Treatment, Meal Plans, and Weights Oh My

Three things that I find terrifying. Do you think that Dorthy, Scarecrow and the Tinman thought they would really come across a lion, tiger or bear? What we fear says a lot about who we are and how we deal with that fear even more. For a while now I  have been in treatment at Walden first in the php program now in iop. Lately I have been asking myself is this really helping me and I do not think it is. However I know that I have to really examine this question and figure out if I am running from treatment because I do not want to get better or if there really is nothing worth going there for. Now I have done a lot of DBT work in various places for various reasons and Walden is heavy with the DBT. I am spending about 80 minutes on a bus round trip to spend three hours in treatment on something that I could teach a course in and while it is good to get the support of peers and staff I do not think this is what I need. Yes I'm scared of recovery, my meal plan, gaining the weight I need to regain but these are all things I am working on and taking baby steps. I know that this is a disease that kills and I am working on taking a step or two back and really looking at what is going on within me. However this is not something I can do at Walden. This is something I can do with my therapist and something I want to do with her and have begun doing. My life is crazy right now and there is lots going on but I am learning to take breaks, to say no and to find out what it is that I want to do. I'd say that's a pretty big first step.

This is MY life

This is my life. I guess someone who reads this blog contact residential life at my school to inform them of my self-harm problems. Not that I don't appreciate the fact that whoever you are, you care but it would have been nice to talk to me first. Anyway I don't particularly want to dwell on that.

Life has been crazy and ED/Ana has been really happy and excited. I am trying to fight as hard as I can but it is SOOO hard. I am so tired of fighting all the time. Sometimes I just want to give in just to have some peace but it's not real peace. Why does this have to be so hard?! I hate how I feel. I hate the voices arguing in my head like world war three is happening in there. I want to be skinny. People say that I am skinny, too skinny. But I can't see it. I cannot see it and I wish I could. I wish this constant anxiety would relent for just a few minutes, seconds even. I am sick of feeling so alone and scared. ED/Ana tells me I'm not alone, that I have them but they make me feel even more alone. I know what I need to do and I am trying to do it but it is so hard to eat. I want my life back. And yet I don't. I want to be free. And yet I don't. I am constantly torn in two. I hate this so much. I don't want to go back into treatment but I feel like I am going to be forced back. I am so confused and tired. I just want this all to be over and for me to get back to my life. Goddess help me please.

It's been a while and I'm still falling

I haven't written here in a while. I've been really busy with school, work and my boyfriend came to visit this weekend. As great as it was to see him and as supportive as he is, I still feel like I am wavering in my desire for recovery. I know it's an uphill battle and it is not easy but why does it have to be so HARD? I am feeling so tired all the time. I know that part of that is because of ED/Ana but part of it comes from fighting. I am tired of fighting. I know that I need to keep fighting and I will but some days I just feel like I need a break. If those tempting days where I need and take the break become too many then I know that I will be right back where I was and have to struggle all over again and that it will be even harder this time. I know it is okay to make mistakes but I also know that I do not have much wiggle room with this because I will be kicked out of school if I cannot get this under control which just makes the stress that much greater. I want a break. I want to just not think about food, calories and numbers. I hate numbers. I hate them so much. Why am I allowing numbers to rule my life? I do not understand why this is happening again. If I cannot understand how can anyone else understand? It just feels so hopeless. Is this how my life will be from now on? Never knowing when I may relapse? I don't want that. I want to have a life. I want to be free from these feelings. I am just having a tough time now but the storm will pass. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I can do this because the other option is not acceptable.

One step forward, Two steps back

Struggling to get my eating disorder under control has stirred up my other demon, self-harm. Now I have neither under control and I'm fighting both constantly. I feel completely unstable. At least while I was in my eating disorder state I had the other under control. I feel completely ungrounded, like I'm floating in darkness, lost and insecure. The depression is back. I can feel it in my mind, body and soul. This thing taking over and I no longer recognize the person I have been since entering recovery a bit over three years ago. I'm scared by what I know I am capable of. I feel like screaming but I can't find my voice and so I scream in the only way I know how, lashing out against myself. I isolate and hide so that no one knows what is going on. Long sleeve shirts cover up cuts and bones. I don't know why this is all rushing back now. It's like I'm back where I was four years ago. What lesson do I need to learn this time? What has brought me back to this place of darkness and despair? How do I escape the same fate that befell me last time?

Imbolc, Purification and Re-Dedication

To those who do not know, I am pagan and tonight at our pagan/wiccan collective meeting we celebrated one of our sabbaths a day early, Imbolc. It is a time of cleansing, purifying and dedicating oneself. As I have been struggling through the past few (or more than a few) months I have been uncertain of my desire for recovery. I have become so entrenched in ED/Ana that I could not see where I ended and they began. With the reality check of the possibility of needing treatment and the realization that this could not be done while working part time and remaining a full-time student I have had to confront this demon head on. Over the break my doctor and I made plans for when I would come back to school that were delayed due to the fact that during our J-term, a time which has traditionally been a time to take fun classes, non-academic classes and such, our health center was closed. This provided the perfect opportunity for ED/Ana to step into overdrive. And so I found myself at the health center meeting with my doctor who was talking treatment ideas and the possibility of doing IOP. Still reality did not fully hit me until yesterday when I had my first appointment with a nutritionist since the beginning of college almost three years ago. Reality dropped on me last night and after a few panic attacks I was still unsure of how this was going to go. I knew what I had to do, I know what I have to do, but was still uncertain that it could be done. Well tonight the night before Imbolc I am cleaning out my head and dedicating myself to recovery.

"I will give myself the chance, the choice to live. I will give my body a voice, the words to speak its needs and take the time to listen. I will not allow myself to be drawn in to being with another but will make my boundaries known. I will allow myself to need and to satisfy those needs. I will be present in my body without judgment or critique. I will be seen, heard. I will give myself permission to exist, take up space and have a presence."

These are the words I wrote during out ritual and with these words I dedicate myself to recovery. I say good-bye to the demon that has made my life hell, turned me into a liar and taken over so much of my time and energy. I will not allow myself to suffer at its hands anymore. I may slip up. I may have bad days. I will make mistakes but that comes with being human. I will not allow a slip up turn into an excuse to go backwards. I am done starving myself to death. I do not want that life because it isn't a life. I have goals, plans, things I want to do, passions I want to pursue. None of this can be done with ED/Ana in my life. I am ready, I think, to embrace life again. I will start by doing all I can to follow my meal plan. Whatever it takes I need to do because there is too much at stake to allow room for failure. Failure happens only when you give up the fight and I WILL NOT stop fighting. I can't, my life is at stake and there are people who love me and care about me whom I cannot let down. I am a stubborn person, one way or another I will find a way to follow the path of recovery and take my life back.