Consequences will exist but as a way of learning from mistakes. It will be a place of growth and movement. A place of peace and joy. There may or may not be a garden but things will be tended to and maintained. It will be organized and comfortable and have a pleasant environment. I would like room for a friend or guest and visitors will be welcomed with open arms and good conversation. Food will be for nourishing the body and not used as reward or punishment and exercise will be done in moderation. What else there may be I do not know yet but the most important piece is that it will be a safe space and intolerance will not be tolerated. And it will ours.

Comfort Zone and Voice

I am a compilation of complex anomalies and paradoxes. I am private but I will open up with certain people a write a blog for anyone who wants to see it. I like food but I hate and fear it. I want to be sexy and attractive but I don't want to be seen as just my body and I don't like it when guys "check me out." I was raised Catholic but became pagan. I love nature but hate weeding though I love gardens. I am OCD but it comes in waves  between which I find myself surrounded by mess. I want to have adventure but I don't want to be out of my comfort zone.

Living with an active eating disorder is like living life as the perpetual answering machine. People send or leave messages and hope that they get heard. You act automatically and often with no tone of personality. You are generic and have just a very limited amount of memory before it becomes "filled," after that nothing gets through. You are meant to be connected and plugged into the world, an mean of communication, much like the body is meant as a means of communication. You filter out information and receive only a small chunk of it. Well I want to be more than an answering machine, more than an automated response. I want to go, not back but forward towards those complexities and anomalies. I want to be the complicated living organism that I am. I want to scream to the world that I WILL NOT STAY DOWN! I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANOTHERS DEFINITION OF BEAUTY OR WHO I AM! This is my life and I may not think or feel that I deserve better but I know that if I was talking to another person I would  say exactly that. It is time to start taking my own advice. It is time for me to try living outside that comfort zone. ED has shrunk my comfort zone to essentially nothing, which is why everything causes me anxiety. I know that it will be hard to step across that line and it has been hard pushing those boundaries that ED installed for me, but I also know that it will be worth it; it is worth it. I know where ED wants to and will lead me given the chance. I have been there and have absolutely no desire to go back there. My life is more valuable than that. I know that I need to set concrete goals for myself and hold myself to them. It may be that I don't meet some but that is another goal, learning to tolerate not accomplishing and completing everything I set out to do. I want to be able to make mistakes without feeling like a total failure. I want to get messy and be able to handle the messiness of life without turning to ED grasping at some form of control or punishment. The realization that food is not a reward or punishment seems so foreign to me. Food is just, well, food. It provides energy and I nourishment for my body. It keeps my brain and organ functioning. It is part of life and living. I do not need to shrink myself down to be heard. I do not need to try to make myself invisible because I feel invisible. I can use my voice. If others do not hear me, I can still use my voice rather than giving up and staying quiet. I have a right to my opinions and holding everything inside for fear of upsetting someone or hurting them does no one any good. I am not responsible for that actions or reactions of others. I can only be accountable for myself. I have learned this and it is one of the lessons I continue to learn everyday.

I am sorry

Listen to my words

Do you hear the screaming silence

Do you see the deep seeded pain

Could you ever understand how hard it is to take a stand

Look upon me with doubt and disbelief

Judge me and say I am weak

Can you look in my eyes and see my soul

Can you read my mind and hear my thoughts

The vast emptiness within hidden behind a mask

Trying to quiet the voices in my head, a deafening cacophony

Trying to keep this ocean from spilling out

Chaos in my mind shows in my actions

Trying to keep emotions light leads to destruction of the soul

Take my advice and run far away from me and my own

Pick up your world and move away

Find peace somewhere with my blessing

Do not fear for me for I will always be near

Should you have need of a friend

I will do my best to support and love you

But will stay away for your good

Protect you from the life I lead

Because I love you and want you safe and happy

I will leave with no word but those of regret

That I could not be what you needed, what you wanted

I will smile and walk away with tears falling and a heavy heart

But you will never know

How truly sorry I am

Meal Plan

It has not been easy but I am working my way back up to my meal plan. I am reincorporating the greatly feared "fats." My nutritionist gave me good advice when she said "let's not think of it in terms of 'you need x number of fats, but rather think of it as 'oh I need x amount of peanut butter/nutella/avocado...." This has been really helpful. The term "fats" is just such a scary word for me right now. The ingrained ED logic that fats will make me fat is still very prominent so instead I know I need to have a piece of cheese on my veggie burger or avocado in my salad. This is much easier to do. ED is a very tricky bastard but as all of us know, he is not the brightest and thus he can be tricked as well. Just because something is labeled at a fat or a carb, does not mean that you have to call it that. Giving something a new name or calling it something else takes away the word association that ED has created, thus making the thing less scary. I do not know why I did not think of this years ago because it is brilliant. I can be the trickster to ED. I recognize that tricking ED in the long run is not going to solve my problems but it will help me get back to my meal plan right now and as I recover the ever scary hunger signals and become used to and comfortable in my body I can return to the language. That said I'd like to know what genius (please not the sarcasm) decided that the term we use to call oils and things like that would be the same term we use to refer to people we see as overweight.

Th other thing that I have noticed that is really confusing me is when restricting I often include protein as a restricted item and I do not know why. I am sure there is something significant about that but I do not know what. It is not a "fear food" or anything that engenders anxiety yet protein does get cut out. This is something I might explore with my therapist or nutritionist so see why I might be doing it. Regardless I am going to get back on my meal plan and kick ED to the curb!!!

This is my time

So I have been struggling a lot lately. I have not been following my meal plan exactly and my mental state is not the best. I know that my boyfriend is worried and if I am being honest with myself I am worried as well. I am trying hard but my mind is not my ally right now. I know that I need to continue working on reframing but I'm getting lazy about this. Well, it's time to shape up and recharge because I know that if I let it go and ignore it I will just slowly end up back where I was and I have school coming up. It's my senior year and I do not want to spend it fighting with myself and destroying my body. I know that I am very uncomfortable in my body right now and that my eating disorder is telling my that I weigh too much and need to lose weight. Well, F you, ED! You are not in charge of me. I am not going to use you as a means of communication with my mother. I do not need to destroy my body as a way to tell her that something is wrong. I do not need to hate myself any more. I do not need to fear being a woman. I do not need to shrink myself to deal with life. You have served your purpose and I am done with you. Yes, you helped me cope in high school but I am an adult now and I do not live with my mother. I am my own person. I am responsible. I am a student. I am a learner. I am curious. I have a lot of different traits and I will NOT allow you to take that away from me. I will not let you steal my personality. I will not let you hold me back. I want to LIVE MY LIFE and I WILL! This is my time. I have an amazing boyfriend and go to a good school. I will be a graduate in a year and I hope to have a job. I will be a person and not a shell of a being walking through life with as much awareness as a zombie. I will not blindly follow my eating disorder. I will stand up for myself, both within myself and with other people. I AM ENOUGH!!

Recommitting myself to recovery

Okay. I haven't been doing well lately as I have written in past posts but tonight I really got hit with why I want to recover so badly. Yes it is hard and my motivation wavers and I will accept that that is part of the process. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of feeling disconnected and alone. I am sick of pushing the people I love most and care about most away. I want to have energy. I want to feel alive. I want to simply  feel. I know that feeling emotions is hard when I am home and that I often close down so that I don't have to feel but there are people I can be open and honest with and I want to do so. I am making a commitment to follow my meal plan exactly tomorrow. No cutting things out. I want to be healthy. 

Home?

Tonight I felt something that I have not felt in a long time. I felt fear, loneliness, lost, and homeless. Honest emotions, not related to my eating disorder or other issues. I caught myself wish that I could go home. Well the thing that made me sad was I am home, or what is supposed to be my home. Yet it does not feel like a safe place. It does not feel like a loving place. Yes we have laughs at times and we have fun sometimes but that is not the overall feeling of the place. No, it is full of tension and disagreement, anger and frustration. The controlling atmosphere is toxic. I feel myself going a little bit crazier every day and wanting to retreat further into myself. I see, understand completely why I am having so much trouble staying healthy here; it is not a healthy environment, not a loving environment. I try to get out of the house and distract myself, keep busy and not think about it but honestly, it does not help. While I still live here I will feel this way. I wonder how I will be able to come back here during school breaks. I feel trapped and suffocated. My defenses are constantly up. It feels unsafe to let emotions through. I keep trying and trying to fight these urges. I want to get better but it is so hard to do here. I just can't fight off everything. I just want to find peace and happiness and I can't do it here. I am overwhelmed and scared and I hate these feelings. These are feelings it has not been safe to share here for the longest time. I just don't know what to do for the rest of the summer. I can't let my eating disorder take over again, I know I can't. I don't want it to. I don't want to go back to treatment. I want to finish my last year of college. I want to get my degree and live on my own/with my boyfriend. I want to get married and have kids. I want a life. These are the things that I have to hold on to or I will lose myself in oblivion. 

Struggling

Okay, it's time to admit it to myself: I'm struggling. I am really, really struggling. I have already started to cut back on my meal plan. I know this is heading down a dangerous path. I know I am playing with fire. It is going to be so hard to get back up to my meal plan and I don't know how I will do it. I am so anxious about it. I just want to keep restricting and I desperately want to start exercising again. I wish I could engage in my behaviors without any consequences, but I know how it will go if I do. I have to find a way to get back on it. Every day is a new start, a fresh start. Tomorrow, I am doing to do my best to follow my meal plan and I am going to keep trying and trying and trying. I know it will be hard but I want to do this. I don't want to be torn all of the time. I don't want to be thinking about food and calories and exercise all of the time. I hate it. I hate it so much. I just want to be healthy. 

Letter to ED

Dear ED,
It is time to say good-bye. You have been there for me through a lot. You gave me a way to check out, to numb out, to ignore my feelings and helped me survive living at home. You gave me a way out. You gave me a sense of control and pride. When someone commented on how "great" I looked or asked me if I'd lost weight I felt so good and happy. You let me shift my focus from painful emotions onto food, numbers and weights. You were a coping mechanism. However, you betrayed me. You turned against me and used my weaknesses and insecurities against me. You made me miserable and increased feelings of guilt. You hurt me and starved me. You took away all control and consumed my time, my energy, my life. You isolated me and damaged my body. You made me cry all the time and wish I was dead. You abused me and left me begging for release. There was so much you kept me from but not anymore. I am taking my life back. I will struggle and may be convinced to come back but I am going to remain in the "self" and I do not need you anymore. I have other coping skills and, most importantly, I have my voice. You are no longer part of my life. I appreciate what you have done for me but it is time that you step aside and let me live my life.
                                                                                           ME

Reframed Thoughts

·      -   I am seeing myself through the filter of my ED and not as I am in reality

·         People say I am kind and nice

·       -  My ED makes me selfish and focus on myself and getting what I want

·         I was in the 15 of my class in high school and I got into MHC and maintain above a 3.0 GPA. If I was stupid I would not be able to do so.

·       -  The only person who is judging me is me.

·        - There are things I am grateful to be able to do with my body.

·         -I may not be able to love myself but there are many who love me.

·         -Every human being deserves a chance to be happy, healthy and have a life. I am not less worthy than others.

·         -No one deserves to be hurt or in pain, including me.

·         -I need food to live. It nourishes my body and helps me think and function.

·         -Fats are what my brain is made of and functions on. It is how I am able to do my school work.

·         -I do my best to be kind and compassionate.

·         -I am a bit creative.

·         -I have really close friends.

·         -I am human and therefore have worth.

·         -I know I am loved.

·         -I have been in recovery before and can do it again.

·         -I hate myself now but I can learn to love myself.

·         -Dan, Kari, Alexa, Sam, Stephanie, and others love and care about me.

·         -I go to a difficult school and am making good grades. While I work hard, I also have to be relatively intelligent to do so. My team at Klarman have reviewed my growth charts to determine my range. They closely moniter my weight and would not make me fat. Obviously Dan finds me, not only not ugly, but also pretty and beautiful or he wouldn’t be with me.

·         -I do my best and that is all I can do. At times I may feel like I fall short but I can always try harder next time.

·         -Academically I have not failed anything for as long as I can remember. In life the only time I can fail is when I do not learn from my mistakes and/or if I stay down and don’t get back up when I fall, or if I give up.

·         -I may not care about myself but others do. Also, just because it feels like no one cares does not mean it’s true.

·         -I need for to live and function. It is okay to eat. Eating nourishes my body and allows me to do things. My body need and can handle differing amounts of food.

·         -Food is good and allows me to function and be me. There are even foods I like and enjoy eating.

·         -I am uncomfortable in my body because I am in my range and I haven’t been at a healthy weight for a while.

·        - My thighs touch, yes, but that is okay. It is normal and healthy for some people’s thighs to touch. I am at a healthy weight. When my thighs did not touch I was very sick and unhealthy.

·        - I am at a healthy weight. If I lose weight I may easily slide back into behaviors use, become unhealthy and risk damaging my body even more.

·        - I feel like my body is too big but again I am at a healthy weight. Yes it is uncomfortable but I can sit with these feelings and thoughts and not engage in behaviors. I will one day learn to be okay with myself and my body.

·        - I am following my meal plan and on a maintenance meal plan. My body needs food and if left to my ED I would not eat anything and still feel like I am eating too much.

·        - I have been in recovery before and I can do it again. This time I will have more coping skills and knowledge on my side.

·        - I am at a healthy weight now. My old body was sickly, unhealthy and unattractive.

·        - My stomach is not flat but it is not flabby. It is just covered with skin.

·        - 80lbs is WAY, WAY, WAY too little to weight for someone of my age and height.

·        - People say I was too skinny at my lowest weight and that I needed help.

·        - I am in my range and need to stay there.

·        - I deserve recovery. Everyone deserves recovery. I am human and therefore not a piece of shit. I am in my range and therefore not fat. People find me beautiful.

·        - Because I am in my range I am not comfortable in my body. I hope one day to be comfortable in my body.

·        - People do not find excessively skinny/boney people attractive. Looking sickly and ill is not only unhealthy but also off-putting. Dan finds me attractive now and found me attractive at a higher weight.

·        - I will not stop losing at a few pounds. I will spiral out of control and it will always be ‘just a few pounds.’

·        - I am in the low to mid section of my range which is where my body wants to be and where I am healthy.

·        - It is more than the food. Therapy and journaling are good places to explore this. I have a strong sense of will and I am stubborn. These traits can be used to my advantage or disadvantage. I choose the former.

·        - Not listening to my ED and staying on my meal plan shows more strength, willpower, and courage than any other action.

My Voice

There is so much I want to say, and so much I want to do. While the words of my eating disorder run through my mind I remember what I talked about in therapy today. When ED talks it usually means that there is something else I want to say. It's hard being home and living under the same roof as my mother. It's hard to hold my tongue. It's hard to be my own person around her and that is where my ed comes in and says "I can give you an out." That sickeningly sweet voice plays over in my head, whispering false promises of hope, freedom and thinness. While I know that those promises lead to there is that part that still wants to travel down that road. There is a part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and says "Yeah I can lose just a few pounds." The magic words "just a few pounds." They are such a joke because it is always just a few pounds no matter what the weight, no matter the number. Which is why I don't do numbers. I've never liked numbers and so numbers can go to hell and they will not drag me there with them. So what do I want to say? Well it's more like what do I want to scream, but I know that will not do any good and will, in fact, do more harm than good. 

What I want to say:

Mom, you are not the boss of me. You do not control me. You have no say in what I do or who I am. I have learned from you, yes, and I thank you for giving me my stubbornness, my determination, my strong will, some of my smarts and some good values. However, I am giving back your judgmental way of life, your anxiety, your anger, you insecurities, you inability to see reality and recognize other people's truths. I give you back your intolerance and your refusal to accept your role in any part of anyone else's life. I give you back your fear. I reject responsibility for your actions. I reject your shifting of truth. And I reject you method of parenting. I will not accept food in the place of your unconditional love.

When I am a parent I will not use physical punishment. I will not micromanage my children's lives. I will not dictate what they can and cannot read and if they wish to read something that I do not "approve" of I will read it with them and discuss the meaning/messages of the book. I will not force my religion on them but educate them in my beliefs and let them choose for themselves. I will show love and affection by giving love and affection. I will teach them tolerance and acceptance of others. I will act as a guide not a dictator. I will listen to them and understand where they are coming from and discuss things with them. I will be kind and reasonable. I will not force them to do what they hate. I will give them an understanding of compassion and courtesy. I will teach them manners but I will not use guilt to do so. I will teach them to have a healthy relationship with food and not use it as a substitute or method of showing love, but rather as a means of nourishing their bodies. I will respect their need for space and understand their sensitivities. I will not mock them or treat their pain as a joke, but take it seriously and comfort them in appropriate ways. I will talk to my daughter about puberty and be attentive to the signs and I will teach my children that it is okay to speak up when something is wrong. I will show them that it is okay to have feelings and it is okay to be mad or disappointed in me. I will praise their strong points and give constructive criticism. I will not make comments about body size or shape. I will be a role model for them and love them and give them their space and respect that.

I may garden and I may not. I may behave in ways you consider inappropriate but I will be true to myself. I am a student and I will finish college and, probably, go on to graduate school. I will be a partner to my husband and encourage him to go to bed when he is tired and not make him stay up with me if I am going to be up late. I will give him freedom and respect him. I will try to work out our disagreements in a mature way and will not go slamming the door and storming out. There is so much more but for now, that is what I need to say.

It really does help and now ed's voice is not as strong. It is still there but I do feel better. I will stay with my recovery and I will not be deceived nor led by a crazy person because I am my own person and I have a right to my needs and my opinions. Say what she might, my mother is not in charge of me and she cannot control me. I WILL outlive her and there is nothing she can do about that.

Sense of Self

One day I will stand my ground and say to those who call
I am not here for you to use or be the one to catch you when you fall.
I am a human being, with feelings, needs and other things
So take me not for granted
I am a friend to those in need who answer back in kind
But one way streets of tender care I will not walk again
I've seen the damaged neighborhoods and walked the broken path
I know how deadly storms can been and watched them when they've past
It does not do to stand outside when wind and rain destroy
So I have learned to shelter seek and hide out from the storm
A ray of light do I seek and hope in despair's hour
I will not stay any longer now within this ivory tower
It's time to run and join the race of humans far and wide
I know that I can no longer hide and wait for the shifting tide
Some people seek to suck us dry and make off with our life
But I will no longer play this game they seek to lure me with
And I know that I can stand upon my own two feet
I learn to sway and bend in wind, the breeze that blows the leaves
I will not snap or ridged forever remain.
It's time to loosen the call of freedom,
Declare my independence.
And on that day I will remain
True to my sense of self

Cats and other things

I am sitting here on the floor with my cat, petting him and thinking. Petting an animal, or even being in the presence of one, can make a lot of things better. There is nothing quite like the purr of a contented cat. As I observe my kitty his ears got back and his tail starts to twitch indicating that he might not be in the mood to be touched or pet. In this moment I am jealous of him. It may seem weird and stupid to be jealous of a cat but who among us has not been jealous of some animal at some point in our lives? Cats are in tune with their emotions and it shows in their body language. That is something that is soooooo hard for me to actually do, and honestly it's not always safe for me to do. Cats are also really good at being selfish, another thing I often struggle with. I am so concerned with other people, their emotions and emotional well-being, being liked and taking care of others and not hurting people that it sometimes gets in the way of my needs and my recovery. While I recognize this, changing it is so hard. I am slowly learning, or trying to learn, to trust my instincts and intuition because it is often right and to allow myself to have needs and do what is best for myself. It's been a long and hard road to get to this point and I know I have a long way still to go but the point is that I am traveling that road at all, something I would not have done a few years ago. I know that there are certain things that are out of my control and that other people's actions are included in those. As I learn and walk this path to recovery I have gone back over memories and realized that not everything is my fault, despite what some people may say. It is such a relief to know that I was not the source of fights and other people's actions/reactions.

As I grow and learn more about how to take care of myself, I take tiny steps in my recovery and towards being my own person. This is a wonderful and terrifying thing. I don't really know who this person within me is. I know my eating disordered self very well, we have been extremely intimate for years but I don't know this healthy self and this fear is holding my back. I need to find a way to get past it so I can move on and not cling to my eating disorder, something that I have been really struggling with lately. It's hard when there is a constant tirade going in my head saying "i'm fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable, mean, evil, a bad friend/sister/daughter/student/girlfriend/person/human; i'm evil; i don't deserve recovery, to live, hope, happiness; people would be happier without me around; i'm a burden, a nuisance, a bore, annoying; i don't deserve anything; my life is meaningless; i wish i was dead; i should die; i have nothing worth living for; lose weight, lose weight; just a few pounds; food is evil and i don't need it; who cares if i ever eat again; am i really going to eat that/this; do i really need all this food; life's too much; this is too much food; i'm obese; no one will ever love me....." It's so hard to fight this all the time and keep my head up, to challenge and ignore it, to just function. I know I need to and I have a cheat sheet that I can look at for reframes and challenges but it's so hard to believe. Yes I can challenge and reframe these thoughts but I don't know how often I actually believe them and that is the most important part. I wish this was easier. I wish I had never relapsed. There is so much I wish but wishing will get me nowhere. I have to work hard and push through this. I have to have hope and trust that I will be alright in the end. I have to have trust that my team knows what they are doing and will not make me fat. I have to be open and honest and true to myself, whoever that person is. I have to be willing to change and face my fears. I have to accept that I will have days where I may not be okay or follow my meal plan or engage in other behaviors but that does not mean that I have to do so the next day or the next. I have to be strong and determined. I know that I am a very stubborn person and I can and will use that stubbornness and determination to my advantage. I need to accept that this may not be the last time that I go to treatment but it may also indeed be the last time. I will take it one day at a time because I cannot know the future and worrying and obsessing about it will do me no good. I do not need to worry about the next possible relapse right now but get through this to recovery. I will focus on this moment now and getting through this one rather than obsessing about the next and that way I will get where I am going, find out where I want to go and take the next step to get there.  

I Made It Through the Day

Today is the first day that I have been home and have not thrown up! This is so huge for me. I now know for certain that I can make it through the day here without having to throw up. I want to again make one thing clear. I do not purge. It is just that there are times when I have what feels like no control and I throw up without meaning or wanting to and it sucks. So for me to have done this is so important to me. I followed my meal plan and kept my food down. I have to admit that I did cut a corner a bit with my wrap today at lunch in that it was more like 1.5 starches instead of the required 2 but I am checking off today in the win column, on MY side instead of my ED's. I may still struggle and I may fall on my face but the important thing is that I will always, ALWAYS pick myself back up and keep going.