Making Plans and Checking them Thrice

Okay, sorry for the cheesy title it just came out. Things are starting to get better. I'm having lunch and breakfast and dinner and following my meal plan almost completely. This weekend I head back to school and I'm trying to plan ahead for support down there. I know that I can see my therapist at school 15 times a year. I really like her but if I start to relapse or slip I think I may need to see someone more often than that so I have started doing research on therapists in the area. I really want to find the right therapist. I have had soooo many in the past 6 to 7 years and I have only liked my current therapist. I know that it is important to find the right person.  I have been researching and sending out emails. I really want to do this right. I want to have backup if things go badly. I know that it will be really stressful. I'm only taking 4 classes, as of now, but I'm working and I have an independent study project I'm doing with my psychology adviser. I am also getting involved with more clubs and organizations. I really want to make the most of this experience because it only happens once. Life is crazy at school and I want to have someone I can go to if I need to. I know I have friends who are here to support me but I've had some really bad experiences with friends at college in the past so I really want to have a therapist I can go to. Now I just have to talk with the parents so I can get permission to see someone.

I really want to have a good year and I'm really scared that ED will mess this up. I had a really bad semester in the spring after a bad semester in the fall. Last year I had two sets of friends dump me and I now I'm scared to make friends because I don't want them to do the same. I spent weeks depressed because I had no one to talk to make friends. The friends I have now are going abroad in the spring. I guess I will stick to my groups. There are some great people there but one of the friends who is no longer a friend is in one of my favorite clubs. I am not going to let her keep me from it though. I am going to get through this. I will have a good year and I will enjoy it. I am not going to let last year stop me from having fun and meeting new people. I'm going to do this. I am going to do the best that I can.

"The key to change ... is to let go of fear." -Rosanne Cash

"There are two mistakes along the road to truth ... not going all the way, and not starting." -Buddha

Getting Better, Slowly

Slowly working my way back. Some days are better than others but slowly. I had lunch today. Which is good I guess. I feel really guilty about it plus I had a piece of pizza for dinner. Dan took me out to dinner and he made sure that I knew that it was ED and not reality. I am trying to remember I am not ED and ED is not me. I am very tired. I just want it all to go away/

When the Lights Go Out

So looking back on the past week or so I realize that I've been depressed lately. I guess I still am but now that I recognize it I can work on turning on the light. I know that I have been struggling with ED and I've had a few instances of self-harm. I need to find ways to deal with these things. I need to work on dealing with my emotions and identifying them. I don't really understand how this happened. I thought that I was doing really well but I guess that I let my guard down and ED and self-harm saw the opportunity to come back into my life. Maybe it's just because I'm home around my family in which case I hope it all gets better when I go back. However I cannot expect a change in location and environment to change everything. I have to work on this. I cannot be blind-sided by my depression again. My plan: 1) start journalling/blogging, 2) talk to friends/family, 3) take time for myself, 4) relax, yoga, meditate. I will do better. I want to work on it. I want to be better. Most of the time. I am really fighting myself on this but I know that it's not myself that I'm fighting but my disorder/disease and I just have to keep reminding myself that that part that says it's me is not. I can do this and I will.

Angel

I realize how lucky I am. I know that I do not always appreciate it. My life is hard yes, especially with my family around, but I have something, or I should say someone, that many people do not have. I know that through thick and thin I have him, my boyfriend, my angel. He is there when I need him. He brought me to the ER when I was not responsive. He holds me and talks to me when I feel ED seeping through my thoughts. He is there when I want to cut and takes my razors from me so I won't do it. He lets me know that he is here and he will always be here for me. I do not know what I would do without him or where I would be. I am sooo grateful to him for all that he has done and all that he is to me. I love him and he loves me. For once I know what unconditional love from another human being is. Thank you Dan, my angel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

Pains and Anxieties

Two trips to the ER in one week. Chest and abdominal pain for one and lethargy for two. The second trip resulted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. I'm not sure what caused the anxiety. Life has been crazy. With everything going on ED has been really active and trying to get me back. Hopelessness and fear have returned and I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this. My family is not being all that supportive. I guess it makes sense because of the stress at home but when I'm with my boyfriend things are great and I was with him when it happened. Although when I am with him I let myself feel my emotions and my walls come down so that could be why it happened. Everything just seems so complicated and crazy. I wish it would all go away and my body would be okay. I'm really scared and just want to be okay. My self-harm is also trying to come back but I know why this time. I know it's because of the stress of my medical/emotional state. I know it's because I'm home with my family and stressed out. So now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this.

Well a good first step would be to stop questioning the diagnosis for the chest/abdominal pain because that will only make me go crazier. Then I need to work on how to relax and practice some deep breathing. Now that I have my stitches out I can start doing some light exercising and basic yoga which should help a lot. Then I need to work on recognizing my emotions and dealing with them in the moment so they do not build up and manifest in physical ways. When I go back to school I need to start seeing a therapist again. It is good that I am not overloading myself at school. Life will get better. I have to believe that.